Who am I,
I don’t know anymore,
I lost myself long ago.
I lost pieces of myself,
In those inner landscapes.
I’m struggling to find the pieces,
I can’t remember their names.

I forgot how I got here.
Where do I go from here?

I’ve been,
Crawling,
Down on the dirt,
On my abdomen.
Searching,
For a tree,
To hang from,
To set the butterfly free.

This skin I wear,
Encases me,
When I’ve molted,
I will be free.
I will wiggle off the confounds,
Of bone and flesh,
Of space and time,
And of birth and death.

I was once,
A baby larva.
Eating my birth leaf.
I was so small and hungry then,
But I have eaten enough now.
It’s time to harden,
This old soft skin.

When I pass,
Through this knot,
In the infinite,
Line of life.
I will squirm out of my biology,
Taking on a whole new body.
That’s beyond all senses,
Beyond our limitations,
Beyond our imaginations!

Butterfly!
You call to me!
Butterfly!
You will be free!
Your time has come,
You have been waiting,
For this moment,
To break out!

That inner beauty is shining through,
Becoming that apparatus that moves you!
Listen to the rhythm of the beating butterfly wings!

Am I,
Just an isolated ray of sunshine,
Or am I,
The one behind the sun?
Am I,
Just some burden for light to bare,
Or am I,
The one who will bare the light?
Am I,
Just some insignificant speck,
On a spinning ball?
Or am I,
Something so much more?

I tricked myself so long ago,
Thought I was nothing more,
Than a worm on a tree,
Stuck to the a sphere,
Spinning out to nowhere.
This body is just an egg,
That encapsulates me,
Soon it will hatch,
And I will be free.

We are all larva,
We all have a butterfly.
Come and crawl with me,
Get down on your abdomen,
We are going to find a tree,
To hang from upside down,
And set the butterfly free.

she stands there,
wind through her hair,
dazed and unaware,
numb and hopeless,
a broken goddess.

she stands there
waiting for time
to fade her away
into the dark, cold night.

I stand, move,
dance, cry,
balance, love and
celebrate
inside INTERNAL world
with purpose...
to reflect outward
thusly
my EXTERNAL world changes
to whisper
IN grand song.

Everything’s crashing down on me,
Breaking
Sometimes softly but
I can still feel it,
I breathe it in and out
Everyday,
While I’m still not understanding
What am I supposed to do with it,
I don’t feel like coping,
I don’t feel like writing
And I don’t want to tell.

Everything’s spinning around in circles in my head
And it’s a dark place where the light still exists anyway,
They say I see in black and white,
Without reason for the black while I don’t get why there’s any light,
Because it only sends me into darkness.

Am I supposed to make this
Beautiful?
I feel like I need a rest,
I feel like I want to hide from everything that could evoke a potential thought.
Maybe they are winning, I don’t feel like I am.

Wasting, running out of people to leave me,
I don’t want anymore.
And even those I love make me selfishly feel sad,
All because I know I should be happy for them,
What if they become as messed up as me one day?
I think my soul will fade away.

You have every right to desire it            
             You are selfish for accepting it
Let them take care of you                        
               They should not be bothered
It's okay to be vulnerable                        
                  Dependence is for the weak
Life did not go easy on you                     
               Stop fussing over everything
You are doing the best you can              
               You are nothing but a failure
Be kind to yourself                                   
                                  S-u-c-k it up loser

09/01/2019