I fell for it again
So here I am
Laying in bed
Wondering
Why?
Why don't you love me?
Or did you love me at all?
Your love disguised in alibis
ramshackles my mind
I love you more than words could describe
I love you more than this world could understand
I fell for it again
So here I am
Writing you another poem
Feeling like a ghost
As you see right through me
As you walk right pass me
I fell for it again
And I've discovered a theory
I'm not afraid of heights
It's the impact that scares me
I fell for it again
Alessandra, I fell for you again.

Love & hatred gave birth to her
Envy & anger consumed her
Betrayal & jealousy perfumed her
wrapped in a dress made of irony
*Disarrayed strands of hair fell upon her resentful & suffering eyes
She was a complexity of passionate human emotions thrown into disorder
But she was beautiful like the unfurling of scattered cherry blossoms blooming in winter.

I had dinner again at our favorite Japanese ramen restaurant
I sat next to your fading presence and the lucky cat statue
Had the usual ramen noodles, pork broth, spicy miso, and your favorite side dish
Then got drunk off a pitcher, hot sake, and your absence
A crowded room leafed over until
I was the last one to leave
I sat in my car out in the parking lot listening to your favorite acoustic song "I don't mind"
Then clarity opened the passenger door sit and sat next to me
I realized that night, during that moment
That being alone wasn't too bad but I was still completely lost without you

Falling in & out of love with you
Is a lot like walking into a library...

Fleeting thoughts came and went
Like airplanes in airports
As I stay up most nights
Having pillow talks with your cheetah print pillow
speaking of moments, memories, and your saliva stains
From the way you used too drool
on my bedsheets still remain
A funny fossilized idea
I hold dearly
overthinking that one day
I would wake up
And your presence would suddenly exist in the empty space you created
Threads of your autumn hair fall on my face, like crossing vacant corridors through unseen spider webs
And the smell of your favorite French perfume, that I cannot pronounce
disintegrates into the air I breath
And your medium size **** in lace ******* against my crotch in stripe boxers
Never ignited lust in my mind
Just admixture love, comfort &
respect
as I dived Inside you until your soul reached its ******
then in a burst of wither time
one day you dissolved into my bed.

My mind afloat a pool of sadness
as I lay here in my bed on the day of my birth name
Without you by my side
Remember that rainy day ? That storm ? Where we got stuck on the side of the freeway?
I never felt so ******* alive and loved by someone in my life
You probably don't remember but I said I would love you in the future a million times more than in the past

It's sad to say, I still feel exactly the same way
after you said you loved me
while salivating over him and his spit still on your lips and the shame you couldn't admit
Hiding behind your mask made out of sweet nothings, and alibis
as your ghost stands host of my vacant mind

Slit my ******* throat and try to stitch it with the promises you couldn't keep
Cut my ******* heart out and try to make it palpitate with your sympathy
drag me down to hell
So I can cauterize in your wrongdoings
Or throw me up to heaven
so I can asphyxiate in your globs holy ******* greatness
So he can watch me suffocate in love lost and heartaches and feel the greatest pain of all humanity
A broken ******* heart

Ive spend the rest of the year trying to find you in everything
Like hopeless romantic films, sad songs, and aesthetic, melancholy sceneries
Finding excuses to feed my rage
So I can hate you because that's all I have left at the end of my fingers tips

I got a hole in my soul and I wish I was dead, not literally but I feel that way
And as soon as the hands on the clock bend forward to strike 12am
I'm going out of frequency and
You're the only human in the world I wanna see
the only person in all the parallel universes and boundless worlds
Who I wanna be with
No matter Where or why and how many times
I find myself drowning in time
While this plays out infinitely, indifferently, badly, or chaotically
I would spend my life searching for that one world, that one life
Where I wake up next to you and you exist to fill in that empty space on my bed

Love & hate are raging inside of me
And this might sound ironic
But theres one thing I regret
is letting you go for the sake of not having to feel the pain you caused me

Thanks for the birthday wishes, melting candles, and agony.

It's not the judgement that I fear,
But the feeling when you're near.
You're like a hurricane
completely insane,
But it's not the same
when I hear you speak her name.
How I wish she could just disappear,
But you would drink beer.
And tell me that she's still the one you want to hear.
How can I compete
with someone you used to call your queen?
I just want your attention;
You once told me that I was your reflection.
That we had some kind of connection,
But I figured maybe that was just my imagination.
Maybe I was just experiencing some hallucinations.