Clap, clap, clap
‘Round n ‘round n ‘round
Musical chairs
Do you hear that sound?
Stop
Turn around
Sing and dance
Dress pretty
Smile more
What do girls have in common?
No, not their bodies
I am keeping score
When will her turn come?
Stop and sit
Oops
An unwanted game
Touched again
Whistles so loud
Stares like daggers
Piercing her skin
Awful words
***** glares
At her body
Ring, ring, ring
In her ears, eyes, and heart
Forever in her mind
Look, look, look
It never stops
Make it stop
I will never forget
Never forgive
What were you wearing?
What were you doing?
What were you thinking?
Don’t dare blame her
Victim
Survivor of countless crimes
Horrible atrocious acts
It is not her
It is them

maybe people are right
when they said
"i would look pretty
when i smile"

but for now
i am happy being ugly
till the day
these perverts die

i look back at the girl i was
when it happened and
darling, you were so young
you didn’t deserve to be treated that way
or to have to grow up that fast
i wish i could’ve protected you and
told you that you were safe
and that you didn’t have to
destroy yourself
because you didn’t want to be in
the same body he touched

you thought you carried
your faults on your skin
so you tore it open

i was a body hollowed out
a skeleton with shattered bones
he ripped off my wings
and emptied me of all light
now all you’ll find
is black paint in careless streaks
across my weary heart
tired of beating

a ***** rotting thing
held a lighter to a match
not as smart as you might think
so i burned
and returned
to ash again

i remember this in little flashes
noises, smells, words
hit my brainstorm like lightning bolts
and take me right back to
a frightened little girl
blurred visuals projected
like a picture show i didn’t want to see
and i freeze
catatonia

my senses swarmed in radio static
and nothing around me is real anymore
not that the broken memories
of buried innocence in an unmarked grave
felt any more concrete
i can hear my panicked
heartbeat thumping like thunder
in my chest while thoughts
run wild through my mind
reverberating around my brain
until they whirred enough
to release cacophonous screams

is it too much to ask to forget
these little incendiary flashes
because they burn me from the inside
and turn me back to ashes
but memories don’t work like that
they don’t dissipate or shrink
no matter how hard you try

secrets turn to cement in my lungs
and i’m drowning in them
suffocating, coughing, wheezing
every time i try to speak
i choke because it’s not over
unless he says it is

to be polite
i keep this twisted sickness inside of me
but i long to cut myself open
and rip the tangled mess
of trauma from my chest
throw it down where everyone can see
because i’m so tired
of keeping this in for so long

i’ve only ripped myself open
to know it was real
because i’m just a terrified child
but the world doesn’t stop
the natural progression of
a child with secrets
to an adult with depression

no one cares
when they see someone like me
hunched over her own bleeding guts
splattered on the sidewalk
apologizing to pedestrians
about her own carnage
because she didn’t mean it
as a call for attention

but god, i wish they did
if only the world would stop for a moment
so i can collect these thoughts
and piece them together in way
i can explain why
i’m bleeding out in front of you
and ask for you
to reach out your hand
and rescue me
from this unrighteous ruining
and help me rise from these ashes
6/22

Did you just say i love you
or it's in my head?
Haha, why would you say it
cause you think  I am ugly, I am bad
and I dont listen to your mother
cause I am too busy with my own self and it makes her mad
Did you just touch me
or it's in my head?
Haha, why would you love me
cause you always come near to hit me even in bed,
your hands always touch my face to slap, you want me dead.
Your hands were hard and they never stopped no matter how many tears I shed,
sometimes my healed scars fills me with dread.
Did you just say you miss me
or it's in my head?
Haha, why would you miss me
when I was never part of your life,
I am just a story unread.
Did you just say don't leave
or it's in my head?
Sigh, why would you say that
when I know your cell phone is more dear to you than me and I remember every word that you said.
It's like I am under your debt
now I am slowly coming out of red.

It's everywhere I go :
What once leached over a dark corner
mutilated,
grew faster and stronger
A different shape everytime
yet the same core
Countless,
rot.
Like a radar
shivers climb my spine
as It gets closer
and closer
to Its prey
The strangulating reek
thicker
and thicker.
As I float farther away
from the distorted
distant sounds of the crowds
and dive into utter blackness  
I can almost taste the decay  
from Its crumbling mask
My body quietly shivers
It gowls
The beast is awaken
Starving
his loathsome breath cutting my left cheek
I feel It growing
ready to attack.
The bus halts
I shut my eyes,
resisting the sudden ray of light
that brought me back to life
freeing me from Its clasp
It crawls back to darkness
waiting for Its next victim
at the next stop.

Whoever said to give up
had already gave up

Whoever said to stop
they never knew the word 'go'

Whoever said don't cry
don't know a broken heart

Whoever said your broken
is only repeating what they are

Whoever said you should die
has never climbed a step to live

An insect.
That crawls upon my body, except I can't quickly swat it away
Without causing attention to myself
and everyone noticing that my
white ******* are pulled
all the way down
to my ankles.

My lips are dry so I bite them.
Knuckles whitening while I hold onto the grip-strap
And I hear his heavy breathing against my neck.
I look at the tunnels, quickly passing by.
'Maybe this will end fast too?'

Naive of me to think so.

Sliding into my flower
Like a toxic, little aphid.
Stuck on my sticky leaves
As petals are parted and

I pour out of the open doors in Shinjuku station,
And run out, wiping a tear on my sleeve.
I tug up my decency
While I run to the ticket booth.
Angry foreigner was yelling at the old man who sits within.
The clock above strikes eight.
I decide that it's not worth it.
I won't tell anyone.
It doesn't matter.
Could be worse.
It's okay.
I'm okay.







I wasn't okay.