My words came out wrong last night
"I'm sorry" doesn't quite convey
How I wish could take it back
Find some other thing to say

I know I do not deserve your love
Compassion of any kind
I just wanted to tell you
Without your voice I'm losing my mind

I am fueled by only four hours of sleep
Chaos in my head
Replaying the unrelenting scene
Laid awake for ages in my bed

Wondering what you thought about
I watched evening turn to light
What could I possibly do
To make up with you and make it right?

A sincere apology is not enough
Fix everything that I do wrong
Owe you so much more than that
For being and keeping me strong

I am almost ready to give up for good
Accept I will never be understood
Obviously there are not words to explain
I'm so ****** up inside my brain
And if I could describe the problem you don't care
You made it evident you loathe the poetry I share
I read them to reach to you as a means to express
The emotions I have no other way to confess
It makes not a difference which words I use
The last thing you want is to walk in my shoes
I am tired of bothering your shoulders with the weight
Of issues and making you participate
I am done forcing you to let me in
This is the last poem I'll read to you and it's to inform you win
You don't want to know my love or who I truly am
No amount of pleading makes you give a ****
If you were in the gallery of reasons behind
Irrational behavior you'd look and find
But you do not wish to know me or me to know you
I beg you to stop pretending you want to
Because watching you willingly choose to spend
Time you can apart from me makes me want to end
Not understanding why I want to be with someone
Constantly letting me know how worthless I've become
I am not saying you're wrong
I'm just letting you know
If nothing changes
I will have to go
I will still write poems
But alone I will deal
NEVER AGAIN will you have the burden of listening to how I feel

I am sorry for ways I've treated you bad
It was myself
Not you
Making me mad

Over my rage have no control
You suffer unfairly for the darkness in my soul

I do not mean to take out my insecurity
On anyone else
It can be too much for me

Sometimes I am bothered to the point where I snap
In black and blues paint on my thighs a detailed map

So everyone sees how I got to where I am
Somewhere between point A and point B stopped giving a ****

On my flesh insanity artistically explained
Story written myself not in shades of ink
But pain

Come closer so maybe you read and undestand
My efforts did not work out as planned

I do not have what it takes to improve
Instead of striving I hardly move

Trying to make your problems less difficult than they are
Another layer to the puzzle already too hard

I do my best
Hold my tongue instead of cuss and yell
No words could convey why  being with you is hell

I do not get my irrational emotions either
I try to calm myself
You won't let me take a breather

Because you are convinced I will do my health harm
Do it for me accidentally with restraining arms

I vainly attempt to maintain my composure
You start flinching and it's all over

If you say I am crazy
Crazy is what you'll get
How you speak about me makes me upset

When I work my *** off
Be perfect and chill
Make me out to be a psychopath still

Your idea of me clearly set in stone
You only are with me because you fear being alone

I am writing my thoughts as if it will matter
You won't read between lines scattered

It is easier for you to act as if it's all in my head
I have no reason to ache and should be satisfied instead

You may be right about mental state and such
I only flip out because I care way too much

You cannot create more passion than you actually feel
Quit deceiving both of us and for once be REAL

Your love for me the only thing of which I have no doubt
It is all the other ******* I am unsure about

If I am your best friend won't you confide?
Closeness we used to share must have died

Or maybe made that part up as well
So confused at this point can no longer tell

To avoid your displeasure try to be tough
It literally kills me knowing I'll never be enough

Do not ask me why I'm sniffling from now on
There exists no right answer because each is wrong

I am the reason behind everlasting pain
It really doesn't make sense to complain

I just wish knew why you manipulate and lie
Say you just want my happiness then do things that make me cry

Be honest
I don't supply what you need
Don't expect commitment if you can't return the deed

I am losing my mind
You're slipping away
If you know what is good for you you won't bother to stay

You own every single piece of me
Every part
The only one with all of my heart

I have given everything I have to you within my core
I still feel as if I should have given so much more

Because you deserve sun to never set or say goodbye
Deserve not the moon or stars but the whole entire sky

The love you have shown since the day we met
An unrecipricable gift for which i will forever be in debt

There are no words to express depth of my gratitude
Sure you have no clue cause of my constantly bad mood

As hard as I try being someone worthy of your caress
Each tense day that passes you like me less and less

I cannot blame you for dwindling adoration
Hard cherishing a girl who voices no appreciation

I have noticed the difference in behavior for awhile
Remain unable to coax out your smile

I lost the ability to conjure your laughter
It's vanished along with happy-ever-after

The years spent making love feel like a dream
Unsure if I am remembering wrong
Was it as amazing as to me it seems?

Gone are moments we were free from fear and cares
Happy as long as the other was there

Now all we do
Argue and fight
Pretty sure you're starting to get sick of my sight

I leave marks on surface of your magnificent skin
Drawing blood out
You won't let me in

Scratching hopes I'll somehow break through
If I dig my nails deep enough I'll get to the real you

I do not want to hurt you but I can't seem to stop
The things you say leave my head spinning like a top

I have explained before you have nothing from me to hide
The sole element I need is for you to let me inside

You have never given me a full chance to be understanding
In the past I was strict and demanding

But that was back before I knew what forever was like
Sweat and shake when those withdrawals strike

You have seen me change so drastically
Over time
I'm not even the same me

And even when I would express aggravation
Forgave each mistake without hesitation

For I had known certainly you were "The One"
Locked eyes and right there my search was done

Our romance has survived lots of ups and downs
Used to wear mostly smiles but they've switched to frowns

I am the reason why it's difficult to get along
Finally realized it's me who's in the wrong

For so long pride has rendered me blind
Justifying words no matter how unkind

For every hurtful action came up with an excuse
Truly believed you deserved the abuse

For damage you did and the lies you told
That doesn't give me the right to act cold

You have served your sentence:
A year spent on your own
A prison I built and left you in alone

As punishment for tears you made me cry
Slowly breaking my heart
Not telling me why

For the fraction of life I wasted in chains
I washed different parts of myself down the drain

But wasn't you drowning my sorrows
Hand pouring remorse on not just today but all tomorrows

Haunted unforgettable pain
Memory of what no longer remained

I attempted to seal sadness within
No one got a glimpse of the agony within

I was sure would eventually go away
I ignored the ache and pushed through it each day

But the longer I pretended was just fine
Crazier it drove me knowing you weren't mine

Tortured by the fact was the one who chose to leave
To deceieve myself thinking you would change was plain naive

But truly believed you were ready to be done
It came as a surprise when after me you didnt run

I assume it is because i acted like I moved on
Too wounded to let witness my distress with you gone

Determined to never go through same ordeal twice
Trusting nature i was forced to ultimately sacrifice

I put up walls
Blocked ricocheting echoes of  your voice
That's not all I barricaded out with my choice

In order to be unshackled from terrible fear
Hope and happiness also had to disappear

Solitude was total freedom at first
That relief quickly turned into a curse

I noticed resolve diminishing bit by bit
Something missing from my world and you were it

I yearned for moments of comfort and bliss
Magic contained in your enchanting kiss

Irresistible drawn to despite what you lacked
Caved and despite my instinct took you back

No one else could possibly make me feel the way you do
I accepted a relationship where my heart stays torn in two

But problem is we've had too much room to grow
Into people hardly recognize but know

I am still Amanda and you are still Paul
Infatuation has not wavered at all

But I have grown bitter
Full of anger
Who is responsible for morphing me into a stranger?

A glance in the mirror shows a twisted reflection
I can't pinpoint the exact imperfection

I feel ugly and unworthy of love
Far away from my image I forcefully shove

Why do you tolerate violence and greif?
Patient when in return offer no relief

If you saw the picture I've become you'd depart
Before once again I leave pits on your heart

You hold me in devoted embrace
Piercing with the fearful expression on your face

You love me (at least promise you do)
I cannot fully trust though I try to

I cannot comprehend a single trait you see
I am a screaming mess and you stick around me

You are a miracle that through darkest hours shone
Truthfully very best guy I have ever known