I would rather be your greatest sin,
The one you crushed with your own hands — emotionally, mentally —
Than to pray for someone better.
It is better to stop here,
No longing for a life beyond you.
You yearn for money, grand houses, shining cars.
And I — I yearn only for you.
You used me as a bridge, a stepping stone toward your dreams,
And yet, I prayed you would be my last harbor, my refuge.
And still, I ache to be your great sin, your Karma.
I want to watch you stumble through misfortunes,
To see despair darken your days as it once darkened mine.
I want you to return to my Hello Poetry website,
To read, with grief, how fiercely I loved you,
After you lose me forever.
Yes, you will return — that is all you will ever have from me,
For I will no longer breathe in this world.
And despite all I write, this is me — trembling with guilt and fear for you.
I do not wish to be cruel, I do not wish to hurt you.
Yet you have broken me so deeply, I laugh through my tears.
I love you so much that it terrifies me,
And I fear that my love, unguarded, will burn you,
Even as I ache to be the shadow in your joy,
The misfortune that follows you like a whisper.
I long for days so deadly that nature itself rebels against you,
Yet I tremble at the thought of your pain.
I want you to weep over my grave, begging my forgiveness,
To stand straight and implore God a hundred times to soften my heart,
To fear the nights and the days,
Not knowing what else my Karma has reserved.
I do not crave a new happy life, nor a perfect husband.
I yearn only to be the one who makes you wish to turn back time,
To keep me, to pamper me, to dare not touch me,
To dare not gaslight me.
And yet, a piece of me cries for your safety,
For your peace, for your heart untouched by my wrath.
I want you to ache for the hours lost,
So that whenever I wrote you a poem,
You would read it with passion, not remind me that you dislike reading.
And still, I wish your nights be gentle,
Even as I long to be the storm that haunts your dreams.
I learned to code games for you —
For birthdays, anniversaries, every trivial and sacred moment.
I gave all I had to give.
But now… after you lose me,
After I bear the weight of loving you to death,
I see it coming.
You will fall for another who will never love you,
Who trades your feelings for coins,
Who uses you without care.
I feel it approaching:
The times you hung up, calling me stupid,
The times you threw things at me,
The moments I sent voice messages, crying, begging for your ear,
And you replied once — a single, hollow message —
I deleted them all, I did not listen.
The times you reminded me my family didn’t love me,
That you were the only one who did.
The times you left me on my own,
The times you threw me from your car, telling me to take an Uber home.
Do you think you are spared from this?
God is just.
Yet my hope clings:
I will watch it all from my grave —
Seeing you return to the sites I built for you,
Rereading the hundreds of messages I wrote,
Over and over, haunted by my absence.
I know it is coming.
God knows my heart, knows that your tears are my weakness.
Perhaps I will even ask Him to forgive you,
Even after all the pain carved into me.
I smoke endlessly, searching for ways to punish myself,
For I was never enough.
I wish for you never to ask for forgiveness,
For I will no longer exist to answer.
You have shattered me a million times.
And Karma is real.
You will know, in that moment.
No Dodge, no sea-side mansion, no Rolex upon your wrist,
Could ever replace the love I poured.
The woman who loved you madly once sold her phone,
Even her Nintendo Switch — not for their worth,
But to buy one more hour, one more breath, while you threatened to leave.
She thought: If I can buy one more hour, perhaps I can save you,
Perhaps I can hold on to what slips through my fingers.
She gave them up, not for their value, but for a chance to keep you a little longer.
And for herself, she bought only a cheap phone, to survive,
So she would not remain with nothing.
Yet still, you humiliated her, drenched her in water,
As if her sacrifices were ashes.
What cruelty is this?
What blindness, not to see her love as the true currency —
Not gold, not games, not phones.
Your birthday will come, and she will do nothing for you.
You will measure what I gave against what she offers.
Yet the true torment will be your love for her.
You will attempt to erase my Karma —
Every act of kindness, charity in my name, good deeds for my sake —
But my shadow will haunt you.
You will long for that girl to be me in spirit, yet live as her.
I know that day is coming.
I feel it approaching like a storm on the horizon.
Do you have the strength to endure it?
I doubt it.
And still… despite all…
I wish my journey to end here, at this station.
For I have loved you beyond measure.
I desire no greater joy, no replacement, no reward.
I seek only the ending.
I am a woman matured in heart and soul,
Certain of my desires, unwavering in my truth.
I know perfectly well that the video games I made for your birthday,
Which you humored me by pretending to like,
You will play later.
You will wish it had been that other woman who made them.
You will rage at God as I have gone to Him,
Questioning why He did not give me better,
Why He took me,
Why He did not place me with the best man,
Why He did not make you forget me,
Why He let me die grieving over you.
And you will cry to Him every day, telling Him how much you love the woman beside you —
But she will never love you.
Only then will you realize there is no escape from the justice of the Lord.
All you had to do was treat me kindly, wipe my tears, soothe my fear —
It would have cost nothing. Yet you chose to hurt me.
I only need You, my Lord, to gently pat my heart until I meet You…
Just for this time, I long for a handful of ice upon my soul,
A soft frost upon my burning heart,
And nothing else but that… until everything comes to an end.
And yet, in the midst of this torment, I tremble with love for you.
I fear for you with a depth that shatters me.
I do not wish you pain, and yet I long to be the shadow that darkens your steps,
The unlucky star that follows your every dawn.
I love you so fiercely, yet my love is my vengeance.
I want to save you, and I want you to suffer —
All at once, all at the same time.
