I never went all in
Just stuck to the small stakes
Kept my bad habits running
Even when I felt destroyed
Like a car running without brakes
I don’t know if its only you or a selected few
Maybe some of the **** I didn’t see through
And
I don’t know if I lacked compassion for all of my partners,
Or everyone I ever knew
But I feel stuck when I’m awake
Running when I’m asleep
The hill I need to climb to get back to myself
Feels way too steep
And while I’m waiting for the final break
Maybe I’m already in too deep
I feel addicted to heartache
Because I can’t let go of this heartbreak
Please just fall asleep

we meet in the lights
we dance all night
we meet in the chaos
grabbing me tight
we meet in the crowd
i enjoy the ride
kissing you stranger
never felt so right
feeling this way
i love how you make me feel
no boundaries for you
do what you do
touch me like you do
marking what's yours
against the doors
i have to leave
please believe
you ask to see me
i know what you want
well then
another story unfold
fits in a page
only to think about
quick feeling it is

Soon but not today
A mantra I leave tied around my neck
  for safe keeping
The knot is double tied for permanence or
I forgot how to tie any other types of knots
There are big waves in the Sound
  and bigger still in Nazaré
If I could surf, I don’t think I’d want to
My swimming was left underdeveloped like
  the way this place used to look
a few centuries back
My brain has grown accustomed to melancholy
  and strokes it like a Cheshire Cat on its lap
The cat looks for Alice in the mouse traps
  because he’s lazy
He knows the story’s ending soon,
   but not today

Dear God,
I don’t come here much and maybe it’s too late.
But I can’t carry this silence anymore.

I obsess over the smallest things
until they grow teeth and tear at my mind.
I should be living, enjoying,
but instead I choose the comfort of hanging by threads,
watching my self-worth burn and calling it home.

I pretend I don’t care what anyone thinks,
but that’s the farthest thing from the truth.
I care so much it hurts
and yet my pride locks my mouth shut.

Please fix me.
Because I don’t know who I’ll be if I’m happy and that terrifies me more than the pain I live in.
Happiness feels wrong in my skin,
like I’m wearing someone else’s life.

I have memories I won’t speak of.
Traumas that claw at my sleep.
People I avoid,
family I can’t face.
Words I wish I could take back.
Things I’ve done to others,
things I’ve done to myself,
and parts of me I am not ready to repair.

I’ll admit I’m lonely,
but I won’t admit I need help.
I am losing hope,
and before I do something I can’t undo
please, God
Teach me to live,
to live for real.
Not just to survive.
Not just to exist.

As always, when no one's awake,
my thoughts begin to eat me alive.
When I’m weakest—
when no one's watching—
I finally break down.

My eyes bleed
until sorrow drains from my face,
leaving nothing left to see.

My heart sinks
a little deeper each time
into a dark, hollow space
no one could ever reach.

There, my sorrows feast on me
second by second—
yet somehow, I’m still here.

No liquor strong enough
to keep me from drowning.
I walk into
a never-ending darkness,

awake—
in flesh,
adrift in shadow.

Ripped jeans,
Stripped means,
Why is it you want me
But only in the evening

I dress up I play nice
I smile wide, my lips say "sure"
But you bend my spine a little more
Is this living, or is it war?
And what am I even fighting for?

Am I just the price tag for love?
A discount in the corner of the store,
The half-off story of love you never pay the price for?

But now no more,
No more half-love store
No more spark to take-
When the lights are low

Enough of your mouth-
Whispering your empty heart
I'm no longer your midnight show
The use of my skin you always tore,
I don't want the 'maybes' anymore.

I'm done being the puppet,
Put on the shelf, with a disguise
Not really a lover but not a stranger
I'll take what mine, I'll speak my truth
And from here on out
I am the only one dependent of my mood.

Stuck in my own thoughts
All alone
The darkness swallows me
As a whole

I'm tired.
Tired of
The same draining thoughts
Tired of
The same back and forth
Hatred then compassion
Tired of
Knowing what's right
And still doing what's wrong
Tired of
Beating myself up
For what's out of my control
Tired of
Mistaking clouds
As bad omens
Tired of
Telling myself it's okay
Just relax, you're okay
I'm tired of
Not writing poems
To make myself feel better

I'm just
tired.
So I guess I'll sleep.

I smile
and I laugh
but quietly I mourn who I used to be

I joke
and I check in on you
but quietly
I'm losing sight of who I used to be

In moments of mental clarity
I can say maybe it's just in my head

But the past few days
in the dead of night
I constantly wonder if I'll really be alright

It feels like something is broken inside

I constantly wonder if I'll really be alright