It is 2:00 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016.

It is exactly two weeks and five days until the rest of my life begins.

I still can't find the words to tell you in an exact and fitting way
Everything I've always wanted you to know.

I want to tell you that you make me feel safe.

I want to tell you that being with you is like breathing a sigh of relief. It's like finally being home.

And I don't know if you understand how much I've longed to have a home. How desperately I've wanted to feel like I belong somewhere. And I know I belong with you.

I want to tell you that being with you is like being able to see, smell, taste, hear, and feel for the first time. Like I couldn't before. Like I was able to, but it's not the same. This is new, this is different. This is real.

I want to tell you that I was strong without you. That I could stand just fine without you. That I'm capable and competent without you. But with you? Dear God, you give it-- Everything-- purpose.

And I want to tell you that there's something soothing about standing tall without reason, there's something empowering about it. But nothing feels better than having meaning, than doing everything for a reason.

I want to tell you that you make me feel whole-- I was whole without you, but you make me grounded. Like I really am real, alive, and good.

I want to tell you that you make me feel like I'm a good person. Like I'm better than I was. Like I can be better.

I want to tell you that part of me is scared. Like I won't be good enough for you, like if I tell you any of this you'll walk away.

But the other part of me, the bigger part of me, is excited. I want to be yours, entirely. Because I love you more than forever, more than always.

I want to tell you that I'm more than ready to spend my life with you, and that I know our future together only holds beautiful, amazing things. Thank you for being mine.

A girl kicks her legs while sitting on a swing,
unable to coordinate her young body to move forward.
Her small hands are wrapped around the chain links,
holding her high so she can only touch her toes to the ground.
Her stomach hurts and she frowns.
It always hurts when she tries to play, so she stopped trying.

A teen kicks her legs while sitting on a swing,
not having the energy to move herself forward.
Her bitten fingernails pick at the ridges of the chain links,
holding her now that she is far too exhausted to do so on her own.
Her whole body hurts and she can't even frown.
It always hurts when she tries to breathe, so she stopped trying.

A woman kicks her legs while sitting on a swing,
too sleep-deprived to move her body with enthusiasm.
Her hands that have written millions of words wrap loosely around the chain links, gripping on for the sake of formalities and tradition.
Her body doesn’t hurt anymore and she never has any expression.
It always hurts when she felt sympathy, so she stopped trying.

A mother walks up to a swing,
allowing her own child to tug her towards it.
Her actions are careful as she pushes her precious cargo,
cradling it yet letting it roam far enough to find happiness.
Her whole body feels light and she can't stop smiling.
It always was a struggle to keep going, but she never stopped trying.

A old woman is pushed to a swing in her wheelchair,
Her daughter urging her forward as her granddaughter skipped beside them.
Her hands rest lightly and carelessly on the armrests of her chair,
Relaxed and gentle as she teaches the next girl about her battles.
Her whole body feels rewarded and she always wears a small smile.
She never thought she would, but she succeeded.

With my hands tied tight and cruelly behind my back,
And my ankles strapped to the cold metal of a chair
I think of myself as a witch tied to a stake,
Waiting for judgment.
The same shame.
The same confusion for my crimes.
The same knowing that punishment will be dealt,
No matter the case.

I'm crying in the dark, trying to scream through the tape,
But no one can hear you when the door's closed.

I should have known then,
When he locked me away,
That none of this was normal
And I should have run.

And when I heard footsteps,
My voice caught in my throat.
I remember thinking
He's going to come back and he's going to ruin me worse than before.

And in the darkness I saw nothing,
But the pitter patter of the rain on the roof and within the gutters
Of the theatre.

And I remember the light spilling into the room,
When the door was pulled open,
And seeing the face of a friend I can no longer bring myself to speak to.

And I remember him tearing the tape from my wrists and ankles
And trying to lift me back up
When I fell to the ground in broken sobs.

He rushed me to to his girlfriend,
And I cried in her arms as she and the nurse
Tried to find out the severity of my bruises,
And if anything worse had happened.

I couldn't participate in gym class for a week,
But I was out longer,
Because I didn't want to change in front of the other girls
And let them see the bruises on my hips,
Thighs,
Abdomen,
And everywhere else.

Do not tell me I asked for it.
Do not ask me what I was wearing.
Do not tell me
I should have done this or done that.

I know what mistakes I made and what mistakes I didn't make.

That wasn't the first time
Nor was it the last.

I remember the shame
Burning beneath my flesh
In my therapists office
When he asked what I was wearing
That night.
And what was I supposed to say?

"Sorry sir, you obviously can't do your job. Have a nice night."

Is what I left that office with.

And I remember bleeding,
And I remember wanting to do violent things
And seek vengeance upon him.

But it'll be six years tomorrow
Since the first time that happened to me,
And I don't think I can keep living with wanting him dead.

My skin still burns with shame,
And I sometimes still revert back,
To the witch being burned at the stake.

Having a health "problem"
I can handle this
Try to keep working
Yes, I know I've been late a few times
So exhausted... fatigued...caffeine
or ***? Too tired lately...
many nights lacking somnus
used to be such a lovely escape
I stay late,
always get hours
and overtime
never forget to explain present circumstances...
not excuses...
Father told me
We must be dignified, stoic
Or try to be at least

No backup plan
or graceful exit strategy
not impossible if I need another job
to have smooth transition
no 9 months of vacation, sick leave...
no 401K advanced,
or generous severance
a little saved
I'm adaptable, capable
husband gone...meager
weekly contributions
resigned... thought crazy?
maybe I was...clinging to "principles"
not a tech analyst anymore...by choice
was I high?

apply for "rights"?
Yeah sure
FMLA...
Family Medical Leave Act
I know it well
Took time off this way before
when our child was ill
while I was working
at a HUGE health insurance company

5 years working here now
Nothing but Golden reviews
Great Bonuses
with Excellent pay
no vacation or sick time
I need to work every weekend and Holiday
required
and I gotta cover shifts
work off the clock sometimes
at night... and when called upon
At the owner's house
houses... I mean

Volunteering for big events
Exciting...HGTV...
rubbing elbows with Celebrities
Thinking that I would be part of this family forever...so naive still
Hoping I'd finally shine
Already Head Inn Supervisor
Do everything, know all the jobs
Hardly glamorous..
I'm proud of working at this High End Hospitality destination location

But Event Coordinator...
I am over qualified for both really
but too good at my job
I pulled staff to do a project...
She was AMAZED
He told me and no one's ever polished those beams
My heart sank and lept
Day-to-day functions
might be my new thing...

A quagmire to walk on
I'm sinking
dropped into a legal mare's nest

Shouldn't have said anything
about being "sick"...
We need to talk to you
Alright
30 days till Christmas
spent most of bonus
things could be worse

Disbelief, not connecting yet
Tears start coming
like a deluge of pent up sacrifices
time I lost
and such costly prices
all seem so unappreciated
Breathe

Why in the world did I spend
so much on a gift for them?
Just a written warning
Never before
I'm just afraid
No having that...
Take a pill or something

Collusion?
or coincidence?
New trainee...
though I'm not training her?
We are... very busy
They just want me to take a look
and make sure she's doing a good job though and pick out her mistakes
Don't forget to finish
writing those guidelines...
or getting Dr. signed off on those rights

new phone number
leave it with her on a piece of paper
reluctantly agreeing hand over that ink
feel instinctively she doesn't like me
we have disagreed before
says she let me know if the staff I called in doesn't show up to cover my shift
no one called
not even to ask where I was
quiet as an empty church mouse...

went into work on Monday
they thought I actually
didn't show up for work
good one, very funny
you never left us your number

On the piece of paper I left it with her
She denies it...
well could have predicted that
B*!!!
I find the crumpled, bloodstained, tear soaked evidence in the recycling
they grab the bin...out of my hands?
Seriously?
say that doesn't prove ANYTHING?
Now I'm just ****** the f off!!!

Second time called on carpet
Keep working
To hell with them
What was that he said?
Disappointed in my life choices?
Oh... I didn't want to sleep with him right.
Most reasonably attractive girls
that have worked there did
disappointed in me...because jealousy
  dating a younger guy
my family doesn't mind but he does?

Make sure I'm clocked in on time
and leave on schedule
2 more weeks till a rest
work Christmas Eve
then Christmas
you know other staff has
"more important" things
their children are younger
or something

another talk...oh, well a good one
I hope... being Christmas
Demoted?
What's that?
I don't think I understand?
One day a week?
Is this a f** joke!?!?
Oh....right because I wanted Medical leave..well,
I can put that off whatever.

No...that isn't why
No tears...
then...

So angry, fuming
as darkness is looming
yelling at the void of listeners
dignity? Stoic?
Sorry Dad...
as maniacal laughter...
those demon poet's
snicker at such an unpoetic ending

Done...
Convenient replacement, already trained
then go on a "vacation"
they own land in Holland
grow tulips...
still reaping Tulip mania benefits?
no "un"- employment,
wasn't fired
I guess I quit
since I never got another shift
though I apparently
was "scheduled" for a couple
maybe their phone was broken
I certainly was

I just was infuriated
and that guitar playing
Lil boy blue
bright eyed
peter pan
my younger boy wonder...
he was disappointed too
well thanks for the Charlie Brown tree
nice knowing you...
you beautiful burden
you haven't worked in how long?

I ripped down that twig that night
it was the ending and the beginning of EVERYTHING.

Cherie Nolan © 2016

Dear my Bluebird,

Tonight I wrote letters to those who have left me somewhat less than before, and one to another who has helped me put myself back together again.

Tonight I realized that that's okay, because what they took are not things that could not be replaced or renewed or bettered.

I know the subjects of pt. 1 and pt. 3 will upset you. I know you dislike the people they are addressed to. And I do not blame you. There's no reason for you to like them, especially as I have been left in the condition I have been left in.

I also know you will read this in the morning.

But I love you. I hope you know that your kindness and protective nature is something so new and beautiful to me. I hope you know that I appreciate you and everything you are and that you do. I also hope you know that I find you brave and brilliant. Hearing you speak about anything that fascinates you, really, stimulates a part of my heart that has never found so much joy in hearing another human being be.

I might not sleep tonight, but I might not have to. As long as I remember the feeling of your fingers intertwined with mine, some type of peace will be found tonight.

Yours truly,
your Hummingbird

Dear Ceremonial Suit of Armor that shines too bright to be real,

I could tell you I love you. I could tell you I didn't. Both would be lies. I do not love you. That does not mean I never did. There was a point in time, before February, where I did. When I got bad in January, the process of falling out of love had already begun, because I could not remain loving someone who treated me as less than trash behind closed doors. I had only ever offered my body up to you as a preventative measure, trying to convince myself otherwise. I had fooled myself, and maybe you. I hate myself for it.

And your cruelty has left me wounded in a new way, but rest assured I will heal. I understand that you were already falling for someone else when you broke up with me on my best friends porch. Please understand that I am not an idiot. Please understand that I know the game fairly well that you play. Please understand you are no better than me when it comes to mental health, and no better than your ex's before me when it comes to games.

I am scared to flinch. I am scared to take the steps to trust people. I am scared to reach out, to be honest entirely and wholly. I am scared of the words "I love you" as they fall from my mouth, because what if they are met with the same cruel glare and ice cold, empty touch. There are words, phrases, noises, even songs that set me off. Not like the one before you. No, they set me off in a way that makes me see all the parts of me I am a vividly aware are not perfect. It takes a lot of breathing and a lot of focus to calm me back down and bring me back (on my own, by the way) to Earth where I can see that I am not horrible. That those were volatile lies spread by you and your temper.

I know you spreading lies about my mental health. I have been told by many sources, I have much proof. I know you are spreading lies about how I spoke about others. I hope they know you are not much better than the toxicity you spread with your sharpened tongue.

I am bitter. I expected so much better from you, and instead I was left with regret. But your nature and being that has left me limping has also changed me for the better.

I see that I am good. I see that I am strong, and I will be okay.

I do not know about you, anymore.

Sincerely,
Glass Shattered

Dear Sakura,

You were my oldest and most consistent friend. Remember when I called you  toxic because I cut you out to prevent you from feeling pain when I tried to off myself, because I didn't want you at my funeral?

Remember when I got myself help so that wouldn't happen again and when I got out of the hospital you told me that I only care about myself so we can't be friends?

Part of me wants to tell you to take a nice long look in the mirror.

Part of me understands how you misunderstood what being suicidal does to a person. They cannot care about others as consistently as you need it while they're trying to find consistent hope to keep going.

And another part of me, the most influential part, understands it was necessary.

I cannot chase you, my old friend and my now nothing. I cannot chase someone who never intended on staying around.

I do not wish you harm, or ill will. I wish only the best for you, for your life. I hope you grow up quickly, we both need to. I do not think poorly of you. I am a little confused on your decisions, but I cannot bring myself to truly care. It would be harmful to my well being, and if you still cared, you'd be so proud.

We had a good run. End of freshmen year to this past May. We had a good run, I promise. Just know there had not been a person outside of my brothers and mom, until very recently, that I cared for more than I had ever cared for you.

I am glad you told me off after I got out of the hospital. It was my not wanting to hurt you again that lead me to get the help I needed. Though it stings to know you probably think poorly of me, I cannot let myself care. The closest thing I had to a sister, and the closest thing I had to someone that could understand without words (though I was wrong, you obviously needed some words from me to explain), is gone.

And rest assured, I am okay with this. We had a good run, as I said, but that was the last one. As much as I loved you and our friendship, I don't see any type of friendship for us in the future. Maybe the bad blood will go away. But I am okay without you, as I am sure you are without me.

Best wishes,
Glass Half Full

Dear My Never,

It can be summed up easily, I never loved you. Every part of us, of you torturing me and my pretending it was all okay and I was just so in love and everything is alright because teenage heartache is beautiful--

It was *******. I hated you. Every second. And then it became some sick type of Stockholm Syndrome, where I felt connected to the peer pressure and the safety of knowing if I was still "under your spell" I could still be allowed to breathe.

Five years. Technically 4.6 years. But still, math aside, I hate you. Five years I wasted my life because peer pressure and societal norms convinced me what you did was normal.

But the indifference I feel towards you rings stronger than anything else I've ever felt. There's just nothing, and sometimes fear of the actions. Strange, but true.

Signed,
Glass half empty.

Lost in these venomous streets
Lights light up my sky,
I got  lost in the white clouds
It was a failure of mine eyes.

Walked through these streets different times
But they still seem foreign ,
I got lost trying
to reach the edge of the cliff
I fell off trying to catch  my own cloud
Got lost again trying to see beyond the horizon.

I reached the end with no prospects of tomorrow. Joined the hole in hopes of
Salvation,I got lost again in the fists of sin

Hopeless , life seems like an undying rose.
Am trying to survive but I am lost
Tell me how does one survive when everything is lost.