I haven’t been feeling well,
I have been feeling down,
Not knowing what to do with my life,
Nothing seems to be working,
Nothing seems worth it;

I feel overwhelmed,
I feel stressed,
I am scared,
and yet,
I feel so empty;

Why do I feel so empty?

I remember feeling accomplished, proud and happy,
But it feels like a distant memory,
Like a memory from a past life,
That like everything else just disappeared with the winds of time;

And yet;

They feel real enough that I can keep being hopeful,
And in a way,
It just makes everything harder,
Sadder,
I feel enough to keep going but not enough to know if it’s worth it;

I can’t help but question myself,
Why? How? When?
Why do I keep feeling like this?
How do I get better?
When did I lose myself?
Is it worth it?

Or,
Should I join myself with the memories and just disappear with the winds of time.

Maybe I cry too much, love too much, and feel too much
I’m sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable to talk to me
I can be too sensitive, I try, but I can never win
So sorry if my heart’s too big to fill the box you put me in

And I wish you could see all the love I have to give
Inside a brain that thinks so fast that it forgets that I am breathing…

And I know I shine the brightest when I haven’t got a clue
Of how whatever hell is wrong with me takes all the fun away from you
I know that I shine brighter when I cannot understand
How I can never fill the shoes you try to fit onto my hands

And I wish that you would take all the care I have to give
Inside someone who loves so much she forgets she should be eating…

Maybe I hurt too much, talk too much, and think too much
Perhaps that makes me less than worthy of the friendship that I need
I could call you up again, but maybe I’ll just let them in
The ones who treat me like I’m not a burden ladled onto them

The ones who hold me while I cry and think I deserve better
And ones who drive out to my house no matter what the weather
The day I let you go was when I knew that I was free
I knew I shined the brightest when I let you walk away from me

I dont miss you
I dont miss your face
Your laugh
Your hair

I just miss the touch
Someone by my side
To laugh with
To hug

Does everyone feel this way?
Living day by day,
unable to escape?

I used to be sad
Now im just numb
I miss when i would cry
The sadness would fill me to my brim

But at least then I wasnt empty.

This room, a void, its too hot
Its too cold, layers on and off
Sweat shivers out my pores
Now i'm open to the black
Black lace black hair black air, even
Not pressing down but
congealing
Around me
Like tar, ******* further into the pit
I could probably climb out
Limbs clutching, tugging, struggling at
that black.
Endless black.
Heart aches, mind races, it chases and
Hunts me, gathers me, sees me
Me
For what I am,
for what I always will be
A cold blooded, hot skinned star
Stuck in the spaces between the dark.

and my fingers bled the moment you left--
I sliced them on a broken mirror
when throwing out the trash;
the cuts were
deep, the blood flowed heavy;
my first instinct was to **** the
wound and it helped briefly,
for a moment,
before the sting of glass surged

If you know me
That doesn't mean you own me

Close the blinds,
silence the laughter
no spoken word and no life sign
shall disturb my hopeless slumber.

For I am alive but I do not live
hidden from the present
lurking in forbidden gardens
where pain and doubts carry me.

I was once,
maybe I tried to be
now I am no more, will I be again?
Are the hidden ones truly free?
Are the silenced ones truly forgotten?

Close the blinds,
silence the laughter
echoes of silence reign here,
now and forever.

I seem to be at home on the margins
where I can be alone
with my folly
sweltering in my private bowl of stew
simmering in the sins
surrounding and piercing me
but you found me there
invited me into your heart
where you loved me
redeemed me
sewed my seams
pulled together my crazy quilt
made separate parts into a whole.