if i give to you a universe,
you said to me this morning-
what would you fill it with?
a blank universe,
you coaxed me this morning-
tell me what i'd see.
i said, unwillingly at first-
i would not take your universe
not your gift to give...not your stars.
i would not take your universe
if you gave it on
bended knee.
-but if i had a universe,
a blank universe i'd fill it
with ecstasy storms
and kissing maids romping
with bright hued braids twirling
and child's first prayer that electrifies grass blades
and butterscotch ice ponds
and fields of wildflowers
and books lining roadways and
words raining sideways-
with
trains running backwards and
time moving slowly
with music for dinner and
dancing for sadness
with
lovers and mothers
and
magic
and
you.
perhaps i said,
as i rolled close in the sheets
i'd just fill it with you and i-
and i would love you when the sun
did shine
and when the sun
did not.
and i would love you when you closed your eyes
and i would love you as you wept.
love you as you walked
toes tickling my ground and sand
and i would love you when you sneezed
and as you sang
        and as you aged.
and i would love you
sleep
to
sleep-
my tiny universe to keep.



sahn
11/19/2014

I slept in my chair last night
I tried to sleep in bed
as soon as I entered the room for sleep
she echoed through my head
I knew before I laid my head that
this feeling wouldn't pass
so I grabbed a pillow and my blanket, and on a chair is where I crashed

a heart is whole when you have someone to share it with and you are not crying alone in the corner.
when you feel like you have to be in a corner you have to step up and find someone
there is always someone out there for everyone I did not realize that untill arms were full of scars and i was just wanting to die
But that is when my best friends came and told me there is someone out there for you so you need to get up and put that knife down and go and get her

I am ready.
To fall apart.
To meet you.
Again.
Say 'I love you's' in a park.
To hate when it breaks.
I met you somewhere along an avenue.
Coffee, I suppose.
And then I lost you. Again.
Found you. In a place of expected conquers.
Kiss me. Please. Just once.
For old time's sake.
You've moved on.
So have I.
Just not with you.

Im tired of thinking, my mind is going dizzy. I'm tired of stressing, I'm suffocating. My heart is bleeding, my veins are in pain. My ears have gone deaf and my body is weak . This is insane . I once loved you, but guess your mind was elsewhere. I thought what we raised was love, but it was in vain ...... Just lust.. Guess this is no longer my place to stay. I'm sorry for all the pain and tears I've caused. But guess it's for the best. For you, me and us. All the best. Take care. Bye....xxxx

Being the other side of the breaking point made me realize that I am happier alone.
Something is very flawed when you have to damage someone for the sake of sheltering yourself.
To keep the thoughts of ugliness out.
When you're with them you are raw, exposed.
The only person who can make you feel worse than yourself is the person who loves you the most.
The irony, when you are their epitome of beauty but your mind won't surrender the idea that compared to all the other beauties in the world you are absolutely nothing.