Violets in my hair

Whiskey on my breath

Neon letters scrawled across my porcelain chest


Heaven looks so far away


That which makes me envision

Also steals my youth

Like an ancient smoke cloud thieves the mood


In one small stroke

Of my feathered ink pen

I could sign away the future

The whole earth

Is drenched in pearls

That glisten

Like the glitter on a winged cherub


The universe, in its entirety

Is bathed in a ritual bath

Of waters that are blessed by mothers


The space I now occupy Is covered

In the vines of a grassy bungalow

Cursed with graces from Golden Times


Utopia is real

It’s at 3 am
when I imagine you.
Your hands, the way you move them
around my body, roaming through.
Your voice makes me go weak,
my legs trembling at each word.
I have been like this for a week.
The way you’ve got me is absurd.

Thinking I gave the goat away and showed the spirit the door until it's late and knowing that I've had some wholesome weeks. She is chanting again, reminding me what is so wrong and mocking my attempts for peace of my own mind.  I think she is lying. I think she is honest.

I am alone but alone with them.
I am alone but alone with them.
I AM ALONE BUT ALONE WITH THEM.

They chant louder.

Depression is the demon.
Sadness is the ghost.
and Anxiety is the monster they hold against me.

panic

it’s the pounding that comes first
she can hear it
the blood running in her veins
her heart beating like a drum

soon the air will escape her
no matter how fast she runs
the air will always sprint faster
the breaths won’t come easy

her mind will soon join the race
thoughts flooding her brain
drowning out the calm
sending her sanity into last place

this race comes and goes
striking at any point
unpredictable and unstoppable
a battle to win

when the panic attacks come
the gun sounds
and the race begins

I wake up
The perfect imbalance waiting for me
                                          The judge speaks
“Did you love?”
                  Yes, but not how you wanted me to love
                   Not in a way that would make them happy
                  In a way that was mine- and only mine
                  And though I wanted to scream I never made a sound
“Did you hate?”
                  Oh, with all my heart,
                   But never for long and I would
                   Forgive and forget and forgive and forget
                   And I would direct the hate inwards above all
                   Untamed and with no remorse
“Do you pray?”
                   Occasionaly, though not to a god, for they never listen
                   Not even to the saints or the holy spirit.
                    I learned my lesson a long time ago. I pray nevertheless.
“Do you deserve to be saved?”
                    I don’t know
                    To be perfectly honest I wouldn’t save myself
                    But some would give up anything to save me
                    And I can’t omit that

I wake up.

how beautiful to be with whom
who truly cares about u
makes u be u
and always supports u

how beautiful to be with whom
who is always with u
in all the moods that hurts u
and never to let u

how beautiful to be with whom
who so strongly loves u
always hugs you
and reminds u the important of u

how beautiful to be with whom
who feels u
understand u
and never to judge u

how beautiful to be with the whom...