When I touch my arms I can’t feel them anymore
Of course I have arms and can feel the jaggedness of my skin and the soft texture of hair
But when I touch myself it never feels real
It’s a mental fixation within my brain
That tells me each and everyday that I do not exist in a world that feels so conscious to me
Everyone seems to have it figured out
What they like, what they love
hate and despise
Everyone has their lives in boxes
And I can’t remember what’s in mine
It feels so pointless as I write this poem
Who will read it?
When I’m all alone
I don’t feel my presence and I don’t feel seen
It’s funny when you didn’t cut, but you still feel the bleed
And people ask “why do you bleed?”
My response is “I tripped as I crossed that street.”
They don’t question, because I tend to make mistakes
They are what got me here in the first place
So maybe if I let that kitchen knife go that deep, or if that lady kept typing on her phone as she almost hit me in the passenger seat
If mom used protection instead of wanting it between her legs at just nineteen
I don’t know how to stay, but I’m too scared to leave
So I just keep bleeding

A boy
Lives inside me
Beneath my skin that I paint with foundation, blush and dresses made of linen
He climbs my thoughts like tree branches and screams as loud as a lion
He watches in wonder as I trace my lips with liner and spray flowery scents on my arms, neck and face
He cries as men look at my figure and shout that they want a taste
As the boy I thought I loved touched me anyway
In places he doesn't even know how to say
The little boy goes back to a long time ago
When he was in a spotlight and was told to go
"There's no room for a boy when god chose you to be a girl"
So he lives inside of me
Watching me grow into the "women" I am
But he will always be there
Rolling around and being a lion

stheyre goingto find me
thosefeelingsi tried to leavebehing but theyy sswoulndt leave me.

theywalk beside me in thesunlgith sheileding their eyes
and in the darktheysmile stroking my hair

sayingyou;re n o t e n o u g h enunciating eachwordhisssssing
whispers

never ever ever enough youcould ne v  e   r be en o ugh
too much at the same timg like please picka ******* feeling

shes an oldfriend thistype oflonliness
i know her well
.

I hope I feel what you feel when you found your dream.
I wonder why you found yours, while I can’t even find mine.
I want to steal your goals — but that’s not the kind of person I can be.

I dream of being a soldier, but the darkness inside holds me back.
Taking lives isn’t in me, yet I still want to chase that dream.
Sometimes, I feel left out — even in my own world.

There’s a deep wound in my chest — that feels impossible to heals.
I want to become the person I see in my dreams but I can even stand on my own.
Life feels strange, like I’m already gone.
I’m alive in flesh but dead in soul.
Didn't  think I can stand on my own two feet.
I need support — but I hate needing anyone.
Suffering in silence is safer than suffering with you because your just a human so you can judge me too.
I don’t think I can live with you — even for a week because I feel my body getting weak.

Shooting stars shine bright
while they fly through the cosmos
ascending to the highest heights

But all that goes up goes down
And the highest pay the biggest price
For as they once had glory, and world-wide renown
Now they have only fragments of the perfect life

Crashing down forgotten,
spiralling away
Our bodies with sickness rotten
our minds withering with decay

There is bit one thing that can save us
One thing between us and the noose and rope
The brightest shining star of all:

☆Hope☆

i wish you'd write back to me 7.19.25 5:39 pm /17:39
oh, -------,
sometimes i wish you would write a letter back to me.

sometimes i wish you would log onto your old macbook
instinctively go to hellopoetry.com
type in my ariana grande username
find me and my words
find it, these lost sentences,
these trembling letters
i've been trying to send you.

i see why you don't-
the fear that maybe,
one day,
we will wake up and realize we don't love each other
that we don't know each other like we think
we do.

i haven't sent you a letter
because i don't want you to know but i want you to know
that i love you
but what if, what if, what if
one day i don't?

the uncertainty of being not torn apart
but drifting
finding someone new and
figuring out ourselves, finally,
finding that we don't need each other anymore.

of course that's not why you love me
or why i love you

i get that
i get that fear.

but you are not afraid
because you don't even know
that this whole time

i have been screaming
your name.

why? 7.17.25 (6:02 pm / 18:02)
why couldn't i tell what that feeling was?
why, when it should have been really ******* obvious?

why, when i could have saved myself so many tears
and sleepless nights
and blood and thoughts and making my home in a dark corner
telling myself i always wasn't enough

too much ugly unloved
unwanted an outsider
never understood or maybe understood too much
i told myself no one ever cared

why

why?
it's because i was happy
and i thought i didn't deserve it

and now i've thrown away that chance

[playing: fearless by taylor swift]

for you 7.7.25 (8:02 pm / 20:02)
i don't want to stay here

though i could
right?












but if you said

"for me?"


















of course i would.

7.6.25 (10:42 am / 10:42)
ariane.
all those lunches throughout the school year,
do you remember?
not just the two of us,
but somehow that still.

like the day of the dance-
i let you borrow my floral vintage dress,
and we all tried it on at our lunch table.

when i think of you,
i think of the way you twirled
and how the skirts flew in the air
and oh
how you laughed

at the dance we all posed for photos
looking at the camera
our mouths lip-gossed and pouting.
but my eyes always strayed back to you
and in one polaroid,
i’m smiling.

this is what i’ve been trying to tell you.

** m

every possibility 5.19.25 (7:55 pm)
if i told you i loved you
what would you do

would you scream at me
how could i ruin this
would you cry
because i’ve been trying to be someone else
would you just sit there
would you hold me
would you tell me bye

in every possibility i have in my head
you don’t love me back
so i know it can’t be possible