broken promises and chapped lips,
taste of rebellion and tears shed from missing home.
when I think back on the 20th year of my life all of these things and more come to mind.
what a year it has been, I can barely recognize myself when I first turned 20.
how was I to know this year would take me on such a crazy ride marked by a few major things.
first off-the dingy carnival lights that glistened in his deceiving blue eyes.
lesson learned: people will say and do anything for certain things that most certainly aren't in your best interest.
secondly- the harsh realization of what it really feels like to be all alone (independence is hard)
lesson learned: you never are truly all alone; even if physically nobody else is around, loved ones are only a call/text away to cure the feeling.
thirdly- it's hard sometimes, real real hard to love yourself when you feel as though people from your past have suggested that you're essentially impossible to like, let alone love.
lesson learned: when you are unsure of your own worth your heart often stumbles into the wrong hands which isn't your fault BUT with the right amount of self love- your heart will not fall or stumble but will be placed in the right hands. (I promise)
and lastly-
I learned that life stops for nobody.
It's ok to dance like a complete fool and if people judge, then cool.
we aren't going to be around forever
and essentially people's opinions
are little blips of information that
mean nothing.
i'm sure I'll forget this advice a few times once I turn 21 and onward,
which is why I've written this poem.

(Happy 21st to me- stay strong)

the christmas lights glisten
as your eyes once did.
i want to be more vibrant and bright
than the lights,
but it appears that when you left-
you stripped my world of color.

now you're just a shade of grey
that still consumes my thoughts.
i know you don't care,but:
I've figured out ways to color in the vibrancy and brightness of my life
that fortunately for me doesn't involve YOU.

Gosh, this silence kills me.
Call me crazy but I can perfectly hear faint whispers of all my past mistakes.
****--I keep reminding myself that my past doesn't define me.
Surely, the past that I am not fond of was a consequence of a ghost.
That ghost was and is me but not the better version of me that is attempting desperately to stop ******* up.
I am forced to live with all ghosts of myself whether I fess up to them or not.
Somebody please save me from what I am becoming, I'm so scared.
I don't know what happened-- I swear not too long ago I was a not well understood, ***** 17 year old.
Then, ugh. Man, life suddenly hits hard and it *****.
I want to go back in time- before I knew you existed, before my heart felt so heavy, before I was so bored that I would run back to anyone not to be lonely.
Speaking of loneliness: This cold, sickening late May Chicago weather makes me wish I wasn't so alone.
Seems impossible that my life is going to fall into place at this point.
Not trying to be dramatic- just don't know how to not let the people haunting me in my past affect my relationships with others I have yet to encounter.
I wish I could go back in time to my old self and hold my hand.
My last wish is impossible of course, yet I can pretend.
So here I go pretending I know everything and I'm just going to say this once and for all..............ITS OK.


I think.

She wakes up and doesn't recognize herself. Of course she sees herself on the outside in the mirror but doesn't know who this person is anymore. From the time she opens one eye in the morning, anxiety provoking thoughts flood her brain. Where will I be in 3 months from now? What school offers the best personal college experience for me? How will not living in this town actually benefit me? Will I have enough money saved? What happens if I never land a career?  Her thoughts are all over the place as is she. Unsure of what she will do for the day to help distract her, she takes comfort in reading poetry of others. It is through other peoples written word that she remembers it is ok to not have everything figured out yet.

When the night is clear and cold
and the stars poke through
the pine branches
hold yourself closer and block out the wind
and grip my hand tighter in the dark
I'll keep you safe
from a startled deer
In evenings shade

I dont ever wanna make you feal like u werent enuff for me
Im Stuck on beats eternaly searching deep for the love beneath
Something keeps calling me no apologies follow me
Accept all of me maybe take the fall for me this wall is weak lets break it down with an ice pick
Lets reshape the crown for ur highness
Excape the crowd till u cant find us
We keep these scars too remind us dont fall 4 their blind trust
spine crushed without ur divine touch
Im done

But ready too start again in no time
A ghost writes my lyrics while u borrow ghost rights the game is so grimes you'll go blind


from staring up at the sun shine
One mic is all that is needed too become prime one time for my second hand addicts right winged savages on automatic why panic when u feal gigantic walking around on my ghost planet taking no damage
U wont manage acting so frantic
Invoked madness

In every pesant and vagrant
Becuz my essence is sacred
With every sentence connected
This headtrips defective im restless not connected infested the surface on purpose im wreckless confessions of an mcs lost sessions hoping that u.got questions im not stressing
These thoughts are weapons
Mic checking u too death your less im more when I press record check the cords before making a.mess on the floor opening the store knowing that youll receive more

I.dont wanna let u in
Your like toxic oxygen

Its ok. Its the end my friend
Lets runaway pretend
im here again
X3