I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for all that you represented in my life over the last year. The first day I met you on campus I knew that you were a woman of stature and confidence. You were to be admired! You carried yourself with such grace and you radiated buoyancy that I admired. You have been there, cheering me on, encouraging me to get help and reminding me of my value to others. Thank you for your encouragement, I will not forget it.
You were always there for me with a kind word and an available ear. So many times your words made me smile, and I felt cared for by your friendship. And although you were encouraging and kind, you were also sincere. I appreciate that so much, your honesty, and my feelings were never upset by your words because you were always gentle in your communication. I was never angry or hurt by anything you said…I took it in the spirit you intended, and although sometimes it was not easy to hear, it was always an opportunity to look within myself for an opportunity to grow. Thank you for your sincerity.
When I had lost not only my way, but also my compass, in this world, you have encouraged me to find answers and deal with issues. And you also knew that for most of my life, love, acceptance and self- worth were all based on my ‘performance’. “If I do this…my mother will love me, my friends will love me”…and on and on and on. And it was a daunting task, keeping everything together for everyone, trying so hard to keep that mask on so no one would know what I came from, how tainted my past was…and the facade of who I pretended to be consumed me by the time I hit the age of 30. Any negative swerves in the road, anything that happened that I could not control, was quickly swept under the rug so the outward appearance of super-Nita remained perfect. Not many people could see beneath that mask, not many were allowed to see. I did, however, trust you to see beneath the shroud I presented to most people. I allowed you to see the ‘real’ Nita because you were compassionate and honorable.
But I keep trudging through the mud and the muck, even though many days I feel as though I am stuck in quick-sand. It is not easy, and I still revert back to my most treasured tools of self-destruction….old habits are hard to break. Once I ‘fall off the wagon’ it is difficult to climb back on again. The key for me is to proactively identify the triggers that precede the behavior so I can head them off at the pass. Meaning – have a plan in place and implement that plan BEFORE I find myself on the bathroom floor with blood pooling on the tile from the wounds I inflict on myself in an effort to feel the internal pain in a physical way. Some days are better than others…as you know, it is “one day at a time”.
There are days when I am okay, and on those days, I feel a renewed sense of hope, but there are days when I am not okay, and I struggle to find the will and the strength to continue. Although the internal wounds are still raw and bleeding, the external ones, the wounds I have inflicted upon myself, are fading.
We all have different strengths and I am thankful to have you in my life.
I am thankful for the friends who have stuck by me during this tumultuous time, those who are here to help hold my head above water when I lack the strength, and those who encourage me to keep running to a better life, to a life worth living, to a place of peace. It takes endurance and an unwavering faith, and I am lucky to have them. I know that someday I will be okay.
