Coffee time.
Breakfast, too.
Wait -
I'll skip the food.
Cigarettes?
Not no more.
I'm sure
I'll find a horrible. . .
(replacement)

{dance to dying}
{the alternatives}
{dance to dying}
{don't appeal to me}

Sit too much.
I stand, too.
Move?
It hurts to move.
I do move -
Right through pain.
Pain = Life.
And so I flagellate.
(substitution)

She's the master, I’m the piece,
On the game board,
Teasing victories
But the lords are sometimes
Slaves to these
Strategies to winning
And I’d love to have just
An attractive game to watch
No care about losing
As long as I'm into it
As I intuit choosing
Inexplicably
The right moves
That move the hearts
All around

I just wish I could cry.
And scream.
And yell.
And throw up.
And shake
Uncontrollably
Until I
Vacate
My
Own
Body.

Because you've touched
Every inch of it.

These hands have memorized the way you move. My feet, giddy to see you. Eyes flash open each morning to yours.
And my lips.
They want to come home.

But
You're
Moving
On.

I suppose so am I but

This is the first time
I've had
Trouble
Letting
Go.

The day after my childhood self wouldn't leave the old house and cupboards, I sat in the dark with my boxes and these pretend grown-up versions of myself.
I'm losing my favourite memory, I cant find the right side of paper but I will always flip the page. I know I am stuck. Still seeing the image of your skirts disappearing around old pine door frames, try to run after the hem to ask you where I left the right box. Can't even find the words to ask.
Sometimes the last thing we ever get to say is “goodbye, old house”, we don't always get a chance to kiss it on the cheek before we leave.
That nothing we lost once was inside you the whole time.
I remember the private hospital rooms, we know that for that much money you have to switch of the part of you that won't stop dying.
You still visit.
You still visit in the form of robins following me home, of ghosts enclosed whispering in a space reserved,
breath suspended in mid air,
the very last one.
I made a room of ghosts for you.
And if I could have stopped time
I would have paused it in the middle of this room.

Open the yellow memory box one last time.

Slam the door upon my face.
Don't look,
think
or act.
Just stand behind the door
silent,
and anxious.
Wait for me to make a move.
Let me do
what you should have done.
Thats the easiest way
I can think of you
to live a life
where the sun doesn't rotate.
Because sometimes
doing nothing
is easier than doing everything.
And trust me
I will do everything for you.

Let those walls break
Don't try to build new ones right away
You will not find those pure bricks
Those solid foundations
Those strong standings

What you will get
is something temporary
Something Weak
Something which is
meant to fall in no time

So just let those walls break.
Walk in the field
Feel free
Feel alone
Remember your suffering
And one day
You will move on

I remember her, with a smile
and a sore heart, in that while
I remember the first day
I saw you in that way
I remember our first touch
as I'll remember her such
I remember our first kiss
as it is my final wish

She broke my heart,
but I remember the start
Her heart was ever sore
with yet an untold lore
I remember her so sweet
as I do our final greet
She's a broken young lady
a great heart, that's shading