My dearest Jocelyn,

The very thoughts of you make me Homesick.
It's just as beautiful as miserable it sounds.

April 15, 2018. 11.11am - "Make a wish!"

"Did you make one?"

         I did, I wished for the impossible with all the might of my heart.

"Yep, I did."

         If only you knew, I wish for this with every beat of my heart on
         the daily.

"What is it?"

         I wished for everyday to be like this, I wished to wake up next to
         you, I wished to stay with you.

"I can't tell you, then it won't come true."

         We were meant to say goodbye from the beginning,
         The universe brought you to me, only to leave me attached
         and longing, knowing you'll have to be ripped out my life.
        
I ask myself sometimes, why did I let this happen?

Then I look at our hands, our present, intertwined, even if momentarily, I understand.

To be able to love, to be able to miss, to feel this kind of pain, to go through scrolls of memories with you, to understand depths of myself that were once shallows.

Our paths were always carved into two,

I can only wish,

our paths can come become one again.

Through all the kisses and tears, I'll be yours.

Always.

You lay in your bed, weeping silently
Internally writhing in emotional agony
You get a new message, it's from me
Because I will never leave you be.

You awaken, your eyelids wanting to droop
The days can seem bland and repetitive, it's true
But I can break you free of this accursed loop
Because I'm here for you.

I stare at the door in ill-concealed anticipation
My family is perplexed as to why I'm so happy
You knock, and I fling the door open in elation
Because you're finally here with me.

it rains every time I'm in your city
you say that it's a bad omen but
I think it's just because
the universe is trying her hardest
to grow flowers out of stones

six foot five
with an award winning smile.
a voice that could melt hearts,
that surely melts mine.

and here i am,
almost three in the morning.
and i know he came around
for some reason.

a good reason.

my life had fallen dark
after losing my last love.
but i guess my new man,
he's a gift from above.

he's changing my life,
and yes, for the better.
being with him will be
the end of my inner strife.

while he does live far,
my life will be going through changes.
over nine hundred miles away,
at, least that's by car.

but listen here my love,
my heart is wherever you are.

What has this boy done to me?
Life would be so much easier if I could just
forget he ever existed and go back to how things were.
I wouldn't have to worry about time zones
or having to get up early
or go to sleep late
or getting money to travel
or the lonely heartache I feel when we hang up.
I wouldn't have to worry about schedules
or the time it takes to mail a package there
or if we communicate well
or if I'm a good girlfriend
or the distant but ever-present doubts that this won't work out
and it's all a waste of time.
What has he done to me?
But then I look in his eyes...
and see his smile,
and hear his laugh.
What has he done to me?
Because suddenly none of those other things matter that much.
They all become bearable at the sound of his voice.
Everything is worth it at every "I love you," uttered,
at every "We can do this, we can make it."
sent at 2 in the morning.
All the troubles fade at the promise
of the future being better than today.
Being better than the hypothetical today in which
he, and all the pain, never existed.
I've come to truly believe this.
And I choose to endure the pain.
What has he done to me?

Your name
Your FULL name
flickering pixelated
on the computer screen

Your given blood
Your sacred spoken vein--
I whisper it in silence
And paint you into the room

You are here, not there
Golden and smiling
You taste of hard drive and wiring, but
in this moment
it is enough

--
c

I'm in the midst of people but it don't feel like it. I feel lonely because you're not here and I don't like it. When I need to talk to you most you're not there. I don't tell you how it feels because I know you wish you were here. I don't want to add to your burdens, I want to be your safe place. But I also need you beside me so all my insecurities will erase. I really need you but I'd never let you see, I know you need me too but for now you can't be with me. I don't know how long I can stay with these feelings of loneliness that build up when I can't talk to you for extended periods of time. But I hope it's long enough to see me through the tough times and till I can hold you in my arms.