hard of hearing
bleeding out
taking pills
in excess
hearing voices
seeing things
unreal sounds
playing games
different face,
different name,
different hair,
never the same
afraid of stale water
afraid of change
keeping distance
finding blame
i'm sure some of it is true
i'm not a good storyteller after all
just a chameleon
self defense mechanism
stumbling through all the fog
when i was little i changed myself every time we moved away
i had determined that life was a game and i just had a bad hand to play
i learned how from a very young age to start bluffing and counting cards
when your identity is molded from ways to avoid pain you start to forget who are
don't raise your voice here
2 parts delusions 3 parts fear
please believe me, i love you
please believe me i do
please believe me i'm drowning
you don't believe me, do you?

Sweet smiles lined with lip gloss
tell the most articulate lies.
These girls have learned to deceive the weak
using their soft voices as a protective disguise.

They're trained to think it's easier to inflict pain
rather than to live in it themselves.
So they set up walls incapable of being breached
and in this womanmade pit of loneliness, they fell.

I always saw through their false lashes
and into their coffee-black tainted souls.
But it wasn't until I met the all-star actress
that on my heart, my mind lost its hold.

She became my treasure box where I stored
my secrets and stories for her to keep them safe.
Yet her snake-like tongue repeated all I invested
into building a world filled with my own self-hate.

Now, I miss her lip gloss smile
but no doubt her smile had always been a sneer.
These two-faced girls will hypnotize  you into believing
their soft-spoken lies are all you wish to hear.

I am tired of being told what I should and what I shan't.
And I know this platform isn't for ranting and yet here I'll rant.
I am sick of being empty, aimless, vague and out of place.
I am sick of wasting all your air, of taking all your space.
And my claws, I use to tear my skin, so that I could be set free,
And my screams I let out muffled and hushed to spare you my agony.
And my body feels imprisoning, my breath is getting faint
And my eyes are melting, face is welting, dying from the paint
And the bathroom doors complaining from the numb and from the tear
And my psyche getting tired of all the sorrow and the fear.
And the voice inside my head, always saying I'm not enough
And the lies I tell myself like "you can make it, you are tough."
And the people I looked up, lived with, shared with my days
And the lies they taugh me, unconditional love, they said, stays.
And the God whom I once worshiped and for whom I often cried
And the deaf, the blind, the disabled, to whom he's closely tied.
And the fact that I am beyond your repair, beyond all that can be done
And the way I feel at the start of each day and with every falling sun.
And the creature biting on my heart at every given chance
And the demons sitting in my head, not letting me advance.
And the love I always had, different faces every while
And the feelings that I gave away and never even got a smile.
This is not a ranting place, and yet here I wrote.
Is this a good place though to write one's suicide note?

We are all liars in some way shape or form; if truth were told always there would be more chaos than order

Deceit lies there, among the roses,
blooming in the weeds;
slugs sidle up the leaves
where the dormouse breeds;
and nothing gently lives here
where the sparrow haunts-
within the shadows that voles fear-
the breeze that whispering taunts.

Yes, i believe you,
I always believe your stories.
You would never lie to me.
You always tell the truth.
I trust you with my life.
Wait, what is this?
What are they saying?
I dont understand.
You are a liar?
What is the pain I feel?
Why have you stabbed me in the back?
Friend?
...Friend?

The walls are closing in and i hear my demons knocking at the door.
The screeching of the shadows and the sirens are much louder than before.
I sworn myself to secrecy but the secrets are not mine to keep,
and my mouth will keep on running until i run out of gasoline.
My body is a temple but i let the princess down when i lent the key to her palace out to the public.

If i were to be honest,
I'm scared of who i have become.
And if i weren't on this **** medication,
it'll seem i could finally find somebody who would love me for just me,
and not some drugged up version of a chemical imbalance.
I thought i was perfect before.

I guess not.
Nothing ever happens like I planned,
and that's the way life planned it.
And if i think right,
he will leave me once again,
and that's what he intended.

But if he comes back to me,
what was will never be and what will be
will never be what it was once before.

If i were to be honest,
I'm not sure if i could handle the disappointment i set myself up for
months before our reunion.
Tell me how it feels to **** me once again with your words.
Smother me slowly, and cover me completely with the flowers that you picked on our first date.
Those of which have never died
just like my love for you.

But your feelings have wilted with the seasons.
You come and go as you please,
and i am just the fool who believed them,
the lies you sold to me in the
bouquet of the week.

I've learned a few things from you
And from the situation, a multitude.
I'm not to blame, for you can't just point fingers to relieve your shame.
You know, it's hurt in a way,
showed me how ungrateful I am to those who make me feel home.
I'd rather be learning, seeing lessons up close,
Than concealed and shushed to safety.
These experiences create me.
I never knew how long I could with stand pacing.
Do not run and hide, you'll always be with your own self,
It's pointless when your shadow is chasing.
I've witnessed your soul turn frail,
I've seen every part of you, every slick inch,
I've touched your every darkened scale.
Is it sickening to watch yourself wither?
You ought to satisfy the hunger,
that grumbling is being mistaken,
misheard for pity rather than what it's supposed to be,
forgiveness, in yourself,
which, in return, may set you free.