Damage me mother
How hard can it be?
Is it collateral or was this really your plan?
I don't think you care, I don't think you know,
How dare you not realise
The length you have gone.
Maybe you've only ever brought tears to my eyes.

Am I supposed to move on,
To forgive and forget?
Growing up in the church,
I should have learnt to practice that
Instead of letting my mind wonder.
God, maybe I should have acted stronger;
Made myself see the truth.
I guess I didn't know what to search for,
In fact I didn't realise that there was anything at all.

Maybe it's myself I have to blame.
Should've gotten over it,
But I took the pain on a holiday
Chose to sleep in all the rain.
You're more than a thunder storm.
Never you seem to get caught,
Now you get everything that you want.
Anyone whose path you've crossed
Has to deal with the downpour,
Resurrect themselves from the ashes
Of the fires you have caused.

You could argue some are lucky:
For they manage to escape
Instead I am prone to stay.
I can't find a way to leave you,
Not like you left me
Emotionally and physically,
I was raised without you and with empathy.
Knowing your tactics,
Another reason I can't dare seem to let go from you,
Whenever I'm close to leaving
You come back.
The guilt comes back too.
The only guilty one here
Should really be you.

What is sometimes seen as glorious razzmatazz
would be impossible
without you;
you put the B in my be
easily

You were a rock for us,
I saw you as a lifeless rock recently,
Emotions grappled my throat and tears rolled down like a stream,
An embodiment of warm radiant love, sleeping in dry ice.

You used to be sitting by the passenger seat,
When I took you for dialysis in the mornings,
Today you were sitting there too,
Except you were inside a ***,
I had to do the final rites,
Seeing you in ashes and bones,
I realized about mortality and trivial matters,
Reciting for Lord Shiva to ensure you have the proper path above this earthly plane,

You left at 61, you had many more years in you I believe,
But you had fought and struggled long enough,
I hope we have done you justice,
I hope your soul is now at peace,
Flowing smoothly like the river,
The river where we scattered your mortal remains,
I’ll tell Lord Shiva to ensure you have a flowered path where your feet are no longer in pain,
On that path to your eternal rest, where you no longer need a wheelchair.

You were an exceptional wife, mum and woman,
A strong individual for every single day of it,
You have not cooked in a long time but I'd always remember the smell of your dishes,
You were always the one with practical guidance,
A generous heart that was always smiling and entertaining the little ones.

Ammama's siblings attended the wedding,
And they also witnessed a funeral,
‘Padpu’ mama  helped tie my veshti for my wedding,
Little would we know he’s gonna’ help me again at a cremation site,

You had a small dinner at the hotel reception,
Ironically, you passed your last breath at the opposite hospital 2 days later,
Emotions choked us all,
And only time can soothe us now,
We can only hope now,
That you will be simmering within peaceful and harmonious moments.

We love you Amma,
One love of my life left as another love of my life came in,
I'm ever grateful for the presence of loved ones around,
I hope you don't have to incur rebirths, but that you remain in eternal rest,
Watching us from above,
With unconditional love.

- In tribute to my late dear mum, Madam Sivaneswary Maruthavanar (25.03.1955 - 12.07.2016)

No one but no one should not have love

Whoever they may be.

They don’t deserve it

Who would like to miss out on laughs
and tears
fights
and wars going on in the head.

Roast beef a la mum,
turkey Sandwiches a la dad  
and- if lucky- break fast in bed.

Ball
With your brother from another mother
All those sisters
who will always come before those  misters.

And
if there is
one thing
you should
know:

Love is the epitome of war.

Shakespeare ruled it,
but was he a no one?

And we sometimes
-not always-
forget.

A no one is a some one.
Who  has a beating heart.
So make sure no one has no one,
Now
Is the time to start.

I'd show you the black and white photographs of this allegedly cherubic 1 yr-old....



(sonnet #MMMMMCMXC)


Oh me!  How diamonds sparkle in th'exhale
As winds flirt on the lake's clear *****, whence
Blue skies thus mirrored  as erst wont, a sense
Of what? half wrestles in me on that scale
Cuz why aren't we together now, to hail
This bounty in each other's arms?  Leaves thence
All whispring as their boughs rock, yellow hence
Mocks joy as I see Mum in sheer betrayl.
We used to walk down to the valley, tour
The yard lost in whatever, and I knew
Our time was short.  But I don't weep for her
Today as yet, cuz who's distracted to
Effect is also quite obliv'ous.  Poor
As saying is:  I could wish you were here too.

23Oct16b

...the Word of God.



(sonnet #MMMMMCMLXXII)


Oh yes.  I wimper still oer Mum.  Care thence
In silence as ne words assuage nor bail
My soul, except the LORD's in sheer betrayl.
Orange kisses treetops, yellow nestles hence
In sidewalk cracks and dips, vines paint a sense
Of scarlet through the copse no phlox detail
Now, and lo, I submit a sonnet they'll
Not choose, remembring Mum last year--and whence?
I swear, the Word of God my home as twere,
Replies as through a parched land we ensue.
Grey hours rain drips oer, deep blue heavns we were
So fond of seeing twixt yellow Maples--do
Not have my ticket anymore.  In poor
Scuse I watch Pride and Prejdice.  Where are you?

16Oct16b

In autumn
you
sit alive
in leafy
fanfare,
I'm glad
it’s so;
my sudden constant
in time of go;
making all my happy.

Fill me up to the brim,
I want all your love,
Make my cup overflow,
I want all your love
or absolutely nothing.
Mum, dad,
I think I'm inlove
with a ghost,
and I'm his haunted house
He haunts me all night long,
Mum, dad,
He's taking up too much
space in my heart,
I fear he'll rip me apart
like all my anonymous notes
declaring love that would never
be given back
but that's backtrack;
here and now,
he's mine,
he's mine until I finally catch fire,
Until love expires.