// Internal System Log: CORRUPTED
// Status: [St@bil!ty = ]
// Emotional Containment Protocol: UNSUCCESSFUL

⸻

BEGIN REPORT:

Input()Input()Input()Input()Input()Input()Input—

[[TooM­u.ch//Prcssing]]
[[Intake>Breathe>Breathe>STOP]]
[[Overload threshold breached: 147%]]
[[SILENCE REQUESTED—but no mute function exists.]]

:: Ceiling fan = bl@des.
:: Light = thorns behind the eyes.
:: Voice (x3) = collision.

Smell-of-metal
Sound-of-thought
Feel-of-cloth
= same weight

!!!

Every thread = a scream.
Every hum = a map of somewhere I cannot go.

I f   e     e      l      t    o   o      m u   c   h

B@ckgr()und noise reclassified: Hostile
Texture = LANGUAGE
Light = WEAPON
Breath = HEAVY::LOUD::VISIBLE

⸻

MEMORY ATTEMPT: BLOCKED

Recall = corrupted.
Syntax folding in on self.
:: errorrpt ::

“it’stooloud”
“it’stoonow”
“iwasbuiltwrong”

[[Contain­ment sequence failed.]]
[[Masking loop frozen mid-loop.]]

:: Body = too connected
:: Skin = antenna
:: Thoughts = UNIVERSE EXPERIENCING ITSELF

Request:
—s h u t d o w n—
—p a u s e—
—decre@se awareness—

ERROR. No exits.

⸻

Voice modulation: SILENCED
Eye contact: NO ACCESS
Tongue: SYSTEM JAMMED
Hands: mimic comfort sequence [looping…looping…]

Body: offline
Presence: simulated
Pain: everywhere
Witness: no one

⸻

:: Let them call this dramatic
:: Let them call this a phase
:: Let them call this poetry
:: They are not inside this moment.

—

!    s    o     m     u     c    h       i     n      h     e     r     e

…still…
i do not want to leave.
i just want it all
to
slow

d o w
n

⸻

[TRANSMISSION: TERMINATED]

Final ping: [[Iamstill_here]]
Recovery window: unknown
System will reboot once internal volume falls below threat levels.

Needles pressing on my neck
waiting for the skin to break

Needles pressing on my eyes
trying to reach the soul

Needles stuck into my ears
this hurts more than they know

It's not their fault
it's not my fault
it's no one's fault
just breathe
relax
relax relax relax

Needles going up my nose
too much
too much!

The needles slowly break my blood brain barrier
become my very existence
i pop

majestic glaciers
the hottest day on record—
Antarctic meltdown




© 2020 by Mark Toney.  All rights reserved.

dark room
draped in shadow

soft music
slipping in and out

gentle colors
flow into my eyes

fuzzy socks
will warm my soul

heavy blankets
help ease my pains

emotions bundled up
unstable nuclear reactor
waiting to meltdown

cute chuckles
what’s so funny
absolutely nothing
she is nervous, angry
& sad
all she can do is laugh
all she can do is pretend,
act like things are okay

i'm just the same as all of you
yet i can't see from your point of view
been awhile since i felt the ground
been awhile since i heard a sound
a grumbling, a noise, somebody's voice
something to pull me out of the void
awake and asleep, awake and asleep
sometimes it's shallow, sometimes it's deep
waking up's the worst part
the same as a restart
heaven or hell, heaven or hell
just ask my brain cells
need another hit, i'm addicted
i need to feel lifted
to really feel like i'm living
like a human being

or at least halfway there
it's the truth laid bare
whatever, i don't care
i was always taught to share
but some things i should keep to myself
wrote this out to read to myself
love letters to myself cause i got nobody else
there's no one left, no more steps
guess no one's right, you're all out of your depth
i can't get you so why would you try
it's only right i'm hung out to dry
i'm just venting, i'm just lamenting
so my thoughts might be offending
but let it be known these words i'm sending
can always be worse, you heard it from me first
maybe this will help me find some purpose
stop feeling useless and be a little selfish
hopefully i can stop acting so helpless