Love is.... crying myself to sleep because all I can think about is you, but your probably thinking about her, because it's not me you want.... but what am I supposed to do? because that's what love is.
Love is.... begging the universe to let us be something more than we are, begging it to let us cross paths again because now we are older, less messy.
begging for it to give us that forever we so dearly deserved.
Love is.... standing in the pouring rain because you can't be happy without them, if their here dying your going to die right with them.
Love is.... walking around in a day dream when things are good but a nightmare when everything starts falling apart.
Love is.... staring up at the ceiling, numb at 3 am because they're confusing, telling you they love you, but their actions telling a whole different story. you can slowly feel them disconnecting.
you tried, you really did but your the only one who's constantly fighting for it to work.
Love is.... making up excuses for them because they really mean that much to you, they were just busy.... to tired to check their phone, we're working, maybe sick.
Love is.... killing parts of yourself so they can feel more alive. trying to fill voids left from long ago.
Love is.... letting your heart take over, having no control over who it picks. because in truthful honestly it wasn't supposed to be him.
Love is.... messy and sweet, it's screaming in your pillow in the middle of the night, it's honest and scary, full of hope. it's hot and cold, bitter and beautiful.
Love is.... a paradox full of twists and turns, lies and truths. it's opening yourself up to a stranger but feeling like you've known them your whole life.
Love is.... like coasting that line between life and death, never knowing the ending. if it's going to be the greatest or most tragic thing that's ever happened to you.
Love is.... letting someone hold a gun to your heart.... praying to god they don't shoot....

I'm fond of this image of him,
sweet, vulnerable, gentle.
He knows all my games,
and still he crawls to me.

I feel seen,
almost protected
almost loved.

And I can't help but wonder,
in the late Saturday morning
what would have been of us.

If only he had learned how to read,
my poetry, my soul, my self,
if he had listened to
my voice, my plea, my cry.

But for him I was invisible,
and just like in chess
I learned how to end a king,
with foolish moves.

I remember the way I screamed,
While you walked free, so redeemed.
You left me crawling in the dirt,
But I won’t break, I won’t get hurt.

You played me like a worthless toy,
Just to shatter, just to destroy.
Left me bleeding, torn apart,
Now taste the wrath you chose to start.

You built a throne on my broken bones—
Now watch it crumble under your own stones.
No more mercy, no more cries,
I'll rise while your kingdom dies.

I couldn't tell you....
so I would lay in bed at night and dream that you were holding me, whispering endlessly in my ear about random nothings full of silent every things.
I couldn't tell you....
so I'd write about you, endlessly with meaningful rhythm.
making sure I get every thought in.... how you'd smile at me in the moonlight, trying to find words that expressed the way you'd laugh, or how your eyes would do that thing when you were confused.
I couldn't tell you....
so every time your name came up I felt an earth quake start to form in the middle of my chest. trying everything to disguise the pain that had rooted there from your absence.
I couldn't tell you....
so I let all these feelings take me over.... it wasn't supposed to be you, and I knew that. but what was I supposed to do? tell myself I was wrong?
so I did what any sane person would do....
locked away that aching pain to go out and pull you close, shoved the idea that you maybe feel the same so far down that it drowned in it's own hope eventually killing itself.
I couldn't tell you.... so I let it **** me.

You broke me, but that is nothing new.... I knew you had the means to break me when we were almost something.... I had handed you my most prized possession.
I so effortlessly passed myself over, too naive to think about the consequences, or the fact that even though I love you, it didn't mean you loved me.....
I knew you broke me when I was sitting in a restaurant too exhausted to cook, breaking down at the table by myself while watching couples who could have been us laughing and eating.
I knew you broke me when I hated going to bed and staring up at that stupid dull white ceiling in silence, my mind going over everything I might have done wrong.
when sleep came I was finally at peace, but not for long....
I knew you broke me when every morning I dreaded getting up because it meant I had to do another day without you.
I knew you broke me when I hated myself, hated how I looked because maybe if I looked better you would have stayed and chosen me.
hated how I talked, maybe if i used a softer tone? or more stern? you wouldn't have chosen her?
maybe if my eyes were blue? or my hair blonde?
I knew you broke me when I was tearing myself apart because you left....
you broke me, but I already knew you would.

Loneliness lamented,
never exempt from
tremendous emptiness,
relentless against
hellbent descent
of my own invention;
entrenched in
mental torment
taking up every tenement residence,
detention condemns.

But
summer still incenses
mid November
in sun scented
memories,
tempted by your
gentlest remnants,
still renders me
senseless.

Daydreamt,
ephemeral,
almost replenishes and mends
until
heart hemorrhaging
becomes a
drenching tempest,
like a fist clenching
tension
holding onto your
absence
and some semblance
of what you meant
and yet
goodbye
you went
again.

…
before him
i was lost
wandering around
i was wondering if another one was the one for me
but then he appeared and brightened my life with his smile
now
he is gone
but maybe he will give me a chance?

25/12/2024

Losing someone you never even dated is a different kind of Heartbreak.
You pour your emotions,
Your quiet hopes, into a connection that never fully existed outside of your Mind.

Every Smile,
Every Glance, becomes something you overanalyze.
Searching for a sign, a spark.
Something that might prove she felt it too.
But most days, it's like standing in the shadows.
Watching her move through life without ever really seeing you.

Stuck in this in-between,
Too much for just friends,
Somehow not enough for anything more.
And that Stings.
Wondering if she ever saw what you felt.
If she ever noticed your quiet affection or your subtle longing.

Unrequited love doesn't fade,
It buries itself deep, waiting in some quiet corner of your heart.
Still Aching.
And sometimes we wait too long for the love we deserved all along.
Forgetting that our worth is never tied to someone else recognition of it.

But you can never forget the weight of love unspoken,
A story that never began yet still feels irrepairably broken.