the order,
the routine,
the rules,
the reasons I want to skip class,
the reasons I do,
the reasons I get detentions,
the reasons I never show,
the schedule,
the lack of order,
the up,
the back down?
the back up then down again but across the school on top of it!
the swimming pool,
the ******* swimming pool,
the **** no I'm not swimming,
the I won't make it to math class.
the guidance office,
the guidance counselor,
the guidance counselor who says she hopes she's not taking up my time,
the period is my lunch,
the location i'm in,
the guidance office,
the problem,
the fact its every monday wednesday and friday,
the fact I may wanna eat,
the fact I wanna see my friends,
the fact you're taking my little social life away,
the bell rings,
the ring is the most joyful irritating noise I hear all day,
the fact I forgot about the freshman for a second,
the ring is the second irritating noise I hear all day.
the next class is science,
the fact your required appointment runs too long,
the fact your class is so far away,
the fact you have a minute rather than five to get there,
the fact you don't make it halfway before the bell rings,
the fact you start crying because you are late for class,
the fact your life is over,
the fact you duck into the bathroom,
the sticky doors are of no concern right now,
the bathroom stalls are all empty,
the middle one you claim and you sit,
the floor you sit, you cry, try to be silent,
the effort to breath, trying not to have a full on panic attack,
the things going on in your head,
the dread pours in,
the anxiety levels rushes in.
the thoughts poor in and spill even when its over flown,
the fact you call your mom,
the fact she gets you off the floor,
the fact she reminds you,
the fact you have to touch that sticky door,
the door you touched once before,
the hand you touch the door with you used to wipe tears with,
the sly way to open the door,
the silence you make,
the bent down head,
the quite,
the trying to act normal,
the nothings going on trip,
the way to the main office,
the fact you on the phone in the hallway,
the fact you made it to the office,
the fact the principal wants to see you,
the fact you start explaining what happened,
the schedule,
the wrongs,
the wrongs they caused,
the people they put in classes to embarrass you,
the abuse the teachers gave you,
the list rambled on and on,
the fact he yelled at you,
the fact he said you were not being respectful,
the fact this school never gave you respect,
the fact they took everything you had left,
the fact he continued to yell til the office ladys got up
the ladys got up,
the people flocked to the door,
the principal went silent,
the fact you still continued to cry,
the fact he acted as if nothing happened,
the fact he tried to say he was gonna fix it all,
the fact you both knew nothing was going to happen,
the fact you both were right,
the fact once you parted ways you were then greeted with a call down,
the fact someone sent you to the nurse,
the walk was the best part,
the pondering of what its for, allergies, medication information?
the arrival is shocking to you,
the nurse greets you and leads you,
the small room you cornered into,
the place where she asks to view you,
the places on your body like your arms,
the fact she implies other places could be searched
the next time
the fact you now know this will happen again,
the fact you having an anxiety attack,
the fact you wanted to say no,
the fact you know if you did,
the next act they'd do is send you to the hospital,
the scare tactics is not fair,
the fact you go home,
the fact you cry,
the fact you don't wanna go back to this place,
the fact they won't let you transfer,
the fact you have done all you could of done.
the fact that they still have the nerve to of ****** up your schedule.

Let's talk about this nurse
who stays at pulmonary unit.
He takes care of patients
who has difficulty
in respiration.
But what I want to say is this:
I feel like I should be admitted too
because he takes my breath away.

Ice cream and pie
Makes my pain say goodbye
Late in the night when the doctors away
We kissed and we played
My life she now saved

Nurse cherry
Was mine now she is married

While she was in my bed
The doctor walked in
On the floor were her clothes
He was shocked as I grinned
He saw we both gave in to sin

Nurse cherry
Sweeter than pie
I remember that night
She held me so tight

Nurse cherry

Ice cream and pie
Makes my pain say goodbye
Late in the night when the doctors away
We kissed and we played
My life she now saved

Nurse cherry
Was mine now she is married...

She walks on duty, through the night
Of coughing calls and sleepless sighs
And in the dim and pallid light
She stalks the ward with drooping eyes;
Thus patients rest within her sight
Which keeps them safe from their demise

One patient more, one break the less,
As frantic hands prepare the space
Which someone left in such a mess
So now she works at twice the pace
Whilst hiding signs of inner stress
With grimaced smile upon her face

And on that bed, and in the throe,
A deathly pale old patient went;
She held his hand and mopped his brow
His weary angel, heaven sent;
His vital signs began to grow
As she collapsed, her goodness spent.

It had been four months since I started
reading his favorite poems aloud
to crack through congested silence.  

I memorized the way
his nose crinkled up when I stuttered,
his husky chuckle after I read
one of his favorite lines,
the smell of yellowed, dog-eared pages.  

I got to know this man
who had seemingly lost everything
and was just waiting
for his children to visit,
his medications to be dropped off,
to be with his wife once more.

I wore his favorite burgundy scrubs;
it was almost his birthday
and I had a new book to add
to his collection.

They didn’t tell me before I walked in.

It was bare:
the room reeked of bleach,
there were no sheets on the bed,
his few belongings were stuffed
in a cardboard box in the corner of the floor.  

I sat on the mattress and wondered
why his kids were not here  
mourning or making arrangements,
why I didn’t get to see the slight tug
of his lips to form a smirk when
I showed him the new Tennyson
that would now just gather dust.

He left me his anthologies in his will.


November 30, 2014
4:41:38 PM

Mother, I write this to you after the end of the war.
Japan surrendered and now I wear a cast.
The skies are still grey.
No bombs being dropped
The government has told us to wait
I think they might have forgotten that we fought.
Now I see silence at the ship's mast.
life has been going way too fast.
I have very little hearing left
But I still miss the times when you used to scream at me.
Sometimes,I gamble
and yes mother, I still mumble.
I often feel cheated
but in front of the strippers
I am defeated
I have been trying to heal my wounds
I hope I find real love soon
Mama, is this all too much to ask?
All I need is a little love
To forget my past.
I have fought on many fronts.
I have seen soil mixed with blood.
I have seen flowers wilt.
Seen myself hanging from a hinge.

I have aged
not gracefully
I think I have children
who think of me as futility.
I have made mistakes
and decisions in vain
got their fruit
been in pain

I need somebody to love
a place to call home.
In my soul, I have less life and more holes.
I want someone to be there when days are dreadful.
Someone who is internally beautiful.
I sound like just another lonely man
It's been hard writing this letter without slang.
Mama, is this all too much to ask?
All I want is a little love to forget my past.

Mother,  I am in my death bed
yes you read that right.
A nice nurse has been helping me write.
I ran away, Mama.
Yes I did.
Your darling son
who never flinched.
I tried to find an escape, Mama.
but failed
Went on a search for God and Allah
but lost myself half way.
They say I am too weak
Displaced bones
and days to live three.
No sign of hope.
My eyes are sensitive
the stars burn them
the sun turns them to ashes
Doctor says my eyeball has been flattened.

Mama? Are you still alive?
your son just came back from a fight.