My mom was in Guatemala, my dad had left before I had grown. The only one in the house besides me was my grandma who never did peep nor moan.

My big lil brother was living with our father and my younger sister was somewhere I don't know.

So what's one to do at 16 when you know they're all away for at least another 10 days?  Socal in those years especially for me was a 24hr. pharmaceutical playground..so what's one to do?  Let's play!

Missing all the 2 AM chats
about All the Things,
the this and thats.
You were always awake too.
Ready to share,
ready to care.
Ready to tell a story or two.
You drank in kindness,
with every black cup.
To the world's darkness,
you had blindness,
always... looking up.
Grandma, how can it be,
that you WERE?
How can you be,
not here with me?
You miss us all,
I am sure.
We miss you too.
In all the little things we do,
all the times we show how to care.
All those times...
You are there.
Never again...
Cannot be real.
My heart cannot begin,
To accept that deal.
I will laugh and cry and love,
with you.
Either here,
or above.
Do not forsake me,
in my Pagan ways.
Light my path,
these earthly days.
For to live, and laugh, and toil, and love,
with your whole heart,
I have heard...
is what makes a good life.
A good wife.
A soul well lived and learned.
But just in case,
Can you put in a good word?
For I cannot bear
to exisit in a world,
With you never again there.

I've got a lollipop in space,
she's my saving grace,
with a gentle wrinkled
grandma's face

She has the Stars on a string,
makes the constellations sing,
and wears the sun on her hand
like a pinky ring.

She's light,
a delight,
always right
with a smile that fights
the blackest of nights
and hands that cure
anyone's plight.

She sugar on berries
when the path gets scary
and filled with the void
of wicked fairies.  

A dollop on top,
the cream of the crop,
the rain in the desert
where it doesn't drop....

An Illuminating Force
nothing can stop
My grandma in the heavens.... my Lollipop.

i only had one grandma.
i had people of no relation who snaked their way into my heart and then abandoned me when things got too tough.
i had one who sent me 2 holiday cards and never spoke to me because she could care less for my mother.
and then i had her.
the woman with the beehive hair and the list of men who adored her.
the smoker.
the charmer.
the maker of the best baby blankets and christmas wreaths.
i had someone who woke me up with a hug and kiss and itsy bitsy spider on the tv.
with a cup of coffee in her hand and two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the counter, one for each of us.
i had a woman who was a terrible mother but saw nothing but beauty in me and knew that i was her ticket to forgiveness.
i had a woman who empowered me and made me feel beautiful.
from the baby pictures of me in her bathroom to the way her beautiful green eyes that she gave to me looked at me with such love and adoration.
i had a woman who spoiled me.
who wanted me to have everything, not so i could act privileged, but cultured.
i had someone who felt empty inside.
who abandoned her daughter.
who did drugs and smoked until her lungs gave up on her.
i had no more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
no more macaroni art.
i had no grandma.
and maybe that’s when i started to lose my innocence.
when i realized that the woman i idolized was ripped away due to selfishness and irresponsibility.
that the nights my mother would cry herself to sleep because my father wouldn’t ever stop yelling grandma wasn’t just one call away.
there was no protection.
and while i’ve forgotten her beautiful voice i can still hear screaming and crying.
i can still hear the moment of silence and the sad man playing the keys to the tune of amazing grace.
i can still hear my father silently priding himself because he knew that he had officially isolated my mother and i from all we had ever known.
and after that, doors were closed and locked.
there were more holes in the walls and bruises and welts.
the vacations were excessive because my mother dreaded being in the home she had once drafted and created for her family.
the white picket fence was torn down.
the dog was buried in the purple flowers.
and i saw the woman i call “mom” crumble to nothingness.
and my father rise from my nonexistent grandmas ashes.

remember to flower the
earth with your song, my
nana said as she was framing
her dying light in a 1950s
pair of yellowed spectacles on a
bed of barn wood and
cigarette ash.

gram, i said, coughing, i think you've
mixed your metaphors. you mean—

—dear, she hacked, i haven't
the time to fuss with it. you
figure it out.

Now—

she tapped another Camel light
on the splintered bed frame, flicking
the ash into her hand-stitched slippers.

—can you get me a beer?

it was the last cigarette-and-brew
we spent together.

it was the longest walk of my life
          and the longest pauses
     with the longest argument with myself...
       long story short...
               i lost.
             so i'm dragging my leg
    step by step
       and i don't even need to open my eyes
                it's like
                   i'm so sure
   of whatever is in front of me
            and so sure
               i don't want
                  to see it.
                        ------or hear it
                        ------or feel it
          -----home-----
               or be the first person
         to actually say it...
     that it's just a house
             and it's the longest time i felt
             standing still ever...
                   the porch is still there
                        but the scent of marijuana isn't
    and the garage
           still left open
       and the dent of my head
               still there on the rusty pick up.
                         and the tears mom left
                   i don't know but i smell it...
            it's the same house
               that it was yesterday
        but it's not the same...
                    all of the sudden
           allice charges toward me
           barking as energetic as ever
       and yet it feels
as if i'm not the same person
she licks on the cheek everyday
        ------no------
                   crackling leaves below me
             don't even crackle the same way...
       stepping on dried sticks and twigs
      don't even sound like they did yesterday      
it's like the house itself is telling me
            this is where i don't belong
    this is where i can't belong
         this is where i shouldn't be
                    yet i simply have to be
                 my grandma walked
                       even slower
                           today than ever...
                     "what happened"
                               she asked me----
              ----sigh----
                          and i honestly
                 want to sigh again
                          as deeply as i could
                    and just fall there.
                            ----deep breath----
               it feels like i don't
     even have to say it
                            the look on her face
                  feels like
       her heart is
                        already crumbling
                worse than
                           they did
            when she saw
             my dad
    and her dad
and mom's dad
                          on a coffin going home-----
        as if the same heart
       could rebreak so many times
                   i don't know
            how to stall anymore
   or if there are any
          other ways
                   to sugarcoat
                      a bitter pill
             slathered in mud
             soaked 10feet underwater
                        then buried 6 feet underground
                 "i'm sorry"
       she takes the words
             from my mouth
                      and wraps around me
          this solid warmth...
                so tangible
         so real
                     "you don't have to tell me."
    and then she whispers...
                    inaudible words----
           that smelled a lot
                  like mom's afternoon ****
and her morning omelette with coffee black
              ----home.

Take me to the bus
Hold my hand and tell me how you feel.
Because those moments felt so real.
Mommy and Daddy couldn't so you were my ones.

I can recall curling around your back,
Like a dog does on your bed just to feel that security.
Just teaching me about the world and seeing me reach to a new level of maturity.

Being there to hold my hand and show me the way was the life, until those nights where I said goodbye.
Even on this night it's hard to forget your love and affection.
Now I just long for that same attention.

Momma can't give it like you did,
Daddy can't make up for those moments we spent stealing grapes at the store.
I don't mean to make then sound so low but,
There's no way to without speaking these true words.