If left to my own ...
Fine devices
ALONE

Without anything ...
But conflict
FELT

I will not shine bright ...
Or glow by candle
LIGHT

But blow out the fire
Of hopefulness
COLD
...

This decade,
This mammoth.
Battered thing that never began and may never
End.
Echoes of some far-off bloodshed acted as a fine soundtrack to my adolescence -
The needle ran in circles, scarring and scratching until the blood broke my brain.
It was a knife-edge,
Balancing act.
The fears of yesteryear were never too slow to squeeze my wrist as I ran
Through the fields, whistling against the bellowing wind,
And I fell to the flowers -
Their pollen pitied me.
Purple petals frowned as I giggled until my stomach
Flipped. Uncertain in this hot-cold climate
Wherein the glare of hope didn't outstay her welcome.
Didn't melt my clay too much before it could harden in our tired sun.
The sculpture built on optimism, reinforced by pessimism.

With every hot breath I can hear the song
Of the sublime Mother.

Her nails longer than the cold that
Drips off of the faucet,
Her milk purer than the pavement
Beneath my feet.

She taught me to fear the future and
I taught myself break her grasp.

Together we sit, arms crossed,
Bound by family ties,
Fading into her melody.

to be a worm that dies in a field
to be a dog that is scared while pooping
to be a nightmare that is ever looping
to be misery that may never yield
to be something that can change
i am something that can change

2019 began
in a shimmer of hope, of peace,
a little light at the end of the tunnel
that was this decade.
And now it is time to
bid farewell,
to not only 2019,
but welcome in another year
and decade with open hearts.
Even if life didn't go according to plan,
I do hang on to the hope of a future
so very far from my past.

It’s been years now that I’ve loved you
In the basement I kissed and hugged you
Though I was redirected to your cheek
My knees couldn’t help but feel weak
Your eyes they glisten like stars
Your skin like beautiful smooth sand bars
The sound of your voice fills me
And I get lost in you as you lift me
You press your chest against mine
In that moment everything stops, even time
I long to be by your side
Nothing else matters, I don’t want to hide
I wish I could tell the world that I love you with my heart
I wish we could just hit restart

I wish to be a
man of hope again but this
life is just too cruel

11:16 AM
22/12/19

i've finally started to see
that being single
just means being me

single doesn't mean missing something

single doesn't mean empty
single doesn't mean one less
doesn't mean i lost something

i just gained myself
i just gained freedom


1≠0

1≠-1

me and you did not always equal two
sometimes it was more me carrying you

i used all those burned bridges
all that baggage
those tears
the broken glass
the stained sheets
the anniversary presents
that old t-shirt i took
all those sweaters too
even those socks i stole in the winter
when the snow soaked through my shoes

i took all the leftovers
from all those years
and i used them to learn

stacked up all those memories
used them to reach a new understanding

re-purposed old arguments
to make me a better woman

i stopped covering old scars
i let them remind me of how far i've come instead

i let the slight tinge of pain
when i see your face
remind me that my heart
still works
that my brain still remembers
and that's OK

getting over
and moving on
isn't feeling nothing

1≠0


moving on
and getting over
means trusting myself

making my own decisions
making my own mistakes
instead of cleaning up someone else's

it means standing on both my feet

instead of balancing on one

it means keeping myself warm at night
easing my own mind

it means taking care of myself
so that i can love me

it means looking in the mirror
and knowing i am beautiful
not waiting for the words to come off of someone else's lips

being single

means i have nothing to lose
and everything to gain

so no i am not lonely
no i am not bored

no i am definitely not looking
i am not searching

i have already found my partner
i found her the second you left me
by myself

i still find her everyday

my other half
is just myself being whole

i find my soulmate
every day without you

i find her in the subway
humming to herself on the platform
i find her in my morning coffee
i find her looking back at me every day
and every night
i find her staring at me through the mirror
and i find her in all those times
that i used to feel alone

being single doesn't mean i am singular

i am an infinite arsenal of strength
of hope and self-love

being without you
gives me more time to become me

and i think i'm going to love
this becoming
more than i ever loved
being with someone else

i don't need a relationship history
to define what i should be

i am writing my own **** book
and the heroine is me

i don't need a script
written by some husband-to-be

my life is not a fairy tale movie

it's a real, raw, documentary
and it's starring me

so i don't need
five star reviews
from past lovers and fools
to tell me how good my acting was

i don't need to act anymore
i don't need to fake it

i'm doing this for me
now and forever
and since you carry yourself
wherever you go
forever and always
is one promise
that i know i can keep

and if i do meet someone
who says they love me

well this time i'll love me too

next time it won't be 1+1=2

it will be 1+1= 1 +1
i'll be me and you'll be you

but for now it's just me
and i'm more than just enough
i'm plenty