Isn't it a funny feeling; guilt
And the things we feel it for

I'm not sure which is harder; being unloved
Or being taught love is what it isn't

But both leave you robbed

And angry.

"
It took me two decades to understand,
You never knew how;
Yours came with strings of compliance attached

And obligatory love is a **** poor excuse for it.

"
I left, I left
And still the guilt came;

That unwanted visitor who refuses to leave.

Almost....
death could not hold a torch to the word that lingers in my mind every second of every day.
we were almost something, and that almost will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I will think about how we almost kissed that night in the dark, drunk off ***** and each other.
how you almost held my hand when we were so close to each other in the back of that old chevy truck.
the almost, when you smiled at me,
when we looked at each other,
when every word held so much anticipation.
our almost will be my forever.

words had maddened me....
the cobwebs hanging from the drafts of the only room where I felt at home but also as if I was completely losing my mind.
his invisible hands wrapping around my throat trying to choke me.
my hands were ****** with all the truths I could not tell him,
refusing to let escape my lips and make a noise.... but slowly they were sneaking through my hands, the words running down my lips to my finger tips.
the candle lit beside me was the only light left,
not being able to reach far enough to my soul to reignite it.
paper thrown everywhere, as my only listener....
but his imprints were on everything....
including me.

you had a gun,
there was blood everywhere,
but I couldn't run....
I saw the tears drowning in your eyes,
and I knew it was all a big mistake.
but you were the one holding the gun.
I didn't even hear it go off, but it did.
everything was supposed to be alright
you told me you had to do it.
and I believed you....

what if I never forget you....
what if ten years go by and I still remember how your upper lip twitched in that lop sided way when you were confused.
what if I meet someone new but all I see in them is missing pieces of you....
what if twenty years drag on and I'm still stuck on you.
how you smelt of pine and whiskey, tears and regrets.
what if every night when I lay in bed I wish you were there beside me, holding me, feeling your heart beat against mine.
what if life gets away from me and I miss out on everything I want, because you were most of it.
what if I'm on my death bed, aged with gray hair and tired skin, and my last thought is that I spent my whole life loving you, even when you didn't love me back.... even if you left?

everybody warns you about death....
how losing a loved one can destroy your life, ripe apart what you always knew to be reality and shake it out of control completely.
but nobody warns you what its like to morn the death of someone who is still alive, someone who still trapes the earth but has nothing to do with you.
they tell you how this person you love will be taken away, but gone to a better place.
but what about him?
what about the boy I loved more than the universe itself who's gone but just in my life?
and I the one who dies while he still gets the privilege to live?

love is supposed to be late night phone calls.
going out for dates anywhere, it didn't matter where as long as you were with them.
cuddling and movies.
kisses and laughter.
baking together when your bored.
smiled and stolen glances.
love is supposed to be soft and calm, like you were living in some sort of fairytale.
but that was not our love.
our love was yelling and screaming, just to make up for a few hours.
our love was burning skin because we couldn't keep our hands off each other, mad or happy.
our love was engraving our names into each other
our love was some sort of claim, we happily destroyed each other with passion.
our love was crying my eyes out at 2 in the morning because you left, you threatened and you'd come back.
our love was lies and truths and everything we didn't need to experience at such a young age.
you'd look at me and I'd melt in place.
our love was not soft or beautiful....
it was a wrecking ball covered in fire, destroying everything in it's path.... even us.

"let someone in" their voice rang though my head.
flashbacks of how my soul died replayed over and over and over again through the fog of my memory.
they meant it so innocently, but he was so innocent when I let him in.
my arms were wide open, I told him to make himself comfortable when he entered the depths of my heart.
and god, did he.
his shoes were muddy but I didn't even notice, his smile distracting me.
he opened my books on the shelf of memories, leaving them scattered all over the place.... his smooth beautiful lies consuming my mind to a point where I didn't care what he did.
I let him trapse through my deepest secrets, my most intense thoughts, while he sat there and smiled saying how he loved me.
why did I have to believe him?
he laced his words with so much truth it made my head spin,
he was bringing parts of me alive that had died so many years ago and I thought he'd stay.... but I also thought he loved me.
but before I could even blink he had ran out the door.
the door which used to have a wall built around it with a lock.
a wall that he broke down, and lock he somehow managed to get through.  
he was a storm that had ripped through my whole being, leaving me even more damaged than before.
but it's okay.... I'll just 'let someone in' again.

Blue is how I feel about you....
Blue is how cold my blood runs whenever I think about you.
Blue and black is the colour of the sky and rain the night you told me you were leaving, the night you chose to not be with me.
Blue were your eyes that I so willingly drowned in.
Blue is now my only emotion.
when I think about you, my eyes flash with blue.... when the sky so bright and beautiful crowds over me.
Blue is how I die, remembering you.