The one I Iove so very much
Her mind excites me
Her beauty outshines
I didn't know love could be so divine.
So unique and magical
Fulfilling all my dreams
Holding her in my arms
I made her a promise
That I'd always take care
My love is undeniable
Yet i do her such harm
I don't do anything that will make her heart sing
I'm lost in myself
Destructive and misguided
I'm not the someone she needs
Not healthy or strong
She needs things that I no longer provide
She sees the destruction of my mind
I steal her childhood
Day by day
Stuck in my own selfish needs
I made her a promise
That I did not keep
This will forever be what she remembers
Please
Please!
Don't end up like me.

I was crawling, with my swollen leg, towards Her.
She, with a bowl of rice, took me into her arms.
With my puffed belly, I reached the verandah.
My car was waiting for me, with one of its tyres nowhere to be seen.
I looked around for it, worried.
My screams brought Her, running out of the house, to me.
She left me with a four-legged horse in my hands.
She kissed me and wiped away all the Tears.
She said, "My Raja Beta, I thought that Skillful Serpent stung you again."

I'm an honest person for being your daughter
Which leaves me speechless sometimes,
Considering, it's you, who is my mother
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was your support
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was your love
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was for you to care
You're not the best influence for me,
and that's why I have to go as soon as I can
I have to go, far far far far far far away from you
There's just no getting through to you
I chose to be sober, I chose to be clean,
You choose to be addicted, and be forever mean
We are not one in the same, even if we share DNA
We are not one in the same, even if we have the same blood
I've tried throughout many years to get through to you
There's just no point, there's no use,
it's like talking to a **** wall
You're baggage is becoming too heavy,
and so now I'm choosing to let you fall
Because you are someone I can no longer be around
Every day you're trying to be an enabler
Every day you're trying to become a supplier
Every day you're trying your hardest to put me in the ground
And every day, I become more anticipated to break free
To break free from your voice, your sight, your touch, ugh,
Just to break free from you all around
This time, I'm not looking back, I can't fall back
I chose to be sober, I chose to be clean
I chose to do whatever it takes for me to be me
And to not be you, I don't want to feel numb anymore
I want to feel alive again, I want to be reborn
I want to feel the sun on my skin
I want to feel the wind beneath my wings
I want to do the things that I can't do when I'm around you
And it's because you make me feel, isolated, invisible,
That's what you have become to continuously do
I've told you multiple times I don't want to be popping pills
So stop fking asking me because I see red and the suddenly;
I get the urge to either hurt you, myself,
Or I get the urge to find something to ****
I escape this reality through my words,
so that I don't end up on the next 48
It just ***** so bad because
you're my mother who is spiteful
It just ***** so bad because
you're my mother who is broken beyond repair
I've tried too many times, I've wasted too many words
I've lost count of how many breaths I've taken
And now, I'm honestly to the point now, that I no longer care
You'll never know any of this, or how I truly feel
Because I can't be bothered enough to tell you to your face
I just know I'm going to continue to keep choosing to be sober,
And I just know that I'm going to continue to keep choosing to be clean
While you're already dying, because you're addicted and so mean
So what's it going to take? Isn't it already too late?
you'll soon find your resting place
You'll find it sooner rather than later;
because of the path you've chosen
The path that causes so much pain,
The path that causes so much hatred
The path that causes so much disgust and disgrace
I'm an honest person for being your daughter
Which sometimes leaves me speechless,
Because it's you, who is my mother.
Which really makes me wonder sometimes..
Am I… even really yours?


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025

Your baked cheddar scented hands
and your newly thinned feet
Your trimmed hair strands
and your smile with teeth
I grew you inside,
always my baby you’ll be,
if I can keep you young

A crooked, watchful smile
and shoes on wrong feet
Singing along
and bruises on knees
I’ve known you the longest,
always my baby you’ll be,
if I can keep you young

If you need a hand
walking along an uneven surface
or help falling asleep,
you’ll always know that I’m there
caring so deeply
I grew you inside,
always your mommy I’ll be
If only I could keep you young

Pick me up in my dream tonight,
Lead me home through quiet halls of light,
Where sorrow cannot follow,
Where echoes do not weep.

Welcome me beyond the veil,
Where gold bends beneath weary steps.
Let me rest beside You,
While below, my mother lingers,
A figure draped in mourning,
Hands trembling over a name
She will never call again.

I have left her with the ghosts of joy,
I have torn the sun from her sky,
With love spilled from open veins,
Drop by drop,
Like rain that never reaches the earth,
Like autumn leaves too heavy to dance,
The last breath of fading stars.

If only the dead could speak,
If only breath could slip through silence,
I would press my voice into the wind:
“Forgive me, mother.”
“I love you, always.”

Pick me up in my dream tonight.
For the war has quieted in my marrow,
And the sword I have carried, heavy with grief,
Lies rusted at my feet.

Let me fold into the roots of the Tree of Life,
Let the sun warm my hollow chest,
Let my lashes kiss the light one final time,
And as my breath unspools into nothing,
As my body bends to ash, to dust, to light,

I am home.

somewhere in the black,
my hand is outreached,
searching in that darkness.
pulling out one by one,
an item from my secret drawer.
i’m not sure what i’m looking for,
but i know when i feel it—
its smooth edges or distinct texture—
i’ll know that i found it.
i found it once,
so i know i’ll recognize it,
but the truth is,
i’m not sure if it’s still there.
did i return it to its place?
should i turn on the light?
i’m afraid that seeing all its contents
might distract me from my goal.
you helped me find it once,
but now, i don’t have you.
i’m on my own, all alone,
to again find my missing peace.