Yes I knew that I needed a heavy dose of medication, but this medication would be none other than a piece of paper and a pen through which my feelings transformed to a shelter for any eyes able to read between the lines

I am analogue.
made of troughs and of peaks.
My medication offers
silence with tweaks.
I'm upping and downing,
either dreaming or drowning.
So I can't stay too long
in case something goes wrong.

First thought of the day
is of impending doom.
Rain clouds have gathered
and it pours in my room.

Later on that day,
I feel I'm okay
and I don't know why but
. . . . . I'll take it.

Poetry by Kaydee.

how do you categorize pain
I can't describe my mood from 1-10
pump me full of chemicals doctor dearest
tell me who I'm supposed to be again
a        m       e        n

The pills make me brave
no more stumbling words
or drowning in attention-waves.

The pills make me calm
no more marathon in my chest
but no calm without a storm.

The pills make me relax
no more arson in my cheeks
but i know it soon will attack.

The pills make me happy
or at least they suppress the tears
but they haven't set me truly free.

The pills make me a better version
while the real me is still a wreck
how do i break the distortion?

The pills make me feel alive
yet i'm still dying on the inside
but here i am; i intend to survive.

You cannot heal me
for I am not a broken soul.
My spirit carries heavy burdens
but my colours never dull.

Pointed torches in my face
this light, it hurts my eyes.
I was led alone, I sobbed
thinking no one heard my cries.

I smile in the face of the enemy
and laugh in the face of a friend.
It is not that I am lying
but that I must pretend.

What does it feel like?
It feels like you're numb
You don't feel anything emotionally
But at the same time you do
The numb feeling brings you depression and exhaustion
Tears refuse to fall, though
What does it feel like?
It feels like your head is heavy and clouded
Busy with thoughts
Your sane side is screaming at it to make it stop
At that point, you want to die just for it to end
What does it feel like?
It feels like I could let my head fall backwards, draping over my chair
And I could stare at the ceiling
Without feeling boredom, nor entertainment
I'd feel nothing
What does it feel like?
It feels like you wanting to sleep until that little episode goes away
Hopefully happiness finds its way into your mind again
Why do you think about death?
In truth,
None of us really want to die
We simply want this emotional and mental pain to end.