I thought I mattered to you
That there still was something left to save
Scared of life without your presence
Have no choice but be brave

You've made pretty evident
I am no longer what you desire
Wish I knew how you did it
So I also extinguish my fire

You do seem happier
What I want the most
Even if meaning you can only exist
In world as a translucent ghost

Bleeding out until heart's out of blood
Hoping you see
How I care and love you so
Everything you once loved about me

What we had was messy
The one thing I know is that it was true
When I look into your eyes today
Glimpse a sliver of the person I knew

But know things have changed since then
I have made a lot of mistakes
Wish I could take some of it back
No such thing as double takes

Starting to realize our time
Finally has drawn to an end
A portion of me would rather say no
Instead just play pretend

We only get so many chances
Never sure which one is last
Until it is too late and everything you need
Becomes part of the past

The scars left on my feelings
Cause me pain to this day
No matter how long spent apart
Damage determined to stay

We blame ourselves for struggles
Maybe that isn't fair
It is destiny's fault
Creating this nightmare

It seems real this time
You never are coming back
Try to hide my sorrow
I am always wearing black

yesterday
or was it today? i can't really tell
i saw God
more clearly than i've ever seen anything

she was
struggling to breath
unable to understand
why everything was pain
why she'd been so alone
away from all those she loved so much

her eyes bleary and fading
joy erased
but we were there with her
she could feel us again
her children and sisters huddled against her
equally at a loss
for one last image

but the last image she gave me
was when the sedative finally kicked in
and i sat face to face with her
gently stroking her beautiful head
she finally made sounds of joy again
or they could have been pain
but i think they were joy
i think i saw joy again in her eyes
i think the medicine had relieved the fear and pain
just enough for her to feel the joy of me loving her

but that moment was cut short
as they took her away
i cried “goodbye sweet baby”
sweet Angel, sweet Love
then i fell apart
completely

the next time I saw God
all the life had departed from her
all that remained for me
was her still, beautiful form
eyes open, but lifeless
and my eyes are open, but lifeless
until I see God again

It is as if a wave of tranquility passed over me this morning. Still numb. However, the strenuous longing to feel has dissipated. The wounds have be temporarily cauterized. No empty pain lingers in the darkness like a phantom menace. I felt nothing before, But I knew I was in pain. Now the nothingness consumes any lingering obscure thoughts. I am the hollow man; Such a fragile shell I carry on burden bones. But tis a pleasant day indeed. Thunder storms barrage the sky in open warfare and ominous tear drops soak the battlefield. For once I am not the fool weeping alone; The world takes my place, my pain, my suffering, and I revel in the warmth of it's tears as any good sadist does.

Is this what writers do?
Conjure the worst then set you there, contorting
to listen for the beauty that sings in suffering?
Your boiling body fights, trembling
and next to you in darkness, brooding
I see the struggling and the worst
and imagine  your beauty

as a memory that enters a room
full of mourners-
sunlit breeze captured
in billowing fabric
which turning and holding
there for a moment
lets you go
as the tears and the chatter
go on

Jan 2021

We both built brick walls in front of us
From time to time we push one brick out
To see the other, but we always miss
We never look in the right place...