i never seem
to be able to

to be able to
be
accepted

to be able to
belong

but
fitting in
is

different than
belonging


molding yourself
Into the
neatly
labelled
boxes
life sets out for us

to fit in


becoming what people want from you

hiding your
true self.
hiding behind a mask

hiding yourself

fitting in.

i see your eyes in the mirror
the same icy blue
i hear your voice when i speak
and yell
but now i feel the words hit me
and bounce off
                           "the apple never falls far"
                           "you're just like me"
no
i will never be
we may share a face,
and may have the same last name,
but we will never be the same

i will never be you
i refuse

i slip
          under the ice

i bang on the surface
                              and yell

no one hears
                   my cries
                                  for help

the air leaves my lungs

                  “why should i try?

                                                  if no one cares”

i slip
                              under the surface

        the breath

                   choked out

                                                of my lungs

falling

          freezing

                      floodin­g

                                   engulfing

overwhelming

farewell,

o

cruel


world

flying
higher
and
higher
floating
fluttering
above the world
then
torn down
by reality
but this time
i'll never
wake
up

dreams
crows
and corvids
perched on
gravestones
running
faster
until takeoff
sprouting
seeds
trees growing

i would fly
soar
above the world
if i could
just keep from waking up

why must we be
limited
by this creature
we call home?

why do we have to
settle for what
this can do?

why must we go through
so
much
to feel happy?

why do we have to
exist
at all?

why can't we just
go and live
in our dreams?

why do we have to
wake up?

why can't we keep
dreaming?

why can't i just
                        cease to exist
     i don't want to die
                                 i just don't want to live anymore
because it's just so hard
                                  there are
                thousands of people who want me dead
    but i don't
             i just don't feel like living anymore
because it hurts
SO MUCH
           maybe
                                            i shouldn't
    keep
                        going
                ­                         just lie down
                                         and give up

yelling
screaming
numb
numb
numb
the thread broke
now its not the voices telling me to
**** myself
its

me

i lie in my bed at night, as the voices grow louder and louder and louder
consuming everything around me as i press my blanket to my ears, trying, desperately, to block out the noise
i need a distraction
something to take this pain away
the sharp sound of the scissors
blood clots
stabbing pain
scars on my wrists
                   you deserve it you deserve it you deserve it you deserve it  
                             you deserve the pain, the hurt, everything
                  you deserve it
the voices grow louder
                   you deserve it
and louder
                   you deserve it
and louder
there is no escape.
the dark creeps in, infiltrating everything, its teeth bared,
gleaming dark obsidian
and charcoal until it consumes everything
until all you can do is
cut