It starts
In the pit of my stomach

Roiling raging roaring

Noxious
Overtaking thought-stragglers
Forgotten words
And half-remembered smiles
That stumbled too slowly
Down the road to Rational
And It swallowed them whole
Before slithering forward
Searching for prey

It feeds
In the depths of my conscious

Eclipsing encircling engorging

Bittersweet
Splish-splash-splattering
Viscous globules of poison
And turning the knobs beneath
My television-eyes
Until everything around her
Is of the deepest green

It beats
A pulse beneath every word I speak

Replaying recreating reminding

Me
Of every word and move
She makes
Her hands on his shoulder
Her voice in his ear

It paints
Her

In shades of
Emerald-forest-field
Until her skin
Matches It

And to me
She is the color of the
Lime-green curtains
In our window and
I cannot see her
Through the verdant haze
Or speak because
My voice gives me away
Every time

As

It consumes
My thoughts

Instigating infuriating

Little red ant
Crawls over my heart
Hiding from
Rationality
In a cloud of olive-dust

Little blood-spark

Sticking stabbing stinging

My bitten tongue

Longs to be set free
From Rational
Longs to be controlled
By It
Longs to ask her
Why exactly she’s

Playing performing pretending

Not to know
When she should
That he’s

Not hers...


He’s mine.

written November 5, 2014

"I get jealous of your ex lovers
But, I have to remember X is just a number
You see, in math that's all we do
We factor out every situation until we find the solution -
X

But, just like the fed up kid in the back row who screams out, 'Miss, when are we going to use this in real life?!' and she stutters on an answer
X is just a number, not an answer to your solutions

I keep thinking about her face on your woman crush Wednesday
How am I so crushed knowing she once was the apple of your eye when I don't even know the girl?
Much less, know you..

Met on an app called Tinder
Yet you hinder the strings pull me in so tightly with your sweet and kind demeanor
It's not right of me to be jealous - when you give me all of your attention

I need to be grateful
For I am the one you're up all night texting
And the one who's on your mind when you fall into your lonely bed at night
And she's just a forgotten face remaining on your Instagram page"

Yes, you out there wherever you may be
You try to steal our souls in poems
We know you, to the tee

What twisted motives to be us, by proxy, what cowardess you be
What an empty vessel posses you, such sadness, such despair
You pick our hard imagined fruit and not from your own tree

You clone our minds, like leaches on our skin
You wish us harm, you thieving ***
You wormy monster, a slug, next to kin

I curse you
I loath you
I hate you
You stealers of our youth
Betrayers of our written souls
What lacks is pride, and owners of the truth

She said she wouldn't date him
because she knew how I still felt
and she thought
"What kind of a friend would that make me?
I wouldn't want to do that to you."
Yet here I sat, thinking
What kind of a friend does that make me?
Holding her back from being with a guy
who she cares about a lot
just because I want him
when he wants her and not me.
Envy is one of the seven deadly sins
and baby, I'm gonna die green.

The worst kind of jelousy is the one you have to keep.
Swallow all the anger, like a poison burning in.
Here's a tip:
To keep the tears from falling down inhale very deep and many times.
With my hands so hard in a fist that my own nails are hurting me,
and knowing I can't let it all out because you are not mine.
The hardest part is that everytime you are with her
I have to fake a smile and say "I'm fine".

She dreams in scarlet, of far away lands;
Of heroes muscled, impeccably dressed.
She dreams of a charming Renaissance's man,
and murmurs sweet nothings into my chest.
Her perfect lips quiver; red as her face.

Fan blades mock me as I stare into space.

She dreams of torn bedposts with shattered frames,
Broken by passion released uncontrolled.
She moans in her sleep and whispers a name.
My lips start to quiver, matching her own.
That name gifts my ears such discordant tones.

Were I its owner, my heart might be whole.

Slowly, my pulse commences to waver.
I ask, fearing what answers might portend..

                         If I were to move, perchance to wake her,
                         would she regret her dulcet dreaming's end?

I especially love Ex's when they're in one another's presence. The chemistry is still there; just have to apply the energy