prone to narcolepsy;
a second thought, like -
a can of pepsi.
sold my peace for
a moment’s notice;
for the panic that utters -
‘you better not blow this!’

i sulk, i cry, i moan… it rains -
the clouds pull closer to
the gravity of my pain;
the birds find shelter at
the neighbour’s windowpane -
they leave me to dry in a room -
terrified, and insane.

i can feel the bed
warming up to my shape;
there’s a stain on the pillow
that reeks of sour grapes -
i try to rub it off,
but give in to my human make:
i curse the neighbour’s birds -
through a ****
on the moss-green drapes.

i hope it’s worth it:
all the trials, and the errors.
i long for a night,
devoid of terror -
so i may sing for a while,
with nothing to lose;
‘to be, or not to be’ -
left to me - to choose.

there will never be the time so can i say something hurtful
can i sink my hand into your chest do i even have the power
like you would ever say
but i want to never see you again i want the notifications to stack i want to live a different life and i wonder if my doctor would agree and i wonder if youd just let it happen and if that would make it better make it easy if you could just never
i just want to say it i just want to say it
is this as good as it is going to get
should i quit while im ahead
as if i was ever anything but two blocks behind at least i was always looking forwards but the trouble is i never looked both ways so what is all of this even worth when my body has become my grave

I have ten tiny candy hearts
Each one on one
Balanced in the air
Crocodiles teeth rot
They cry and sob in tears
They make the river salty
Complaining of no more candy
I watch and shake my head
The deals that must be made
Require no more candy
As i climb down off the ledge

Constrained positivity
Strained face and eyes
Borne tears of yours, but happy too
You confuse me
You delude me
Always tension in the air
But I’ve learned to breathe fine.
Any utopian thought I’ve made
Quickly gets drenched in fire
When I trip, or laugh weirdly
My world becomes unbalanced
By those ricocheting laughs
And their closed minded anthem
“Clumsy *** Carter, clumsy..”
To this day I hear it in the beat of music
Or the rhythm of the church bells
Most recently, the thump thumping of my heart
Locked away sealed inside,
Charismatic trumpets crafted with pride
Delivered isolation
And paranoic concentration
Don’t trip
Don’t put myself in awkward positions
Don’t.

So now when I see you cry
I can’t help but feel..
Nothing.
No empathy left for you
Or myself.

It’s my closed minded anthem now
Let it consume your life.

i am an inside child,
handles are red-hot
doors terrify me with
screams only i hear if i dare
breathe the fresh air
of scary eyes i am afraid.
mom, why am i not
normal why am i stuck
inside why am i a
hikikomori who
hides why do i cry if i try to
go outside?