She walk around with an “S” on her chest and a blade in on her tongue
Kisses so soft and words to break me
Promises she never keeps, yet laughs when I weep
What am I but a puppet
Constant forgiveness I provide

ASleep to my pain ,so I sleep through the rain
My only peace is silence
Isolation creeps deeply as I’m left in the dark gasping for air
Your hand ,to reach beyond the surface

Trying to forget your words

Bypassing this, the hurtful words
I struggle to relate while unknowingly
It’s self infliction! How dare I blame you
Why not blame you ?

You pull me close with Sorry Sorrys

And again, those words
They put me in a space of emptiness
I am Alone
You are you and I am Me once again

I fear.
The day when imagination is suddenly blocked
The day when inspiration was numb
I fear.
The day when souls dried up with tears
The day when courage chooses to hide from the world
I fear.
The day when senses vanished
The day when life is exhausted and the body is destroyed
I fear.
The day when faith is shaken by the time
The day when the truth was revealed as a lie
I fear.
The day when memory and ambition faded
The day when I rot in a wheelchair
I fear.
The day when I don't recognize anyone
The day when everyone doesn't recall me anymore
I fear.
The day when all these worries come true
I know
We'll always have a sense of fear
We'll always have infinite worries
Maybe it's a nightmare that will never wake up
But let us run forward without any scruples
and one day we will be in the lights.

I wrote a letter once, a letter for my mom
it was filled with deep emotion, a letter for the strong!

"A developing girl growing in all places, boys constantly attacking cruelty on their faces. Sasquatch, big foot, gorilla they taunted, a poor vulnerable developing girl they haunted.
popular girls: you're dark ugly and fat
popular boys: mustache unibrow, why you look like that?!?
silently she wiped her tears every day & every night, her heart in constant pain, her brain slowly giving up the fight. laughing & smiling while dark thoughts took over her brain; drown yourself, hang yourself, hurry before you go insane. its finally her breaking point goodbye & farewell to all, she sits to write her letter to explain it all!"

I wrote a letter once, & stuck it between my bears
I hugged my mom so tight, she never knew it was my farewell!

"I parted from her loving arms trying no to cry
she handed me a positive test, I knew it wasn't my time!
I promise to love you and protect you from everything that is bad, I'm going to be the best big sister any brother could ever have! I grabbed that letter, you know the letter full of pain, I threw that letter to the trash, had to be love on the brain!"

I wrote a letter once, a letter for my mom to read
it never got delivered, for a special baby brother seemed to intervene!

When everyday is harder; Fight!!
When you grow tired of this world; Fight!!
When everything goes wrong and nothing
seems right; Fight!!

Make your mark on this world;
We deserve you and everything about you;
Fight!!
You are important even if sometimes you
feel turned.
One day we will build you up and make you anew.
Fight!!

Do not deprive us of you because you would only make the world a darker place.

So fight!!

Blocked, caged in, suffocating smothered in pain
significant other feeling abandoned while in your presence
in your mental you're going insane
no love lost, because no love gained! thought after thought
living, but stuck in the past
show no emotions-because having emotions is what got you here
Finding a way back to the old you seems a far.
such a long distance from you
you know, the you that smiled alot whose face was once full of light
The you that cared and actually enjoyed caring
Soon those Deep Thoughts will make you realize what it is that you do
you make everyone feel lonely while connected to you.

My hair grows
Like patience
  drying
Baby's-breath
against my will
  behind my back
Past
yesterday's destiny
  Distanced
jungle long
in time for every
  sunrise and sunset.

Just thinking about it,
how simple this specific happiness is.
No obstacles or intricate riddles.
Just being able to look at happiness front and center, as if its an object that can be touched and obtained.
A material that stretches to skin and holds in place.
for a while it seemed beyond recognition; attempting to forwardly search the horizon, no able identification and completely hollow.
Now hands hold.
Many forms can be seen, whether its his, hers, or self.
It stretches miles, a face that can be memorized. Associate it with content things.

However, there are faces that shake the earth completely. Etchings that run deeper than they appear, stabbing pridefully; plunging over and over again with no remorse, even though their battle had nothing to do with it, a battle within themselves.
Thinking about it
and how irrelevant it all is. How ignorance threaded through enough to believe that their actions or acceptance actually meant anything.

See them front and center and feel nothing; association fleeting and less vivid than what used to be seen.
Now the vivid colors lie with what is important.
It took time, to understand its access.
thoughts too clouded to reach; thinking hands couldn't feel anything but emptiness.
Now they reach and feel warmth.

I always thought
to look to the future.
What job do I want?
What job can I survive off of?
Who will I marry?
Will I marry?
Can I find a job that I can enjoy and live off of?
What pet will I have?
How many pets will I have?
WIll I travel?
What type of house will I live in?
My wonderings go on and on.
I became so trapped within my mind
that I forgot to look where I was going.
I forgot to look at what I was doing.
Days passed, then weeks, then months, and years,
and I still have no answer to my questions.
But I do have a lot of scars and hurt.
I get stuck in my mind again,
this time trapped in my memories.
Why did I do that?
Why did I say that?
Why are they gone?
Will I ever see them again?
Why did I hurt them?
Why was I so stupid?
I was trapped.
Always somewhere,
with someone,
but never here.
Never in the moment.
My mind moves a million miles per hour,
never slowing,
never stopping,
never noticing what was right in front of me.
I can barely remember so many things
that I should.
All because I couldn't stop my mind.
Lately, I've begun to realize my mortality.
I've begun to ask the age-old question of,
"What is the meaning of life?"
"Why am I living?"
I've begun to realize that I don't know
how much time I have left.
So why would I trap myself within my memories?
Why would I trap myself withing my wonderings?
I have begun to force my mind
to slow down.
To take it easy.
To live in the moment.
It helps.
It really does.
I now know I am loved.
It is not some made-up fantasy or wondering
made in my mind.
I am wanted.
It is not some longing deep behind my walls.
I am needed.
It is not some hidden guilt somewhere.
I mean something to someone.
I can be someone.
I can make a difference.
I can help.
I can make it.
I can do it.
I can beat my mind.
I can overcome my depression.
But first,
I need to learn to live in the moment.
To not let my life pass me by.
To love and to be loved.
I can do this.
I can make it.
I can live in the moment.