I wonder if I suppress my positivity
And subdue my better nature,
For it is my penance,
My cross to bear,
My guilt exposed,
For sins laid bare

It doesn’t matter how many times people say you did your best,
They never truly know the truth of the situation.
Only you know just how much you weren’t there for mum
In her hours of need.

Dementia is a cruel fate,
And even crueler when living with a narcissist
Who deliberately causes a rift in the family.
Does the guilt ever go away
For those left behind?

Guilt can become a habit
Cold comfort
Familiar
And safe

Whether it is from what you did
Or didn’t do
Intended
Or didn’t intend

Whatever the source
The guilt implies
That it was in your power
To change the outcome
Control the impact

When often the things we feel most guilty about
Are the things we have least control over

Guilt can be used to control
“This is all your fault”
Masking the fact
That fault can always
Be spread around
By changing your perspective

Or it can be the excuse we give ourselves
To not try again
To let a relationship fade
“It’s for their own good, I’m the problem”
Instead of
Seeking forgiveness
Asking for change
Of ourselves
Of others

Guilt paralyzes
Trapping us in the past
Saping strength we need
To move on
Make change
Seek resolution

Guilt can sometimes be a valuable teacher
Calling our attention to times when we made mistakes
Hurt others
Hurt ourselves

You can use these lessons to inform
What you do
How you think
How you interact
In the future

Concentrate on these lessons
But let go of the guilt
It benefits no one
Changes nothing

Beware the trap
Of believing you always have control
Even if that belief comes in the form of guilt that you failed
To do
Or not to do

When other peoples’
Actions
Intentions
Responses
Motivations
Are in the mix

No one person can control the outcome
Or the impact

All that any of us can really control is
Our actions
Our intentions
Our responses
Our motivations
                                moving forward

Don't feel so special

I've been abused,
Forcefully used,
Yet you think you can blow my fuse?
Don't feel so special.

I've hacked & sliced at my own skin,
Barely living,
So thin,
But you worry if you hurt my grin,
Don't feel so special.

You could have called me every bad name under the sun,
shot me with a gun.
But I've hurt me, more than you've ever could.
So don't feel so special.

I don't need closure,
Unless its from stitches,
Mending the pieces I've broke from myself.
But the damage you've done,
Is nothing I haven't done to myself.

So don't feel sorry.
Hold your tears of guilt upon a shelf.
They mean nothing to me,
But only for yourself.

So don't feel so special.
You are nothing but another person who dared to hurt me,
But only hurt themself.

Born free of sin in this stoneless land,
I’m forced to love people I can’t.
To make up for it, I crucify myself each night,

Struck by the flail of my own mind.
Pierced by the spear of my own lies,
Hammering the nails to the beat of my own heart.

I look up at that deep black sky,
But He is nowhere to be found.
Was I sent here just to die?

𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍𝚗’𝚝 𝚜𝚘 𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚍, 𝙸 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚜𝚊𝚒𝚍 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍𝚋𝚢𝚎.
𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎, 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝚠𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚝
𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚜𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝, 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝚠𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚝.

𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚍, 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚋𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚐𝚞𝚢
𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚔𝚒𝚜𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚙𝚜, 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝
𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚜, 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚊𝚛𝚎
𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢, “𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚋𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕”
𝚂𝚘 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚖𝚢 𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚍, 𝚕𝚎𝚝’𝚜 𝚏𝚕𝚢 𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚠𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚝.

Little divested flower,
Shame— how you break with the peak of light.
A blossom they might think,
You're still a phony stick.
Is it guilt filling the scene?
Or is it just the sunbeam?