I am not stubborn. Rather , I am
  nothing beyond a soul who can't
  dare to rebel against her own inner    
  voice.

I talk myself out of having feelings for you every night.
I make a long list of how under-qualified I am to be yours.
My weaknesses far outweigh my strengths.  
It’s like someone with just a high school diploma applying to be a doctor.
I am severely unmotivated,
Terrible with finances,
And I do not work well under pressure.
Apply any pressure at all and I break.
You’re different.
You have accomplished so much in your 30something years.
Career.
Family.
Faith.
And you did it all on your own.
Then there’s me,
I don’t have anything to show for my 25years that I’ve existed.
I have books and movies to escape.
I read and watch life happen rather than live it myself.
Journals and papers filled with all my useless emotions and “experiences.”
Tear stained pages to remind me of all my heartbreak.
I have clothes that make me feel like I’m a woman.
Even though I’m a poor excuse for one.
I have makeup of all colors and finishes.
The only talent that I have.
Useless.
Not only do I have nothing to offer you,
I have nothing to offer anyone.  
But although I know all this is true,
I will still anxiously wait for you tomorrow.
I will still daydream about the conversations we will never have.
I will hope during the day,
And break my heart every night.

why should i wake?
only to make my bed.
cleanse my body.
eat without taste.
work myself to the bone.
be overlooked day in and day out.

grieving the loss of what was never there?
where are my answers?

no.
where is my will to live?

it's obvious,
isn't it?

it certainly
seems
like it

you see
it too,
right?

maybe
i'm imagining it?

it's probably
nothing

but

your head
is upside
down

facing inward
and
laughing at
itself

and there's
a light in
there

that's always
on

just
thought
you should know

Lying in this silent pain
Hearing the words of that navel chain
Words forming in a swing
Making me surrender all my dreams

I said to you
What is this feeling
As I fall more and more into
You and you and you and you...

And me and me and me and me...
Like a cycle it repeats
Singing and talking and cursing and yelling
And crying and laughing and coughing and screaming
And touching and holding and gripping and pushing
And cutting and hugging and kissing and loving
And into others senses, that are foreign and without names

It’s like falling and falling and falling and falling...
And flying and flying and flying and flying...
Forever
And all of this
Forming those tiny but infinite points
Of existence and reality
Of experience and identity

I surrendered more and more
As I became it
All these pain
All these love
All these beings
And I heard that song reached an end
As I gave up all of me
I died and became
Nothing...
Love