The only thing you understand is...

is that I have talent
that i'm good at drawing
But you say

you say to use it in a different way
Well what is different to you
because I sure don't know

You don't understand why I draw
but here is the thing
I don't see my drawings as dark
as negative
as  gruesome

I see it as apart of me
something that I cannot do

You said:
  rip out the negative

I heard:
tear yourself apart

It may seem silly
"it's just a journal"
But my "it's just a" journal
is so much more

I love it

you don't understand
you two see it as a negative
you see it's dark
I see it as art

I don't get how it is negative
I cannot draw and just
keep my mouth closed

You don't understand how this
helps me
makes me;
me

You did not ask
You told me:
  Go rip out all the negative
  and if you can't figure it out
  come back and I'll show you

You asked me something that
I AM INCAPABLE of
you don't know it...

why so sensitive you are,
when you see a toilet sign,
when they say here go the men
and there the women.
be all pretty or be strong.
you drink ***** or some wine...

why break down every time,
why flinch at the sound,
why feel your stomach twist inside,
and brain screaming in protest?

‘you are making it all up’ they say,
but you fight your own self every day.
you are powerless and tired –
your strength and spirit fades.

will you endure,
and see a better end?

I have come to the simple conclusion,
That everything is for naught,
Cause there's an inevitable intrusion,
Of death that is soon to be brought,
So emotions will be covered,
Beneath the look of a poker face,
Close the doors and close the shutters,
And remain in my secluded space,
I'm in love with a furry *****,
That I will never get to have,
I'll just ponder games and glitches,
And ignore the heart that has halved,
It has been a year and I made some friends,
From bed to school to school to bed,
I have lived through my persona and trends,
Of pretending and playing dead,
My new best friend that I thought I trusted,
Was caught making out with the girl, he got busted,
That furry ***** that once I had lusted over,
Now that makes two nasty *******, I'm disgusted,
I pushed myself away from friends,
And pulled myself towards planning their death,
I will figure out how to make amends,
Once they've both taken their final breath.

Teach me how to be happy.

i found love
in the burn in your throat
from wanting to cry,
in the breath of air after a lie,
in the space between heartbeats,
and in the chill of broken air-conditioning
in an empty room

i found love
in the dripping of a tap
left on and abandoned,
in the echo of voices in a canyon,
in footprints dried in years-old mud,
and in the negative spaces of my hands
where yours used to rest

It begins with a soft bite
That quickly forms into a leech
Beseeching my thoughts...
Controlling my speech..
Preaching important matters
Carrying potential to teach
All their essential condescending
Never-endings out of reach

Yet the pitfall arrives
When I choose to listen
With sighs and ghosted thoughts
The result of some or other condition
Bolstering a vision with apt precision
When every remission indicates
The necessary revision

Envy stifles a stern conviction
Jealousy trifles within final prediction
Anger endangers calm
Making strangers within this perdition
Bring it all in as I wriggle and writhe
Because I am to blame
For all of my pride

...It stays inside

As soon as my cards were shown I decided to fold. I can't keep this under control while I'm so vulnerable. Yet another rapport thrown in the fire and tossed out the door... And I'm so **** gullible. I watch this bridge burn from a distance before it will mend. Yet again the result of desiring you-
More than a friend