graduated *** laude
with a PhD in madness,
practitioner of your
  own philosophy as
    a harbinger of doom,
tales of darkness where
the deck is always stacked,
what's the sense of light
   to a harsh night
or spring's flourish
   to winter's brashness,
you don't need to be
      a rocket scientist
    to diagnose absurdity

I wanna feel normal
content
what I'm supposed to feel - beside you

beside you
shaking
I don't want to feel your rough hands
attacking mine

but, beside you
I do,
and the minutes between your goodbye & your hello
I'm wondering
where I went wrong

and months later
if I'm sitting alone
safe, I'll still feel your strength
terrorizing mine
because you've become
the voice inside my head

beside you
I've lost all control

Because wading in that pool
of memories,
of hurt,
of suffering,
and pain, and grief;
It’s lonely.
And no one will ever find you there,
but there you will find that in which you choose to wade.

I wish
     that each day would
     pass faster
            so that we’d watch a collection
            of sunrises and sunsets,
            hurtling towards things unseen –
            shadows of temptation and dreams
            extending tendrils     (there’s hope!)

            I watch the clouds during
            the day and the stars at
            night and wish I could
            one day
            fly among them
            (instead I sit on the floor
            under my window, feet
            tucked under, and watch, thinking
            of roads that lead to dead ends
            and those that lead to forks
            (and the split roads and split thoughts
            and all things that lead to divides called
            options.))

But yet –
at the same time,
I wish
     that each day would
     pass more slowly
            taking time to trace each
            dizzying circle and elliptical,
            numbers that leave me behind
            in lessons unheard –

            because for numbers, some stories
            end, and some never end,
            infinities that stretch beyond
            paper lines and minds alike,
            and maybe we all fall in
            someplace within the stories of numbers.

            At night the wind picks up
            in shrieking wails, and the
            little voices creep in, wondering if
            the day had been used up
            like each drop of sunlight
            had been worth it, the darkness
            squeezing out the
            value of it all –

and maybe then the room will stop spinning.

that there are merchants of darkness and merchants of light
you run into them every day
sometimes
the merchants of darkness scream louder
and we voluntarily reach out our hands to absorb the darkness
because we are afraid
but merchants of darkness have no power
they cannot hurt us unless we are willing to hurt ourselves
unless we reach out our hands and deliberately take what they offer

merchants of light are quieter and softer
but the more light we absorb
the better we will be able to face those who give off darkness and say
"that is your darkness, not mine.
take it to God, not me.
i only absorb light."

Just tryin not to **** my life up.
I've worked to get this far.
Tried my best to see the best but you lead me to the dark.

You won't **** my life up.
You're the devil in disguise.
Someday I hope you see the light and find a brighter life.

I refuse to **** my life up.
Im off to better things.
Continue to **** yourself up.
I won't sit and take the sting.

You can no longer hurt me.
These emotions they are mine.
Im on to better things.
Without you I am alive.

Seriously? What is your problem!?
Every day I am nice,
I smile and laugh.
If you were upset, I'd come and help you out.

But everyday I wake up and I'm in a good mood
But by night, I can't sleep because of the constant stress you put me through!

My own friends,
My anger is boiling up inside of me
Eventually, one day, I'm going to snap!!
And bye bye Mr nice guy!

So *******! Fly away!
I'm not putting up with this for another day!
I might not show my anger, but there is a different side to me.
And believe me, this isn't a side you want to see!