You are so much to lose;
and for how I've gained
I'll accept all your burdens,
sorrow and pain;
but is it worth it for you?
with all my mistakes
I know they've caused you

melancholy and disdain.


It's mid-December,

but it feels like spring
such as the world, we are an
odd, complicated thing.


I just can't see you seeping
anything useful from me.
I am the raging forest fire that

mercilessly swept across the trees.


Lovely,

I don't mean to burn you,
I simply try to breathe


I can't help that it's within my nature
to destroy everything I meet


in time
with a heavy laden heart
my love

you'll fall to ashes at my feet.

For the first time
In several months
I have felt an emotion
That isn't resent
For another human being.
I am thinking of one of
My truest friends.
One of my main confidants
In all of life's turmoils.
And this emotion is sad.
I am sad because she truly
Believes that her path is set,
That this is the only way.
She is self loathing and she is sad.
She is brave above all else
But she is also a coward.
I wish more then anything
For her safety
In these approaching times.
They will not be easy
For anyone.

I can learn to love me,
even when I am sick of this tight skin.
My mind is playing enemy,
please look at me.
I keep cursing fantasy and reality-
folded photos reeking of sin
Crazed tongues keep me from
loving my skin

You're back and I've only been asking four years and two days. My passion never left, it only paved your way. Outside it's gotten colder than the weatherman will even say. The skies may stay clear but everything is gray. I wait for you on the tarmac with bouquets, four years yesterday it was to be my grave.

Everything and its nothingnesses made me black and blue, I was just ink blotter on a finger's noose, nonsense and writer's gloom. Some of me was hexed by my work, some of my flesh became unglued. My eyes may have resurrected a figure, but I can't be sure it's you. I'm at the Bay Bridge with weights tied to my shoes, where even the water can't judge my moves.

People lie to keep themselves as far away from their truth. Many can't even talk to you unless they have a drink or two. ****** and benzos too. Skinny vexed spirits accrue, walking into the waves until their skins turn blue.

Still sleeping with Ms. Placed Trust
"That's not healthy bro". -Yes I know
I know, I know, I know
Just let it be, leave it alone
It takes time to mend, time to grow
"It's gone forever, it won't come back,
save yourself get your life on track
this love is a sickness please see that."

Well this is me and this is you!
This is my life and your point of view!
I don't need your opinions, I need your help.
"Then take a step back and have a look at yourself.
She's bad for you man, she's bad for your health!
The more you love her the more you hate your
life and everyone else."

Poems sometimes
aren't enough ,
just
a hunger falling
from fingers  ,
hiding in paper

pretending to
be a statement

the less you write,
the more relevant
it is

I wanted to drown in your love.
I wanted to drown in your pain.
I mostly just wanted to drown out the sound of you saying we weren't compatible anymore.

It took me a long time and a lot of rage and self loathing to get to where I am now.
To get me to a point where I can say that my self esteem issues didn't ruin "us" but that you're lack of trust in love did.

I wanted to be ignited by your love.
I wanted to be ignited by your pain.
Mostly I wanted to ignite the fire that used to burn inside you with such intensity and joy for life.

Once I realized you would never admit your faults and you would find any possible way to watch me suffer; it was time to move on.
But each time around the start of fall till the end of winter... I dream about you endlessly.

I wanted to slow down Your love.
I wanted to slow down your pain.
Mostly... I wanted to slow down time and stop us so we had time to figure out who we were together instead of damaging each other apart.

It took a lot of rage and self loathing.
It took a lot of tears and anxiety.
But I'm finally standing taller than ever and I can easily say it was not my self esteem that made us incompatible.

Got no soul,
Don't need to hide my face.
From the bottom of the barrel
Is where you'll find my trace.

Never seen the light,
Never wanted to hurt my eyes.
Better off sticking to the dark I know

I'd say the shadows,
But thats too mainstream.
Dark depths of your deep desires
Is where I feed.

And then she asked
with a profound curiosity
something so unraveling
if i ever wanted to get better
i mean
if i truly wanted to get out
of this hell i became
to myself
and others
she asked with a disguised will to
pull me back up
from the black hole i'm in
but i was and i am
so buried
deep into this hole
that all i could do
was say "yes"
and i know,
and god knows
and everyone knows
that in that very moment
i told the biggest lie
i could ever tell anyone.