Left all alone I continue to erode
My eyes find all my flaws
My mind dips into my insecurities

-no one actually cares for you-

I'd believe it if I was told so
I wish I wasnt anchored onto others
For validation to stay afloat
If left alone I succumb to demons
My brain starts to heat
My eyes become wet
Chip- chipping away at me
Me- who trip-trips over her own feet
Crackle- and- Sparkle as I smile
As though sludge is my brain matter
Sewage floods in my veins
My heart- soul- mind just decay

I had a dream, I saw you there
You reached for me
I reached back

Your skin was cold as ice
Scared, you told me to awake
I opened my heart

I had awoken, but you weren't there
The dream is what kept me alive
I had a dream..

Purgatory feels like...
A dance with the devil who wears my lovers face. It feels like a disregarded boiling tea kettle of our responsibilities that is ready to burst. You hand it back to me as if it were an unwanted gift, making promises with fingers crossed in attempt to silence me. You force it into my arms and my arms alone as you are shaking your head in disapproval.  Selfish snakes have stolen your once sweet tongue, now sour, as you ignore the fact that I already bare the weight of the world which clings onto my shoulders. Animosity swells inside me as two lives crash and burn. You walk away disconnected from it all, continuing on in your child-like life in a cusioned bubble of ignorant bliss. I am swollowed by quicksand inside this burning fictional house we built - standing here, paralyzed, mouth sunk open in disbelief. As you walk away...

I've thought of records and audio files,
Where my voice trails on awkwardly enough,
For me to flinch hard as I listen to
All the silly problems that I wish to
Address in my teenage years, because soon
I'll forget myself, I'll forget my youth
And frankly? I ain't ready for those sad,
Sad twenties and the lonely apartments -
If only I had that audio file -
I'd pour my feelings out, let them go like
Water from a beat down dam heading for
The ocean, that water calls me now and
Its soft hum brings me down to Earth, but my
Stupid feelings are still screaming they're still
Deeply buried in the sand and the ground
It shakes with each unspoken thought I've yet
To let out, but if someone doesn't bring
A shovel, I might as well keep shaking
'Til I stop hating the sound of my own **** voice.

A sip of wine,
I question my fate as do I the heavens,
A sip of wine,
Must a carp forever stay a carp never to ascend,
A sip of wine,
Must a tiger's soul be born as a cat,
A sip of wine,
Must a baby chick never take off into a condor,
A sip of wine,
Is the cup not but empty.

Anxiety is an angry beast
It has crooked teeth and yellow eyes
And if it wasn’t clamping it’s jaws on your neck
It might even be funny
It’s always there
A shadow in the daylight
And a ghost in the night
It peeks around doorways and hangs in pictures
It lives in your bed
Your house
And there is nowhere that is safe
Deep breathing is an aspirin for a stab wound
Fighting back is a bandaid for a bullet hole
So instead we sit
And we never stir
And we hope that maybe our brains will quiet
Or our breathing will stop
Because anything is better
Than that crooked beast that taunts me
Anxiety

I hate realizing I forgot to take my
meds. I don’t mind taking them. I need
them to pretend I can function. And
forgetting until the next morning can
be brutal, but I get right up and start
again. But when I realize they didn’t
slide down my throat and enter my
bloodstream in the middle of the day,
or halfway through the time of night
when magic unfolds and destruction
happens, I’m reminded of something.

I’m reminded that these small, white
discs with an indent down the middle
are the only thing keeping me from
climbing the tallest building and
taking a deep breath. I’m reminded
that I’m not in control. I’m reminded
that I wouldn’t want it if I had it.


-
by Aleksander Mielnikow

outside, it is cold and dark and cloudless.
but my soul is on fire, my thoughts are dim and my mind-

i go for a walk.

outside, i breathe. i gasp for air and look up, up, up (outside, it is cloudless)
the stars are shining so bright, so i dance and sing and laugh and-

i leave during the night.

outside, i am flying on the swings of an abandoned playground
and it is high high high low low low high higher higher higher (i dance and sing and laugh and)

i fall.

outside, there is a child laying on the gravel pit of an abandoned playground
arms and legs twisted, fingers broken, eyes staring at the stars shining so bright

and she laughs, and laughs, and laughs.