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Nigdaw Sep 2021
my mother always cleaned
it was her thing
more than hobbies
more than friends
erasing every previous day
it's accidents
it's happenings

little hand prints
adorn my walls
pencil scribblings
from budding Leonardos
and when I pass the second stair
a stain on carpet
from God knows where

I live the past everyday
making new futures
along the way.
Nigdaw Aug 2021
he cuts the grass into stripes
annoyed that the fence
doesn't run parallel

he will sit with a beer
after a long day
watching the sunset
his OCD screaming
it's not symmetrical

it's all he will see
amidst this natural
beauty
Gabriel Jul 2021
OCD
Four clocks on the wall,
telling me that I’m running out of time.
There’s only me in this ghost-town,
keeper of the hands,
and I have to reset each clock
before it develops a mind
of its own.

The problem arises in that I
am flawed, and slow,
and by the time I have reset
the fourth clock,
the first is taunting me
to run back and start it all over
again.

And what’s worse?
I can no longer tell
whether I have been at this
for hours, days, months, even.
My Hell-shackles are the very thing
I am trying to push back.
I could call it a prison
of my own creation,
but I wouldn’t want to plagiarise God.

I’m having a lot of waking dreams,
like I’m hypnotised. Sometimes,
I hear voices telling me what to do
in catastrophising extremes. Set
back the clocks, or you will die one day.
Set back the clocks. Set back the clocks.
Set back the c—
From a portfolio I wrote in third year of university, titled 'Infestation'.
anotherdream Jun 2021
please leave me alone
to walk these pathways solo
I was hoping you wouldn't notice
but I think you already know

I know I have problems
and I'm trying to fix them
but what words can be enough
for a desire to even say them

for every time I open my mouth
I wish that I had closed it
remembering the times I messed things up
and the disappearing moments

I give far too much
and I know that I shouldn't
cause I have nothing left to give
so at least I know I'm used to it

throw the page away
so you can make the same mistakes
tear the edges so it frays
i just want my hand to fade
grave May 2021
there is a man in my mind
and i call him steve
from this man
i wish to be relieved
the things that he says are things
no man should say
but these are words that simply
do not go away

this man, steve, tells me to make others hurt
this man, steve, tells me to put my hand down your skirt
he tells me that being with my is your corruption
that our relationship will be your destruction

but i know that i love you
and from what you show, you feel the same
but i have been stuck with this man
in his silly little game

for so long.
please get steve away from me.
im tired.
i hope to write more optimistic poetry someday but for now i need to express the things in my mind that aren’t supposed to be there.
Daivik May 2021
This OCD
It's killing me
I'm a bit dead already
(But I won't die)

A normal day
I saw a spot on the glass
I cleaned it once to sanitize
Don't know what touch came to my mind
I voice in my head I can't comprehend
I wasn't sure of myself
So I cleaned it a second time
3rd time out of doubt
4th time to maintain my sanity
15th time it was insanity
And I still thought that the glass wasn't cleaned
In that moment I became diseased

I heard these voices constantly
Dictating me,giving decrees
Things I didn't think about
Now so hard to live without
Thinking of them

Intrusive thoughts
Intruders
Included
Such apparitions
It haunts me still
And they wouldn't leave
(I begged and begged and begged)
Such thoughts
I could die
(But I wouldn't )
I felt like the worst man alive
Was I bad
Or was I mad
It made me insufferably sad

A spot a speck
A fallen drop
Rendered me paralyzed
And I carried out rituals
Just to have some respite
I cried inside
Most difficult to fight
To win with your own mind

Internal demons
Killing me
Using me as their device
Too frightened what would others think
An academic boy
Being possessed
I didn't utter a single word
Until I was caught
It was too much
I was obsessed,compelled and disordered

I don't know why I did things
I just felt disgusted
By the spot the speck
Real and imagined
I doubted everything
Even things I did seconds ago
And made crazy theories
Of how that speck would **** me slow
Rationality thrown out of window
Lady Macbeth why won't you go

I confided
Couldn't bear
Thankfully
My parents were there
They couldn't understand
Why I was acting
Such
Over silly things
But it was real to me
It mattered too much

I searched the web
To find the cure
But thing I read
Made me more
And more scared
Was I forever impaired

I went to the psychiatrist
He fed me with some medicines
I would be lying if I say they didn't help me
But my real fight was with the demons inside me
The thoughts
Be gone
I beg to you be gone
I to again become the master of my life

Make your mind stronger still
So what if speck landed on you
It won't be the end of the world
Boy gather will
Said mrs psychologist

I tried it was hard
To be exposed yet prevent reaction
Be obsessed and prevent the compulsion
I had panic attacks
And emotional outburst
Yet I feel
Slowly but surely I am getting better

Thank God my family was so considerate
I feel for those less fortunate

Mental health is all too real
And first step to cure it all
Is to talk(please please for God's sake talk)
Grace Haak Apr 2021
I knew it was bad when my fingernails were ringed
with red
as I ran them over ribbons and excused myself
from confetti cake to make them
redder.

my head was burning
a sparkling candle burning
my hands were yearning
a spazzing sticking yearning

my family was singing
a muffled stifling singing
my ears were ringing
a loud ear-piercing ringing

sing
ring
sting
stop stop stop my scalp is stinging

Nothing was clear until my fingernails
were red
and coated with pieces of my head:
rubbed raw and picked clean
You’re telling me
this is something you haven’t seen?

It doesn’t make sense because:
I don’t put pencils in a perfect pristine line
I don’t count my cheerios before I can dine
I can turn the lights on and off just fine
but my fingernails
are red
and apparently that’s a sign.


I can tell you where
every single pinprick lives
and spreads fire down my scalp
into my brain
How it tells me
your math homework can wait
save me
or you’ll go insane

My nails are short
but still red
My brain is intact
but still missing its head

Oh, how I could See the Disorder in a
demented disturbed decision
to forfeit my favorite vanilla cake
for blood

stop stop stop, i’m begging you, brain

you can’t stop; you know you need pain
leave me alone, and you’ll go insane.
I'm not entirely here
I'm trapped somewere
Living half aware
Hanging between the realities
Sitting in a room
A waiting room
Yellow and warm
Tense and eternal
Safe but never ending
Reality twisted
Overactive imagination
There is no door
But I can leave at any time
Only one way
Find my inner peace
Idk, is it derealisation?
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