I was certain
that I had gotten
over the fact
that we were in the past
until I realized today
that I checked your blog
every single day
in hopes
of knowing what
is going through
your wondrous mind
the last time you posted
was when the leaves had fallen
and the ground was sprinkled with snow
new trees have long grown
and flowers are in full bloom
but I still think of you
and hope you may think of me too

Does it ever scare you to know..
That the sky, will never be painted as beautifully as it was today.
That the trees will never be greener, than they were today.
That the stars, will never be aligned again exactly as they are on this very night.
Does it ever scare you to know..
That your hair will never be parted or placed as it was today.
That your clothes will never smell as fresh as it was, today.
Or that your make up will never look exactly the same as it was today.
Does it ever scare you to know..
That this day, May 7th, 2015, will never happen again.
And the sun in the sky, will never shine brighter than it did today.
And that the memories made today, will never occur again.
Does it ever scare you to know..
That since the day we were born, the only thing we were destined in life is death.
That we live everyday, moving closer and closer to the end of our time.
That our time here on Earth, is measuerd in days, hours, minutes, seconds..
Does it ever scare you to know..
That the people, places, things, around you at this very moment..
Will cease to exist, to know it'll all be gone in an instant someday.
That the days gone by, are just memories now..
Does it ever scare you to know..
That in 10 years, things will be completely different.
And the moments we're making in our life right now, will soon be forgetten.
Lost in all the other moments we've made along the years.
Does it ever scare you to know..
Because it scares me..
It scares me to know that everything in front of me at this very moment,
Will all change in an instant someday.
That the people and places, I know right now, I will not know someday.
That this so called "life" I am living right now,
Will some day be replaced with death.. And my days here will end.
I think I fear the future, because I have no idea what's in store for me..
I fear it so much to a point, that it keeps me up at night..
Wondering..

May is Borderline Personality Disorder awareness month. I was diagnosed two years ago when I was 15, and I've now just turned 17.  I haven't spoken of this much before, and I don't really talk about it in general, but I think it's important for those with this disorder to come together to support each other, and for those who don't have it to understand what it's like. If anyone wants to talk or needs support,
I'm here for you. You're beautiful, stay strong.

I find myself reading more and more
Autobiographies
In a desperate attempt to find
Someone who feels the same pain as I do.

antlers
fourteen points
cernunnos stirs
while the daffodils
reach their thirties
orderly routines
-
stones start skipping
replete potholes, puddle-filled
paving the way
capsizing axles
-
sipping steam from fog clouds low-hanging
not really minding that my shirt is wet from the concrete

June will kiss you and tell you that you’re beautiful,
July will ******* senseless and leave you with a bleeding heart,
August will try to put your broken pieces back together only to get cut and leave you still broken,
September will bruise you and ask you why you’re still crying on the floor,
January  will snap  you in half and  later kiss your scars but only ends up cutting you deeper,
February will be an ocean of self destruction, washing over you and gently cradling you in it’s arms,
March is broken records all over your apartment floor and driving to the liquor store at 4 am,
April is blood in the sink, crying yourself to sleep, shaky hands and breaking down every time you hear his name,
May is a storm forming in your eyes when you realize that you need to save yourself and when you stopped loving yourself, they stopped loving you too, when they tell you that wounds will heal, you know that you’re never going to forget.
All you wanted was to hear the words ‘i’m never going to leave you’

Falling pink petals
Plinking my head
A saxophone serenade

Kind of kind of blue
A solitary birch among many hundreds
Of deciduous trees, its paper

Bark scored with age
White among shadows
And the endless breeze takes me up

Into Tiffany-blue sky
Pollen clumps litter the edges of lawn
Calliope streaming from a mared and seahorsed

Carousel dances in my head
Disobedient canine in exodus
Defiant against the silhouette

Of a circled dog
Line diagonally cutting across
Wah wah wah as the ducks in the pond

Are chased away.
Endless verdant day criss-crossed with
Walking paths and robin’s-egg sky punctuated

With drifting cotton shapes.
Brazen squirrels accustomed to the pleasant
Bustle and hustle

Bat City, unopened, in my lap
Mothers feeding children
Hungry mouths to breast.

Seeking out a lemonade stand
Near Winter Street in spring
A yellow burst of sour notes sing

On my palate
A bargain at a fiver on a day as this
Soundtrack peppered by buskers and

An ***** grinder turning the crank on his street ***** and
Birds and
The woo of occasional sirens.

A mother wheeling her child along
In a stroller
Mohawked, tattooed, pierced lip and

She smiles on by.
Ivied brownstones and balconies railed
With wrought iron

End our stay
On this idyllic day
In month of May.