Time is a human construct.
It will spill numbers on the floor,
Whilst it slips its fragile hands around your throat.
Choking you out,
Until breathing becomes more of a chore than reality.
Until it feels like you’re drowning from the carbon dioxide swimming in your veins.

The clock is the home that stutters away when you get to close.
It’s the boy who tells you he loves you,
And then never calls.
It’s the sound of your ribs snapping in half,
Simultaneously filling your lungs with ambrosia.
So that when you take your final breath,
Time will be there to remind you that no matter what,
You were never ******* enough nor ever really there.

Time is the intruder that breaks in
Steals your youth, your drive, your ******* life.
Erasing you slowly,
As I’ve done to every minute since I saw the universe in your eyes.

But, god, what would we do without time,
How would we subsist without measuring cosmos in our hands?
How am I supposed to live without the warmth of your body next to mine?

My life in odd numbers
1- You are breathed into this world by two loving parents who are still far too young, still children themselves. They will make mistakes, It will be okay. Forgive them, because everything they do for the next 17 years is to help you.

3- You are developing faster than most kids, they can already tell. This is good but take this increased intellect humbly, for at some point your brain will be all you have.

5- You smile at complete strangers, keep doing that, everyone deserves your kindness. Continue to love everyone unconditionally, this is one of your best qualities.

7- Tell someone. Everyone experiences trauma, some worse than others, some are affected more than others, some blame themselves, don’t. Do not let your trauma take over your life.

9- Your youngest sibling has just been brought home, You will love her so unconditionally that she will sometimes make you forget how much you hate yourself. Hold her as much as possible, you’ll miss this time when she's older.

11- You are in a new, unfamiliar place, this is a good thing. You will meet fantastic people and have good experiences. Accept it for what it is and be open to change.

13- You must learn to get restful sleep. Your all-nighters cannot be your safety blanket forever, You must sleep to heal, to grow. You must face your night terrors.

15- Look at you, stronger now more than ever. But darling you must learn to love yourself before anyone else can truly love you. You’re only hurting yourself because you believe you are not beautiful but trust me, darling, you are beautiful.

17- Stop worrying so much about what the future holds, be happy in the present day because you never know if you will wake up tomorrow.

Fight
To be stronger
Than you think you are
Day by day
You’ll be stronger
Than the day before

This is how strength is born

numbers don't define you they scream
stitching price tags on my limbs like what I have to offer is paper based?
so tell me really,
how much does a soul cost?
telling me not to worry;
do what you do best
but what if cold sweating
is the only thing I'm good at-
escaping whatever fire you passed down from centuries ago
only to
do it
all again.

// the elephant in the room isn't me //

I used to **** my stomach in,
Till my lungs would ache and split,
Then I learned to pull my muscles up,
And I'd find a better fit.

I learnt from magazines,
and TV shows,
The things that told us,
To always shrink, to never grow.

I learnt from my mother and my sister,
Who would sit and pinch their thighs,
With a sigh and a shriek,
About needing to go down a size.

I became obsessed,
But not with food, wine, or shopping,
My obsession was with the fat under my skin,
Growing fast and never stopping.

I became obsessed with numbers,
Numbers even though I hated math,
People telling me to stop, to eat,
The voices in my head would clash.

I feared that I would grow,
But also I would shrink,
Fingers trailing gaunt on skin,
My madness slipping from the brink.

I feared that I wouldn't wake up,
The next morning, the next week,
But I couldn't stop myself from finding,
The skinny I'd always seek.

I'm not fat, I know I'm not,
And I know weight does not define me,
But I see the bone, I strive to see it more,
Without bone what would I be?