If I could go back in time
I'd go back to September 4th, 2017
If I could go back in time
I'd stop you from leaving
If I could go back in time
I'd set my mind straight
If I could go back in time
I'd make there be no meaning to that date
If I could go back in time
I'd protect you from my mistakes
If I could go back in time
We'd still be together till this day;

Must we only dream
   of wise kings who know
that rivers must flow
   peacefully
so a woman can sing
   her children to sleep
and fathers not weep
   holding them
in grief too heartbroken
   to rage
at the violence men bring
    in this age
that should be long left
   behind us?

Skin.
Skin by definition is a thin layer of tissue forming a natural outer covering of the body.
Skin is for people to tan, to clothe, apply make up to... to touch.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.

Mosquito bites.
Mosquito bites by definition are the itchy bumps that appear after mosquitoes use their proboscis to puncture your skin and feed on your blood.
Mosquito bites are for people to feel, to itch, to bleed, to scab and repeat. The entire cycle.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.

Summer.
Summer by definition is the warmest season of the year.
Summer is for t-shirts, shorts, exposure, swimming, tanning, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin.
"It's Summer, put on some shorts."
"It's Summer, why aren't you wearing a t-shirt?"
"It's Summer, let's go swimming!"
Summer is a time for these questions, these statements, these words to fester, to breed like muosquitos, to sting like the bite of a bug.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.
Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.

Dermatologist.
A Dermatologist by definition is a doctor that treats diseases, in the widest sense, and some cosmetic problems of the skin, skin, skin, skin, skin.
The Dermatologist tells me to use this and to use that. Lotions and potions, as my mother would say. Slather, rub, treat, swallow.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.
Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.

Skin care.
Skin care by definition is the range of practices that support skin integrity, enhance its appearance and relieve skin conditions.
Get up, shower, sterilizing soap, body oil, steroid cream, medicated lotion, drink water and repeat the process before bed. My daily cycle.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.
Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.

Seesaw.
A Seesaw by definition is to change rapidly and repeatedly from one position, situation, or condition to another and back again.
Seesaw, to push off the ground, into the air with a sense of victory and joy, only to fall hard to the ground with stinging ankles and sore calf's.
This isn't a playground anymore.
The Dermatologist says that if I don't get better, they'll have to put me on the pill.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.
Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.

The Pill.
The Pill is an oral treatment for my condition. My eczema.
One pill every morning at seven AM with food and an entire glass of water.
The risk associated with the pill- Osteoporosis,  Muscle weakness, Mood and Behavioral changes, Increase in chance of developing cataracts,  Stomach Ulcers and Liver Failure.
One pill every morning at seven AM with food and an entire glass of water. The daily cycle.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.
Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.
Itch, bleed, scab.... **** it.

I would rather my liver fail and my bones go brittle then to be stared at on the street!
"What is that?"
"Are you okay?"
"What's wrong with her?"
"Is it contagious?"
"Don't touch me!"
I itch, my nails dragging over my scarred skin and pulling at wounds. I bleed, the welts that crack and leak drops from the red river that flows silently beneath my skin. I scab, leaving horrible lumps of ugly, hardened flesh to coat the once smooth area. I repeat....

Well, I don't want to repeat! I want to be able wear the clothes I want, to walk the streets with out the judging and questioning eyes of the passersby on me, to be held and touched by a significant other without the fear that their fingers will fall upon my skin and recoil in disgust!

Without looking in the mirror and wondering when I can finally begin to love myself.

I decided that today is the day! No more Itching! No more Bleeding! No more Scabs! It's time to break this ******* cycle.

Reading before sleep is good,
To wind down is what we should,
But! This book is neverending,
Page after page I am bending,
Why is this book unending?
First chapter was so great,
I thought the book first rate,
But, by now, the story is ruined,
All the characters seem doomed,
Right, book, back to the library with you,
I'm off to the library lucky dip,
Try new authors, that's my tip,
No, indeed,  I shan't sook,
I'll return this unending book!

There is no point,
   there is no end,
Once begins,
   continues again,

There is no cure,
   no easy fix,
No easy way,
   to get rid,

Once it starts,
   never ends,
Not just once,
   but never again,

There is no way,
   to run from it,
No way to hide,
   no way to rid,

Nothing to do,
   no way to escape,
Once it comes,
   this doom-your fate.

the days and minutes
are poured out
precious little ones
they need so much

you think you will
collapse
your energy all spent
your mornings fade to night
and start again

the time goes swiftly by
those precious minutes
growing
into years

circling round and round and round


the time...it is a treasure
each memory enshrined
most days
there are no thank yous
for you-mom

the endless love poured out
the bank where it's all stored
you'll find it's  in your heart

it's not contained

for it flows on
and on  and on
and on and on and on

it never ends...

cj 2016

Happy Mother's Day, sweetie...you are a wonderful loving mother.<3

I need** to demand a commitment to be obliged
To improve or maybe advance, to better and correct
The pain and ache, the agony of the burn

I'm stalling to hamper and postpone and stop
My death and annihilation, more appropriately bereavement
With my last hope a whim or belief that my confidence's last strand

To cureand recover, with drug or elixir
The condition, my ailment and disease that ills the syndrome of my agony

And win to become the victor of accomplishing an achievement
The fight to battle the skirmish of assault and bombardment

Too bad it failed with defeat, disappointed with failure

It's still here by attending my presence to be beside me forevermore