pesky pestering dreams
dumb and disturbing
they all seem

a menace, meaningless
macabre delusions
deceitful in conclusion

pustules still
on my jawline at
thirty years old

my yawns wretch
my proverbial ***
outta that there

but not before

a cashier girl
has some clue
I'm a loser

an old house &
it's foundation
slow-bombs itself

I'm caught between
me & my version
of you

I could just hang in Dreamworld forever,
Abandon my duties:
Nothing has to matter in this heaven,
Lest we poison it and bring about hell.

My fragile mind rides dreamboats through dreamlakes,
And I pray it doesn’t:
Break,
Dreams are my safe haven which keeps me well.

See, unlike the real world, we can rest here,
Lie our hearts flat in line:
Pulsing,
Like a drowning drone that drains life on high.

And we’re walking on air year after year,
And no-one seems to mind:
Together,
We stand on skies; a silent choir of sighs.

‘Xcept I feel like I’m rising against time,
As in my mood’s rising:
So quickly that,
It feels as if I’m not truly growing.

All I could ever want, now within reach,
A job I love, to keep:
New love, a fam’ly,
All my million dollar desires I reap.

But as the clock counts and calls out seven,
I’m cast away from heaven:
And away from me does all my leaven
Vanish. Oh God, what a brute-full second.

God, just let me go back for a second.

Beyond the chipper cheerful rays of sun.
Lies a dark and hungry oblivion.
Where horrors shed obsidian garments.
Nightmares claw at your hidden compartments.
To unleash terror's shadow,
upon your thoughts distorted glow.
Behind every sun is a dark lark.
Laced with fear's song to sink your heart.

i've watched you die one thousand times
in one hundred different ways

still, i can't decide which is worse
what my mind creates at night,
or, what we found that day

this reoccurring theme of mine,
all that i've catastrophized,
comes out at night to play

sometimes, my mind
makes me watch you die -

a masochistic gift for me

sometimes, it's that i know you'll die
and i can't warn of what i see

once i dreamt you faked your death
to prove our lack of care
you didn't even tell your best friend, Steve
he was just as confused and unaware
"i knew it! you guys don't love me"
you screamed, as i stood there

my mind still fights the guilt i have
but it rears its ugly head

i woke up on my 25th birthday
crying, from the torments of my bed

the dreams that make me pause the most
are where you live
but you're not you

you're angry, and hurt, and you're like a child
and you won't calm down to speak to me
and i don't know what to do

but i know why i have that dream
it's my soul's decline of guilt

because if that's what we saved you for
our lives couldn't have been rebuilt

my mind wanders to that night
staring down the stairs

it's my mind and it pleads with me:
it's better we weren't there

to escape the nightmares...

the nightmares start when I open my eyes
every morning my fears grow limitless
picturing my years to come in ruins
overcoming sprouts of hope I’ve been sowing

all I think is Mary
the pure was tested with slander
shaken a solid tree while in pain
kept silent when she wants to explain
said all she needs is trust
all she had was faith

As a child
I hid under my covers,
Fearing the monsters of the night
Lurking beneath my bed.

But now they live in my mind,
Crawling through the cracks,
Festering— even in the sun’s warmth.

No blanket can shield me.
No lamp, no lullaby.

I close my eyes
But still, they linger.

No screams today,
Missed calls from the void.

My organs sleep,
Still in place.

I walked dark streets
Last night,
But happy.

So today I hug
These knees,
Dislocated shoulders.

Today I love you,
I love you.

anxiety attack
sweat down my back

sleepless nights
and walking nightmares

I am being followed everywhere,
my own shadows are ahead of me

they lead the way,
and have me doubt
each step, each word, each thought
they crawl from underneath my skin
they mock, they push, they scream

“not good enough “
-again, they bluff