He moved back to the city.
I never cared for the crowed.
He stayed the same with the same girls with the same job.
The scent of cigarettes will always stain his clothes.
The smell of misery smeared all over his skin .
Every time I see him, I am reminded
Of the suffering I carried for years and years and how i mistook it for love.
For kindness
For a kind gesture
For, “maybe this time, I’ll make him stay.”
Do you know what I had to do to make him stay?
Set fire to my own body and destroyed it from the inside out.
Killed every part of me I ever liked and wore his hurt like a new dress.
Wore it proud. Wore it around. Wore it out.
Wore it down until every fiber of myself was gone.
Losing yourself all at once is like a dream. A Terrible terrible dream, but I lost myself slowly. Lost myself in pieces trying to find peace of mind.
Now that is a nightmare.
I was hanging onto a love that didn’t exist. To a broken boy I couldn’t resist and when I thought I’d die but didn’t, I asked myself, “is that all there is?”
