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tc Jun 2018
TW: suicide / cancer / brutal imagery

july isn't a good month for me
it is a collection of all the things
i have had taken away. it is a
bitter winter chill through a
summer i do not get to enjoy.
july is lonely.
it breaks apart all the other months
like a pack of werewolves; it is
their alpha and i have six months
before everyday is a full moon
and my legs are tired of running
from it. i have six months to
enjoy the fresh scent of crisp air,
to feel the iciness of snow without
shivering through my skin. i try
to break out of this body, try to
knit myself a new one out of
preloved sweaters hoping their
stories will become my own so that
i may have a july worth talking about.
suicide happens all year round but
your suicide happened in july and
has happened every month in my
mind since. i have lost count of the
way i try to contact you to say
i'm sorry.
maybe my spiritual journey wasn't
my own; i convince myself the
universe will show me your face again
one day and i hope it is not in july.
people suffer from cancer throughout
everyday of the year but you suffered
in july. i watched the sunset through
hospital windows, smelt more chemicals
than fresh flowers, held back more
tears than my throat knew how to
swallow. has anyone ever drowned
without being submerged in water?
i have.
i imagined cracking my skull off the
glass confining you to this ward, to
this smell of microwave meals and
this buzzing of machines echoing
like an emergency and my heart is
on standby, i imagined it would give
the ward some colour because i am
so sick of seeing white.
and this july
this july,
i hold your hand as your treatment
continues. i do not feel the sun on
my face because you cannot feel it
on yours. i watch the sunset through
windows. carry the bodybag of my
soul around in "i'm fine" and "i'm okay."
i don't think my voice could drip
with any more sadness as i envision the
words cascading down glass panels
hoping if i spell it out for the world
to see, someone will stop and ask me
why i hate july, or at least,
if i'm okay.
the most honest, personal and deep poem i've ever written. i'm sorry for the brutality and the imagery.
tm Jun 2018
a withered husband,
failed by life
tells me the story
that keeps him
up at night-

thrown in jail
for showing his face
in a white neighbourhood
after light

while he was being
waterboarded for
his tardiness, his
wife was being
sodemised by
men in uniforms,
trashing their shack
and leaving her with a
child with blue eyes

-he was left with
ptsd and an infant
that was birthed
out of a crime

he now awaits for an
apocalyptic flood
to take him out of his
grief knowing that the
love of his life went
through hell knowing
he could’ve protected
her from such demise

he now screams to
the sky asking his
cancer-freed rib and
his adopted son
who left him in this
prison - where is
his rope or knife.

-t.m
I see the red but nothing happens
I look up, but I can't do that
I pinch myself, it didn't hurt
I'm not dreaming, am I?

I look outside, the neighbor's wall's too white
It stung my eyes, I thought I'd cry
Good thing I didn't, or they'll ask why
Please don't ask why

I turn the faucet on, nothing flows
I know I paid the bills
I'd pay the bills twice if I had to
I just need the faucet to work

I took a bath, the water's nice
I don't have a bath tub though
I wish I did, so I could see
How my sins would turn the water opaque

Let the water fall
I heard there's a waterfall
Somewhere there's a waterfall
I need to get there

I see the black but nothing happens.
reaching a point of feeling complete emptiness; you feel nothing but ironically you feel so **** sad at the same time; you’d like to cry but you just couldn’t
Alex Zhang Jun 2018
A man lies on his bedbug-ridden mattress, staring at the strange stains on the ceiling, wondering how they got there,
contemplating the stories stored in the sauces and syrups mingling among the asbestos of his overly humble abode

Ugly brown splotches like abscesses on the tattered comforter that he wraps around himself, a metallic odor stirred like a soup in the air by the creaking ceiling fan, he is reminded of those tender tattoos upon his left arm

Self-loathing pulls on his every nerve, throwing wave after wave of pain, both physical and not, onto his long-damaged conscious, his own hatred for himself plucking at his sanity, his humanity

as he becomes but a simulacrum for a swine,
not even as worthy of the title,
for even such a lowly animal has utility in this world, but not he

Drifting off to another day, one that he wished would not come,
a bright smile and laughter fills his desperate thoughts, stirring him from his weariness and softening the perpetual frown upon his ragged, unshaved face

And as he flies away from the despair of that rundown motel, reaching for the cotton candy clouds as he rides the Ferris wheel
of his childhood, the warm breeze wafting greasy goodness and fresh paint, he feels at ease for the first time in a long time,

but he snaps out of this trance, suppresses these memories, scared that he may taint them with his pathetic self and darkness, perverting the only lengths of his life that have value, the only parts dyed with an emotion that was not anger or sadness, and so he pushes them inside, keeping them buried deep, like a jealous dragon guarding treasure undeserved

And it hurts again.

From this lovely world forgotten (or rather one not to be remembered), he descends once more into this living Hell. His innards writhing like a snake, shedding its sickly green skin, tears screaming empty threats at his eyes, hollowed lies for he does not have any left to spare, he mourns the loss of innocence

Turning to see that rusted pair of scissors on the unpolished wooden desk, a paintbrush reserved for a special hue, he thought to drown his needless emotions in his art

Sitting up and reaching once more for the weapon with which he would smite the only true enemy, he painted

Long strands of crimson surfaced from his canvas, and the ground began to spin, the stars in his eyes applauding his brilliance, and feeling accomplished in having dealt sweet retribution onto this villain, he collapsed onto the ground

With time, the drawing would fade, the emotions would return, the paint would dry up, leaving behind another mark on the bedsheets, and when that happened, he will once more construct his masterpiece forged in blood
1-800-273-8255
You can cut meat, but only if you intend to eat it.
Tribhu Jun 2018
They say, 'what we live, is a life of lie'
Even every breath we take, with desires to die!
To death we reach, the utmost salvation
Hoping eventually to find an absolution.
My love! Don't you know?
Even in heavens there's no heave
There's only hellfire to burn you so
Even in despair the living moan,
'Heaven lies inside you, for hell to be gone!'
The quiet silhouette whispers again
'May your hope for lies, never go in vain'
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