Anxiety.
It eats you from the inside out.
It claws and tears its way through your ribs,
Like a staving hyena desperate for food.
It is chained inside with no way out.
Chains that drag you deep into the water.
Deep into a dark void.
A void that is suffocating,
Forming a lump in your throat
Like hands wrapped around your neck.
A lump that strangles you,
And holds you down.
Causing the inability to know up from down.
It’s the monster lurking in the abyss
Grabbing you to make you one of your own.

Darkness.
Darkness is your monster
But it is also your friend.
It can give you clarity
Even as it blankets your vision.
It can give you comfort
Even as you feel suffocated.
In life, darkness is a symbol of fear, anguish and misery.
But remember,
Before you entered this world you were in darkness.
You were in a comforting void where you developed and grew.
In dark times, this is where most growth lies,
And when light finally returns,
You were born new.

I believe there is a monster inside all of us
Insidious in nature, but all so fragile
Begging to be tamed

Tamed and loved.
Love is the only guarentee to peace
But every thing in this life meets its end and must be mourned before it can be fully appreciated

My monster lost its peace, now I'm restless.
Lashing out and acting out of character
Is this who I become after getting every thing I prayed for?

The fleeting moments of recalled joy in between the weight of loss make him hesitate.
But he has tasted the other side of his nature and yearns for it again

And he will seek it the only way he knows how, violence until peace can be found again.
I am just as foolish as him, this time hoping it sticks around.

"You're not a monster," she said from two and a half feet away, across the table. And as those four words exited her mouth, it was like I could see them coming for my absorption like a dagger I had to receive. They arched up in the shape of a rainbow, over her bowl of pad Thai, over 3 remaining coconut shrimp, past both Thai iced teas, dipping down over my panang and fell down inside of my ears.

I heard them.

Quicker than sound, my eyes dropped down, staring at my bowl instead of letting anyone see that I was about to cry.  Where does all of that water come from so quickly anyways? It's like my body just decides to pull any water from any cell within. My own body takes from its own inside life to put on the outside so other life can see how I'm hurting inside. Those tears were stolen by a force I can't control to put my thoughts on display. It's twisted when you think about it that way.

Even if I were a monster, I would still be worthy of love and protection. Just recently I was at the optometrist and described my ears like the creature from goonies, and to adjust my glasses accordingly, please. She quickly reminded me that my uneven ears were normal and beautiful. Not just with words, with her hands touching my ears. She could probably smell the anxiety I exude, and chose to change the mood.

That was her choice.

Everyone has that choice. I know I'm a broken human, I'm as broken as the sunflowers in the picture. They don't look broken but two weeks after I took that photograph, they were all dug up and thrown away by the people that own that land. I just have to hope that some of their seeds fell during that removal so that they have an unexpectedly marvelous rebirth. I hope.

I know I'm not a monster, I've lived a life of service to others. Even my enemies don't have much meat inside the beef they have for me, it's mostly just my personality... which is light enough to crumble into a powder and be blown away by the wind. I've given away everything that I am. I've given love to people who didn't ask for it, I've given my best love to strangers, my longest and strongest love to family.

I'm not a monster. I just have a configuration that is unpopular.

it's more powerful than me
it takes over anytime it wishes
makes me it's obedient slave
makes me ****, wound and destroy
turns me into the ugly
turns me into the dark
under its control
i lash out, i annihilate
i have no choice
i cannot resist
i can't control it
how do i stop it
i can't control it
but i use it's evil
i can use it against me
i can annihilate me

the beast within
a ticking time bomb
never know when what you do is wrong

run and hide
close the blinds
the monster is out from under the bed

“look what you did”
“it’s all your fault”
it really wasn’t but that’s fine

i said i was sorry
“sorry doesn’t fix it”
“your apology was arrogant”
here we go again

the beast is out of its cage
someone else forgot to feed it
but the target is always me

doesn’t matter what you say
what you do
or try to prove

the beast is hungry
the monster is angry
the beast is scary
the monster is crashing
the beast is dad
the monster is him
it’s better when both are silent and hidden within

Am I a poor sister,
for constantly pushing them away,
in for losing my temper too easily?

they'll ask me to check the closet,
or underneath their beds,
"there's a monster".

but it makes me wonder,
maybe the true monster is me.

The fairy's would spin and twirl
through the long green grass
where the daffodils to grow
so the wind rarely blows
now their wings are cut
so the pixies do not soar
they trudge in the mud
drenched in the rain

Vampire teeth are filed down
Dracula no longer smiles
as no one skitters at the sight of his grin
in their shadows they lived as monsters
free from societies constraints
now dentists approve of their teeth
but they still jump from shadow to shadow
scared of the truth they can't bare to face

Santas sleigh can not fly
it used to leap magestically
between warm rooftops
where smoke does rise out the chimney
but now the reindeers are tired
their hoofs cemented to the ground
bells no longer ringing against the wind
the nights are now silent

So now I'm left to wonder
and I really do ponder
has this magic disappeared
or is it just lost to me?

**** that M0NST3R that's chasing me!
I'm tired of running like a guinea pig on a spinning wheel
It yearns for the tears that smells like steel
It swallows my words
And sometimes walks in herds
Chasing the sense of VVLN3R@B1L1TY

I don't give a **** if that M0NST3R has voice lines and looks hot
I'm more worried about trying to find the keys while the M0NST3R is trying to eat me alive!
The house is secured, as if I were playing Granny
The locks in the house says I have to wait until the next decade
To use them!?

Don't stop running when I need to be medicated, hello?
M0NST3R has bitten my neck
And it won't give me another sec
Before it comes for another B1T3!

"faint
faint
faint
sleep
sleep
sleep
my dear child
let the bed bugs bite"
IT KEEPS TELLING ME IN WHILE THE WORLD IS BLURRING TO A HAZE
and the water drops
.