I have had a little problem for the last four days or so,
of when I go into the toilet I just can't seem to go.

I get myself all seated just as comfortable as I can,
try to make quite certain I am centred on the pan.

I wait for things to happen but nothing seems to start,
no motions seem to occur not even some hint that I might ****.

I decide to try and push it and build pressure by holding breath,
but all that seems to do is put me close to suffocated death.

I grunt and squeak and gasp until an ear popped gasket blows,
all I end up doing is going red and blowing bubbles with my nose.

I tried a change of diet and drank gallon upon gallon of fruit juice,
but still there seems no evidence that anything is coming loose.

I have tried a change of position with my knees against my chin,
but I found it really awkward and ended up falling in.

My belly has gotten very large and feels as tight as a drum,
so much so I contemplate if you can use a crowbar on your ***.

I am sure outside the toilet they are hearing more than mere moans,
Looks I get quite often suggests surprise I've still got any bones.

I know that sometime eventually this thing will have to pass,
I just hope that when it does I can still use paper on my **.

He gave her ****** a battering,
her stomach a splattering,
then left,
                how flattering.

Someone new came along
and came along
and came and came
and came
and then it fizzled out
like a dodgy firework.
Shame really.

I’d drive down winding mountain roads
in the dead of night.
I’d take an underwater cruise
in a sub that’s not airtight.

I’d be a beekeeper for a while
but never wear a suit.
I’d listen to a nine-year-old,
try to play the flute.

I’d watch the emoji movie
in a room with all my exes.
I’d catch a flight to Idaho
and ******* hop to Texas.

I hope you never see this list
'*** it consists of stuff I’d do
to give myself some time alone
or just away from you.

William and Wilhelmina
smashed their necks together
like big, dumb giraffes.
It was hot,
like the Sahara
and her mascara ran.
He sweated right out of his ******.
They rutted and nutted,
then drank from each other’s
watering holes.

If you were to stab a poet
with intent to really hurt,
would you be at all surprised
when blood begins to spurt?

You wouldn’t see a drop of ink,
that’s not what’s in their veins
despite what teenage “poets” say
with their undeveloped brains.

Beneath the surface,
Russell had always felt worthless.
When finally he gave up
his search for purpose,
he bought, lit, and chucked
himself in a furnace.

He threw her down
to **** her good.
He aimed to give her
all he could.

He pinned her legs
above her head.
He ****** so hard
it rocked the bed.

He pulled her up
and flipped her over.
He climbed back on,
kicked off his loafers.

He yanked her hair
a bit too hard.
And she revoked
his library card.

The moment were surrounded
          by deep breaths of nothingness.

But we swear we
                    can feel it touching our neck..

                               was that you..

                               wait no ones here..
oh' ****...
                                         silence....

I thought to tell a joke to lighten up and bring a smile to the day.
To bring a little laughter and set my words on out to play.

I started with the Englishman, the Irish guy and a Scot.
But someone called me racist so the first line was all they got.

I then started to tell of a woman in the guise of a blonde joke.
But no sooner had I started all the feminists did I provoke.

As I sought to carry on to bring a smile to someone's face.
I found that all types of what was humour today is out of place.

I find that I am judged a racist and even sexist or a homophobe.
And you can no longer laugh at women or talk of **** probe.

You cant talk of a shuttle **** washed up on a Florida beach.
And any joke about the clergy is well and truly out of reach.

I don't think there is a topic that the world finds hilarious anymore.
Unless that is why Trump was elected and what we have him for.