i write out the letters and
i send them without shaky hands
is this it? is this growth?

hyacinthus, i am selfish
everyone already knows that
i would sacrifice the world for you
and not once consider turning back

the flowers you weaved into wreaths when
we were two boys in love with each other
they sat like crowns upon our heads
we were just two kings in a field of flowers

aphrodite warned me what was written in stone
that my father had given only one throne
she warned me that it could never fit two kings
but when my gaze landed on you, i disagreed

for you, i would have offered my throne
for you, i would have traded my crown
for you, i would have sacrificed the world
for you by my side, i would have let it all burn down

but for you, hyacinthus,
i will also learn to be selfless
i will listen to your soft, dying words
and upon river styx, i will promise:

i will not tear the world apart
to have you by my side again
i will be bitter, i will be vengeful
but i will not act upon my vengeance

for the sake of this undeserving world
for my love towards you, i will be selfless
for the sake of your dying wish, hyacinthus,
i will swear, i will promise:

i will let you go softly,
i will not be selfish,
i will let you go gently, my love—
gently, but not unnoticed

i will keep skipping stones in the dark until
my feet grow wet and my ears become filled
with the pitter-patters echoing across the pond

will these whispers reach your daffodils that sway so far away?
will your flowers feel the warmth that i offer to the breeze?
will the winds lay mercy on the hope that i hold so close?

so for selfish reasons, i ask you to look away, narcissus:
your love for that reflection has already dug you
a grave deep enough to smother apollo's sun

and i, painted forever as foolish, naive echo—
and i, who have already lost my voice and home—
my love, i cannot bear to lose you, too

summer love
and your glacier eyes
grass stains
on silken skin
with the taste of july
staining our lips,
one look from you
and i'm on my knees
drunk on your kiss
each lie sweeter
than dandelion wine.

what a tragedy it would have been
if you had loved me when i had confessed
because now i know, i hadn't understood then

that my definition of love had been  
not so much actually loving but rather just
a romanticized idea of being in love instead

I had that dream again
the one where I'm floating in space
stuck in a box that looks like where I sleep
I can't control my container's course
as it floats towards a black hole
I try to push my cell in another direction
but I just make the room spin
faster and faster
until I'm holding onto the floor for comfort
then I look over and see you
laying next to me
making me feel safe and warm
we kiss and cuddle
forgetting the spinning cosmos outside.

I know you're not real
you're an amalgamation of everyone I know
friends, family, suitors, lovers
you may not be real
but the safety you provide in my nightmare is
so I thank you for that
and for spending time with me
which is how I know you're not real
but I enjoy our nights together all the same.

like a compass that has lost north
spinning without pattern, without end
my heart races erratically, unmoored
by just the soft touch of your hand

you look so happy without me
it feels like i am drowning in regret because
i just wish i could make you smile like that

i wish i could make you smile as you do now
make you laugh as you do, standing next to her
make you happy the way she makes you

you two even have matching necklaces
wearing matching colors, matching
the way we did when we were together

but now your smile matches hers
and that is all that is different
but it makes all the difference

we crashed together
so naturally
like the sea
against the shore
sandy lips
and ocean eyes
whispering promises
washed away
by morning.