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Kai Dec 2024
After all those thoughts
Just when I look at those floods
I feel as if I should drown in them
Hidden in the river like a gem

Maybe I should act on my thoughts
Maybe I should act on people's words
They know that we had no droughts lately
Yet they tell me “drown in a river"
They tell me “end it all"
“**** yourself"
“I hope you die"
"jump off a cliff/bridge”
Just maybe
I should do it

Obviously
People just don't want me in this world
People obviously think of me as a burden
As a useless kid
A naive child that they can just use
But if course
I'm just too sensitive
I'll never understand anything

If I don't do it
I may as well punish myself
Like I have been
But worse
Not eating for days
Restraining myself from usually behavior
Letting everyone get a taste of a bland personality
As if I were on my anti-depressants that I haven't taken for months
Let others choke me
Let others help me in my self-destruction
Abuse me
Assault me
Do whatever you want to me
I don't care

Just maybe
I'm just the true sigma male that has a delightful cliff waiting for him
dee Dec 2024
I created a finger-painted world that revolves around you.

and after every 5th orbit the world, I built stopped.

I drew out possibilities of us that would never touch the present.

and after my mind could not be sharpened anymore, I could not draw out any more futures.

but instead, I wrote out what could have been.

I wrote poems, letters, books, journals...but while we ended my pieces did not.

My art still lives, and the patterns are dulling.

What is an artist to do with no muse, I drown in all of my pieces, each canvas, each blank space, each untouched page.

I tossed away paint brushes, pencils, unused ink, my creativity held nothing but dejection with each reminder.

I cannot write anymore.

I am not able to create, and writer's block is the least I can say.

and I snap my feet and I click my hands, and you're still not back again.

I put one in the air and paint myself every shade of blue and outline myself despondent.

and I remember the oceans of fluctuations I used to dip myself in and the compliments you left on my head by your lips, but we never kissed.

And the ocean is empty now, there's nothing to dip myself in, I am an artist who is blue with no muse.

and I'm left in a room of with every piece I ever created spiraling around me.

I sit and feel every color of emotion I ever painted out, I let the hues consume me.

I let the tones take me as I am.

As I put so much life into my creations and I watch my own emotions dance on the page

I think of the muse who inspired me to do so, my muse who is not here to drop inspiration.

My muse who changes the color of my soul.

My muse who I grieve, who's not dead, but isn't here anymore.

What is an artist to do without her muse.
i bought a new paintbrush.
Aleeche Dec 2024
Some days i still love this girl,
I cant stop that ******* whirl;

I have ignored, rebuttled, analysed and rejected,
Any such thought that expelled love suspected,

I have slept, avoided, attacked and awoken,
Yet nothing can succeed in making that entity broken.

It’s not that i love her, in the same way that i did,
but the memory created wont keep on its lid,

and now unequivocally, we are never going to happen,
so i rationalise repeatedly, but the feeling doesn’t lessen.

It changes and it molds;
Reaping the left-behind-cold,
Knowing existing is incorrect,
Knowing it will never actually connect.

Then other days, i dont feel this insurrection.
I cant imagine her even existing in that section.

Yes she is still complicated, wild and free
And in my brain i know we’ll never be,
But it doesn’t disastrously disarm me
Or actually even silence the way i see

Not any more, not so dramatically.

It becomes like a memory,
The happy, the hurt, her heart,

It becomes like a memory,
All that uncertainty at the start

It becomes like a memory,
My refusal to explore the friendship sacrifition

It becomes like a memory,
When I thought I would ever opt into admission

My poetry will keep being written,
The idea came originally from her
And that is something I will take with me,
That’s one thing I know for sure.

I will love her forever,
Not in the same strong way,
but she was my first true love
She’ll be that til the end of my days
my first poem on here :) i tend to use a lot of neologisms and spelling + punctuation are out the window.  Hope someone can relate anyways, enjoy <3

I wrote this a few months ago and much has changed since but we are still not together and that truly “doesn’t disastrously disarm me” anymore, weirdly enough. Time is healing, but i also had the chance to be in her situation, also eye-opening.
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