I was busy running away from pain,
That I forgot to see my lads soaking wet from painful rain,
I run, run, and didn’t look back.
That made the rain even worst and made a terrible crack.
I closed the door for the pain not to enter.
But forgot about the people who are my center,
I was too selfish for thinking about my own heart.
I was busy saving myself that people started to depart.
I was saving myself, yes!
But made a painful and terrible mess,
I didn't know how to handle it all,
I was trapped in my own dark whole.

Yelling from my peers
I shouldn't be here
But it wasn't my choice
Its that small little voice,
Yelling
Screaming
Perfection is what I strive for
Pain stabbing to the core
But really I just can't handle this
It's reality I miss
To close to the edge
Nightmares of jumping off the ledge
I'm tired of eveyone's fake kindness
I'm a mess.

It's far from homely
Odour of something
Don't know what.
Kick crushed cans
Scattered
Envelopes of late payments:
cant afford them.
Shove them aside
Drag thumbs over
The chipped controller
The tinny TV
The low-res game.
Grab a stranger
One night stand
Clinging to their skin.
Unsightly.
Grunt.
Chafed and blotchy
Pretty scrawny
No one cares.
Use them
Like they are using you
To escape the drag
That is this existence.
Leave them in silence
Belt buckle done up
Hiss goes the beer can
Slump
Take a swig.
Back tomorrow
To the grind
Splash face
With water
Fumble sleepily
With the nylon tie
And crawl through
Another day.

“Happiness is a sweet, sticky, toffee–  
Flavored mess.” His words ghosted in my ears.

“And I’m discontent, here in this abbey,
To sit and wait for your unhappy fears.
I’d much rather have peppermint kisses,
Sharp and pricking sweet on your supple tongue.”
My voice: bold, unfazed by his many faces.

His laughter filled the still space and rung,
Alarm bells of impending disaster.
Unsure of the steps, we, unfaltering,
Continued on; trusting in our anger
So we might wake.  

How long were we sleeping?
Forget rose-colored glasses! I wanted
To see us in all our colors faded.

opening MY phone
with MY finger print
sometimes is the only
way to assure myself
that I am STILL ME
in MY body

whenever I say "I don't care anymore"
it's not to emphasize that I really don't
it's more like a reminder
to myself
that I shouldn't

cause I keep forgetting and forgetting
cause it's hard not to care, ok?

Sitting on a putrid mess
Of solitude and homesickness
I wish I had someone to which I could shout
But hey, look at it from the bright side, friend:
At least you can finally breathe out.

Why do I hate making decisions so much?
I feel like I'm missing
That one thing I didn't
Decide to do
And if I have only 65 more years left, I don't wanna miss out.
BUT I feel like I'm missing
Out on the big picture
If I don't decide.
And I have only 65 more years left

Let go your ego's, even if it's tough
Let's just say, that time was rough

Don't break the trust again by playing bluff
End this now, I guess it's enough

It's time to clean up the mess
How long will you take to confess

I'll expect nothing more from you
I know things won’t be same, as I expect to

Still, try & let go your ego's, even if it's tough
Let's just say, that time was rough