I'll blow my brains
'Cause I deserve it
Ignore my pains
'Cause I'm not worth it


They hurt us
These are the ways they vent
Us monsters
Should get our punishments


Us monsters
We are the monsters
We deserve it
These are the ways they vent

Us monsters
They hurt us
Price of a sentience?

Price of a sentience...
We're true monsters.

ITs mind is like a maze
Filled with chaotic, nuisance, ****** haze
Every sin and curse and the 7 deadly sins, submit
Soon you'll float too there

Hate and rejection is what IT feels like
Fear is the fuel that IT needs all the time,
So being brave is foolishness for IT, submit,
And soon you'll float there too

Love is what IT isn't all about
That fear for IT is the courage for us all,
Living in peace is what IT doesn't know, believe and learn
To let everything go

How can you sleep knowing that you can easily hurt someone close to you?
Easy, it's because they don't know you're hurting
You put up all these walls to the point that saying "it's fine" is the verge of tears
You know you're not fine, but you push through it all
Trying to stay focus on one project a day gets harder as days pass
You just wish for someone to ask if you need help with any of your projects
...but no...no one ask, but it's fine
It's fine that you can silently cry and no one will notice your puffy red face
It's fine that you had to suppress emotions to make your friends and family happy
It's fine that your parents haven't seen you have an anxiety attack
Wait, no...change that, to the fact that parents think my anxiety is part of a phase
If it was a phase, I would like it to be over already
A phase is what my parents were thinking when I wanted to dye my hair
A phase is what my friends thought when I realized I liked girls
But hey, it's fine
Generally okay with the fact that I will rarely get support from family
But it's fine because my "family" that I have created thanks to some loyal friends will be there holding signs, screaming my name louder than everyone
It's fine that I can barely speak about myself without getting mixed up emotions
Emotions that have been hiding under my bed with the monsters that stopped existing
The emotions everyone clearly don't want to see with me...so then I put up more walls
Each wall stronger than the last one
Using all kinds of materials for each wall
But its it's okay because I think it's fine.

Stolen in the night
Children hushed of fright
Lullaby sung
Bow strung
Arrow nocked and ready
Hands once shaking, now steady

Hush, dear ones
The mortal shuns
What they do not understand
Beatings, mockery, barely able to withstand
What they throw at us
The things they discuss

We are different
Unique, standing out in the crowd
Going against the current
In mystery, we are shroud

Ravens caw
Tales of woe
Mortals gape in awe
Yet that was a time ago
Now they point fingers
And the terror lingers

Hush, children of night
They understand not our plight
So spread your wings
Take flight
Do not accept their rings
Do not be bound to them
It is us they condemn

Show them no mercy
For never did they show any
An age old controversy
Stealing the lives of many
For a pretty penny

Rest now, children of mine
You are safe and sound
Rest those heads of thine
They lay in their caskets in the ground
Worry not my darlings; hush now
Close your eyes, and drift off
They are gone, it matters not how
Just rest now, hush
There is no rush
Hush, children, hush

- Jay M
January 4th, 2020

I bit into you and
there was nothing scary there,
I had to let you go.
I've always loved monsters more than men.

A voice is heard often
Like a lion roaring in a den.
He wants to come out,
Roar once again, slake his drought.

But another voice is heard again,
It rebukes the lion and closes the den.
This voice sounds like that of a man
Who wants to do all, but has no plan.

The day isn’t too far
When the tumult will turn into a war.
Face of lion with a body of man, I see,
None is ready to set the other free.

This war of the voices begins with the sunrise,
And ends at the moment I close my eyes.
This is the way where monsters tread,
Head’s alive, while the heart’s dead.

The shadows creep into the corners of my vision
Cave in and surround me
as I let out a silent scream,
a final plea for the help I know I will never receive.
I bury myself in blankets,
lose myself in words,
dull my mind with glowing screens.
And yet, the darkness still draws near.

As my puffy eyes fall closed for the first time
in so, so long...
My mind slows and calms, the barriers falling
the guards leaving at the end of their shift
before the horrors arrive.

It's not long before I can feel the snake
slithering into my slightly parted lips
And sliding down my throat.
Red-rimmed eyes shoot open
and my gaping mouth chokes for air
as it smirks, eyes glittering with pleasure.
The monsters twist around my gut
nibble at my heart
lick their lips with delight
and eye their new victim's soul with desire.

They gently caress my stomach with their claws
leaving red gashes oozing with blood.
And just as I think I've found relief
in your worried blue eyes,
the puppeteers twist my face into a smile.
I feel myself nod and say, "Yes, I'm all good"
as I beg for somebody to hear me,
to stop this pain.

I'm answered with the infiltrators,
now massacring my happy thoughts
and filling my brain with fears.

"Useless"
"Failure"
"They never liked you anyway"
"They wish you were dead"
"Just leave already"
"Leave"
"Leave"
"Leave"

A chant,
a mantra
buzzing at the back of my mind
like a song on replay
always on the radio, no matter
how many times you switch the station.

Thoughts are spiralling
Kicking up the dirt
covering the casket
already set in the ground for me.

And on the tombstone,
"Death by a merciless enemy --
anxiety."

for a brief moment
a nano second
I was aware
unaware of it
it's globular mess
those molecules
green, red, orange, white, blue
bursting
outwards
but pressed too tightly inwards
there was no room for their expression
they repelled
that spherical mess held together with an invisible membrane
explosive
wound up
each desiring to escape from it's counterpart
similar but vastly different
and then the bears claws
elongated
abnormal
scratching a tear down and through my very soul
the inner world met the manifest fears of the outer world
every cell, no, molecule in my body screamed
screamed
screamed
I could only help myself
I awoke