There is always a moment when you pull away from a hug. That is the moment when a kiss would occur, should the situation call for it. It is the moment when only your heads and torsos have pulled away. Your feet stay in place, tucked between each other in a pattern on the ground, and your hands stay where they are, but draped loosely instead of holding on tight. For a breath of time within this moment, you are in middle school. Your date to the dance sways across from you, your hands around her waist and hers around your neck. Neither of you know enough to hold on to each other, this is just how you dance. But you know to hold on now, in this hug. In this moment. There’s nothing you want more than to hold on. To lean in and make something count just a little bit more. The hesitation lasts longer than any breath you’ve held under the surface of a chilly lake in late May. It takes more air than you could win back in a lifetime. Hesitation rules for a synchronized blink of your locked eyes before it pushes them away from each other and your hands lose the grip they finally learned, giving up on what they longed for. Maybe your cheeks are pink. Maybe they’re used to this. And maybe you’re crazy, but you didn’t think you could miss the smell of someone’s spit.

It's a weird kind of lonely I'm feeling.
Like I'm hugged by a dark emptiness, not your arms.

i felt the cold
i felt the warmth
i felt you
we felt us
i am stuck
i was struck
why can't you remember
i need to know wherever
whenever
whichever
however
now that we could be never
be together
i am just hoping
this lingering
can stop
or can you scoop
me
us
both
in
bed
in deep sleep
please keep
me


xoxo

"what do you want your life to look like in the future?"
" i don't know, i honestly don't. i want love i know that. i want happiness. i want a family. i want a husband who loves me, someone who will stay in and drink tea while reading coffee, someone who will always love me and stay by my side no matter what. someone who will know all my crazy stories and know every bit of me, but still learn more about me every single day. i want a small, but loving family. two kids at most, preferably a boy and a girl but i could care less as long as they're happy and healthy. they'll each get their own room in my small wooden white house in a small suburban town. i will have 2 dogs, each born when my 2 children are so they will always have a best friend to grow up with. i  want my children to grow up with parents who show affection, to be a great model of what true love is. i want them to never be afraid to tell me anything. i want a home. i want a home that will be nothing like the one i grew up in."

if I was brave enough id tell you exactly how I feel
"Hey, I like you a lot, like a lot, a lot, maybe even love but I'm not quite sure yet. Don't ask me why because I'm not quite sure yet. Actually scratch that. I know exactly why. you make me feel all these emotions. happy, sad, angry, euphoric. all these feelings I've never felt before, you make me feel. every time I look at you I see and feel colours that don't even exist. seeing your smile makes me smile. the thought of losing you makes me tremble. your hugs send shivers down my spine. i know I barely know you and we haven't known each other but I really, really want you in my life for a long time. yeah, I like you a lot, I get it if you don't feel the same though."
and that is exactly what I'd tell him
I hope i do one day